Identity Crisis 2015

Every now and then. Not often. But sometimes. I find myself wondering. Questioning. Doubting. Doubting a lot, actually. Not all the time, but occasionally I catch myself. Which version of myself am I living up to?

I am a firm believer in the idea that one decision can change the course of our entire lives. Considering that we make countless decisions it is not surprising that the current status of our lives may bear very little resemblance to what we thought it would be when we were clueless about life and just arrogant enough to think we could control it.

I have had many titles. Actor. Vocalist. Student. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Wife. Mother. Ex-wife. Business owner. SAHM. Teacher. Lash Lady. In all of those titles I have had success and failure, and a fair amount of mediocrity along the way. In most of those titles I have also had great heartache that led me to want to quit any or all of those roles. And then I pause.

It's in those pauses that I am reminded of the power of choice. We choose what we succeed and fail at and, more importantly, how we react to it. That doesn't mean that I think that anyone chooses to fail. That's ridiculous. Failure will break your heart. And then we pause. So I am at yet another pause. While these pauses have been frustrating and even disabling at times, they almost always lead me to new success. New relationships. New focus.

Then I heard this song today. At first it broke my heart a little. Or a lot. I thought of many women in my life who could surely identify with this idea. The idea that we used to believe in something we could and would be and that we somehow lost along the way. Maybe by choice. Maybe by force. I would suggest that life has a way of rerouting our best intentions with such subtlety that we have no idea it's happening. Until we pause.

I also saw "Joy" starring Jennifer Lawrence last night. Now, as a film, it was interesting and thought provoking but also kind of eclectic. Definitely true to David O. Russell. But the story. The little girl with big dreams and the talent and intelligence to back it up that life rerouted. That story. My story. Maybe your story too. There is a moment in the film where she pauses. It's after much heartache and loss but she PAUSES and remembers that little girl that she once was. It's in that pause that she recognizes the power that she still has and she gets back up and fights for what she wants. It's not the dream she thought she would have. It's not the life she dreamed of. It looks nothing like anything she ever conjured up but it's hers and it is her magic that makes it all possible. And make no mistake, it is magic. And I have it too. And so do you.

So why the identity crisis? Why today's pause? Well...some of those titles I have had over the years linger as dreams and make me wonder what might have been. They cast doubt on current endeavors and make me PAUSE. What did I think life would look like now and would I really change it all to go back?

No. I would not. That talent is still there. The dreams don't go away. They just make way for the dreams we didn't know we had. And the truth is...God willing, we have many days and many decisions left to change the course again and again. We adjust and let those same dreams move us forward. That's what started it all to begin with. So take your pause. Make it count. And then carry on. That's where the magic happens.

The things we should have known but wouldn't listen to!

I have been musing over a few things lately and can't keep myself from jotting them down. The thoughts were clear and articulate in my head. Not sure if it will translate in writing but let's give it a go, shall we?

Things I wish that I had been told when I was 25...aka things that I wish I would have believed when I was surely told before I was 25. I have stated before that I was much smarter in my younger days, at least I believed that. I was very wrong.

1. Smile!
     Think about it. 99.9% of people you pass on the street, in your car, in a shopping center or grocery store, at school, at church...everywhere...they are all guarding a broken heart. I am sure that the breaks vary and the intensity is sure to be felt in degrees. Make no mistake; however, the broken hearts are there. You don't recognize it at first. But if you wait for it, listen for a second, stand close enough to someone, pay attention...you will see it.
     See, for many years I lived with a severe case of inferiority. I looked at everyone else and believed that they all had it figured out. I was never terribly shy or afraid of being vocal, but I lived believing that others were more talented or spiritual or intelligent, or better at parenting or being a wife. You name it, I believed that everyone else, anyone else, was better at it than I was. And I was ok with that. I thought I just had a lot to learn. Truth is that many of them are better at many things than I am and I celebrate that now!
    Instead of seeing those things now; however, I wonder what their stories are. What has broken their hearts? What are they guarding? What are you hoping for today? What can I do to make this moment just a little better? Sometimes all you can do is smile, a genuine smile that shares that you wish them well, that you see them and want them to feel your warmth just for that second. It won't fix anything, maybe not. But it might just be the only smile they get all day.

2. Breathe!
    Easy right? I hear that said a lot. Just breathe! Childbirth? Yep, just breathe. Idiots! It hurts too much to breathe through it, right? While I am still not sure that breathing will ease the pain of childbirth, I do know that it can and will center you. Give you a moment to stop. Now, I breathe much better by the ocean myself but I can also highly recommend breathing from the quiet of your closet or your car, or my personal favorite, your shower. Breathe deeply. Count to 10. Find your center. Whatever terminology speaks to you...do it!

3. Socialize!
   Oh this one is easy. Well, it should be. Get together with your friends! Make new friends if you don't have that kind of tribe yet. I have been giving serious thought to creating a women's group for women who aren't in a group yet! I see pictures of friends who have amazing get togethers and play games and have Scarf or Earring or Ornament or some other kind of exchanges at Christmas and I think to myself...I want to be in a group like that! I just never take the time to really socialize! I spend so much time being mom and wife that I have to force myself to be just Heather sometimes. Don't do that!!!

4. Get pretty!
     Ok. Disclaimer. I sell makeup. I know that might seem to come with the territory as one who markets beauty products but let me explain. Do you know how many people tell me that they just don't have time to do makeup and hair right now? Or go to the gym? (I am on that list!)  I am not one that needs to make a point about taking time for myself, though maybe I should! But let's be clear, you MUST take care of yourself. You MUST! Wash your face before you go to bed. Wear moisturizer. Spend some time in a warm bath. Pay attention to how YOU feel about what you look like before you leave the house, not because anyone else's opinion matters but because your opinion DOES!

5. Read!
   Ok, this is more for me as I want so much to be able to take time to read something special! There are so many amazing writings! Feed your brain! How can we serve others, including ourselves, if we are neglecting our most precious commodity?  Do you know what kind of literature speaks to you? When is the last time you read a good book? Back when Oprah was still on network tv and shouting about her favorite things?  (I do miss those episodes) Seriously friends...pick something. Read for 10 minutes if you have to. Just read!

BONUS:
    Stop being so hard on yourselves. Please. You are so much more amazing than you think you are. More than many people realize. You can't really blame them for not seeing it if you don't believe it yourself. Find something that makes your heart sing. Serve someone. Dance more. PLAY! Watch stupid tv from time to time. Veg out...you know, lay like broccoli! :) Sleep in! Hug people! LISTEN! Speak...no one knows unless you share. That broken heart you guard might just be healed a little by sharing it with someone willing to listen. And always, always find something to laugh about!

What advice do you wish you had listened to in your twenties?

Embrace the SELFIE!

It feels ridiculous. Taking pictures of myself in various locations, looking for the best light and pose. It goes against everything I have ever thought about being a 42 year old woman, well...any age really. Selfies have been a mystery to me for a very long time. You have seen the comical images and videos of young girls sitting in a row at a sporting event all finding the best image...duck faces by all. RIDICULOUS!

So, why am I defending the selfie now? How have I let myself be okay with this trend?

Here is why...

I want to be seen. I said it. I DO! I want you to be seen too. I want to see you! I want my children to look at pictures and know that I was there. How many of us have years of pictures that our dutiful parents took of us at one event or another that are quite without any representation of either of our parents? Moms who made sure that we had the experience but stayed on the other side of the camera. It was a gesture of love for many but a hiding mechanism for others. I would venture to say that an entire generation of women CHOSE to stay out of those pictures. Why? Oh it could be anything. Let me just state for the record; however, this girl is no longer afraid of the camera. Someone taught me several years ago that taking pictures isn't about what you look like or what you weigh or what you THINK you should look like. It is about a moment and remembering that moment, including what you looked like when it happened. Some photos will be unflattering. But you were there!

Now I know that there is a difference in taking selfies and being in pictures. Here is where I am about the selfie..EMBRACE IT! Let loose a little! Be silly! Glam yourself up and TAKE THAT SELFIE! Truth is that most people will never see that side of you unless you document it. Oh girls, we are so much more than mom and wife. Document the heck out of that. Don't let them live every day without realizing just how much you have to offer. Is a selfie the only way to do that? Does this argument even make sense? Maybe. Maybe not. But...that selfie makes me answer to myself. It gives me a chance to see me as others do. Not as mirrors do or hand drawn art work by magical toddlers. A snap shot of me in a moment of silliness and even, dare I say, vanity. Trust me, it is an exercise that will show you a whole new side of yourself. Once you get past the awkward "how can I really be doing this" and "what if someone sees me" thing...it's FREEDOM!

Let them see you! Let them see you take selfies with your friends, your children, your significant other and most definitely ALONE!

Disclaimer: this is by no means an invitation to be THAT girl at sporting events and bars. You know who she is. Don't do THAT! It's weird.

Being over qualified for the measure of your creation

So many places to go. So much to see. to learn. to feel. to explore.
People to meet. to nurture. to love.
Create. write. sing. dance. act. cook. love. hold babies. float. laugh.

Work. bills. responsibilities. age. work. work. work. drive a lot. doctors. work. and work even more

Daydreaming about those places to go, to see, to learn...and so on

Restless. bitter. jealous. confused. depressed. anxious. or is it anxiety first. who knows

I have recently spent time listening to, reading about and contemplating ideas that center on living a full life. a creative life. a peaceful life. A centered life.

The measure of your creation. It's a phrase I love and have a new fascination with.

What is that? How do you know? On a spiritual level...that's easy. or is it?

Finding joy in the journey when the days are filled with mundane, daily living tasks that offer no personal fulfillment or creativity whatsoever is draining. Breathe, they say. Yes. Breathe. Take time for yourself. Exercise. Eat right. Take your vitamins. Drink more water. And breathe.

Yes. Breathe. The fascinating thing about life is that we are all, in many areas, overqualified. We take jobs that pay bills. We buy homes in cities because of good schools and low crime. We live our lives based on what we feel is best for everyone at the moment. And then we ask ourselves whose lives we are living? What did we do with our dreams? Where did that girl go? We hit our forties and there is this mad pause, just long enough to realize that it looks different, somehow, than the plans you had in your twenties. Not bad, just different. You look at yourself in the mirror and see age. You see tired. You see the pain that has happened over these forty some odd years. You also see the smiles. The age shows experiences. Some of them you didn't expect or even ask for but weathered, beautifully you might add. And you did. If you have been so blessed you see that younger face in the faces of your children who are now dreaming as you once did. And you are jealous. A little.

We call this a midlife crisis for some.

But wait...just breathe. Accepting that we are overqualified for our lives is freeing in some way. Are you capable of being a respected author or well respected scientist? I could ask that question about every possible scenario so which one is yours? Which life do you dream of?

The measure of your creation is, in my opinion, far grander than job choice or home address. More than the daily tasks. More than the mundane. More than all of it. You are created for something so much bigger than we ever give ourselves the space to consider. What do we fear? What excuses do we grant ourselves, a bit like the child throwing a tantrum is really "just tired". (no he's not, by the way. he is being a brat) So many excuses... and we eat it up. We crave that because it is exponentially easier than giving it a try. Stop it!

Good news...being overqualified means that you have more to give. more to learn. more to see. more to love. more to grow. That is something you can hold on to and look forward to the next forty years with eager anticipation or what's next. Who will you be next year? Five years from now? Twenty?

So dream. smile. love. breathe. vitamins. eat right. work out. all of it matters. But above all else...find the measure of your creation and strive diligently to live up to it. You won't because you will never really know just how important you are but try. Always.

Come on woman, DANCE!

I am a people watcher by trade. Always have been. Started many years ago in theatre classes when we were told that one of the best ways to research a character was to watch other people in their "natural habitat". That is a habit that has never gone away. When I had the chance to attend a large scale concert this past weekend I had some prime people watching opportunities. Prime.

So I watched. I watched a seasoned performer brought to his knees by the excitement and energy in a packed arena. I watched back up singers shine, even in the back! I saw young men with wild mohawks singing every word of every Garth Brooks song. I saw women, old and young, sway to old songs that carry similar memories from different eras. I watched as they danced. Nearly every person in that arena danced.

One particular woman caught my attention. I watched as she slowly swayed at first. Then as the night went on she began to clap. Sway and clap. Smiling the entire time. Looking around her, maybe out of insecurity? Maybe to see what else was happening around her. As the night went on I saw her come out of her shell and I felt myself clapping for her a bit. Excited to see her discovering that she was having more fun that she thought she might. By the end of the night she was singing and clapping and swaying and smiling and even dancing! She was thoroughly enjoying herself and I could tell that she had not expected to feel quite so free.

As we walked away from that concert I realized that I had not expected it at all. That woman was me. For the rest of the night I felt slightly giddy that I had let go just a little, just enough to really have fun at an amazing concert. It's always been a little harder for me to just let go like that...to feel free enough to dance like no one is watching, as they say.  I did sing every word to every song and by the end...and I most definitely danced!

Find your song. Find your freedom. Paint. Sing. Write. Shine. Whatever it is that makes your heart flutter just a bit more. And for the love of all that is good in the world, make sure you dance!

Never Underestimate the Suburban Housewife

Had an interesting chat earlier this week that has left quite an impression on me this week.
With the start of a new school year we always get the chance to make new friends. As we get to know each other we share little bits and pieces about our lives. Now I am not one to share a whole lot, especially as I get older. Not sure why that is but because I have managed to find lasting friendships with a few dynamic women who carry a special place in my life I have not gone out of my way to make new friends, as they say. That's a different discussion. Back to this one...

So as we chatted I shared a little bit about my history, which includes acting and singing...again, I don't usually talk about that stuff. Bear in mind, this was a short chat, maybe 5 minutes. This incredibly sweet girl said something to the effect of "you can do all that and you are here?"  So... I have no doubt that her intention was to be wowed by my suggested talent and to suggest that I could do more than what I am doing...and that is true. I know that. But it also felt a little bit like "why in the world would you have talent and not use it?" (also a fair question)

Then a couple of days later I had the opportunity to watch my youngest daughter learn choreography for a new dance from a woman I have great respect for. A woman who has had an incredible career but now works her days from home taking care of her family in a beautiful Suburban home here in our town, which as a description far underestimates what she does every day. If you didn't know that; however, you might look at her and assume she is just another busy mom who has surrendered her life to her kids and family. You might never realize the talent that she is. And then that chat came to mind again. "You can do all that and you are here?"

As I thought about that I thought of all of the amazing women that I have the privilege of working and serving with, passing every day in the carpool lane, all of us tired and overspent and desperately underestimated. What do you assume when you pass her in the carpool line?

Here is what you should assume...

She is talented, intelligent, stunning and graceful far beyond what you see of her today. She is educated. She is a writer, a dancer, a teacher, a philosopher, an actor, a pianist, a sculptor, a vocalist, a scientist. She is many things. She will hide behind her task lists and children, her tired eyes and lonely nights waiting on everyone else to be home and in bed before she can actually rest. Some of us have jobs, maybe beneath our talents but they pay bills or provide insurance or time with cherished friends. That woman, every single one of us, is more fabulous than you can fathom. We are here because we choose to share our awesome with our families and communities and schools, which would all be far less incredible without our level of awesome.

And let's be clear, we are awesome.

I am that awesome.

So when you see one of us in the carpool lane, applause would be deserved but a smile or a wave will suffice. And if you are one of us...I see you! Don't hide your awesome! EVER!

And don't you dare...ever for one second...underestimate the Suburban housewife.

Screaming in silence

Sitting in enough water to hold your breath and scream so that no one can hear you. Or covering your face with a pillow just to get that sound out without alarming the entire household to an issue they can neither fix nor help with. And you can't really explain it anyway. 

It's just a need. 

I am a strong person with deep convictions and opinions, even when I am wrong. And I am often wrong. I don't take well to being told no, or being quieted in any way. It goes against everything I am...on a cellular level. Always been that way. It's not fair to others sometimes and I know that. 

I try to quell my curiosities and need to explore and change. I attempt to divert my attention with activities and tasks. But when something is on my mind I find that it is simply best for everyone to allow me to voice that which will undeniably consume me if I don't. Sort of like children who just need to be heard...I contend that it simply never goes away. I stand on a stage and play a character with a voice. I sing the song of a writer who had something to say. I read a book with page after page of an author's barrage of thoughts that found their way to the binding of a book that made it to my desk. Facebook. Bloggers. Twitter and her finite characters. We all have something to say and a need to be heard in one way or another. I don't have a play to write, or a song or a book...well, maybe a book but that will come later. I am not fighting for a cause or an agenda. I am just fighting to be heard. And maybe even understood. Not by many, mind you. Or maybe I am and I just don't realize it yet. 

What would you say if you had a captive audience? What is your voice trying to say? Of course we can keep our pillows on retainer...screaming when no one else is listening is often therapeutic. 

Truth is...I don't know what it is that I am trying so hard to say. I don't remember. That's how long I have been fumbling to steady my voice. But I know it's there. Simmering.