Gratitude

I have simply GOT to stop and express my gratitude for a few things tonight. One is my crazy family. This past two weeks has been a whirlwind of activity and water logged kids with tan lines and wet hair. We have had more fun in two weeks than I have had in a long time. Having a large family is work, there is no doubt, but they are my favorite people who have given me even more amazing little people to love and hug and kiss and torture. Those babies are everything and restore me in ways that I can't quite explain. 

And the other is for some very special friends. I cannot imagine my life without a few incredible friends who have seen me at my worst and still believe in me. Who still cheer me on no matter where they live or how much time has past. Getting older (and busier) has meant less time making those lasting friendships so I hold on to these friends for dear life. 

I am also reminded of the energy and love and commitment shared on behalf of my children by selfless leaders and friends who are always aware of each of these children. I have seen some of these leaders stumble through days of rain in camping adventures, flat tires on road trips, physical and mental exhaustion, all for the love of teaching these children. I am in awe of their selflessness and seemingly unending charity and strong sense of humor! 

In all of that I am reminded of the grace and beauty of having a testimony of Heavenly Father's love for me. And for my children. I have strayed from that knowledge and lost sight many times in my life but I can always look back and see a fine, distinct thread that has kept me close to the faith of my childhood. Raising a family in faith gets harder every day with distractions and guilt and expectations. It isn't "cool" to be faithful. But I know the feeling I have when I sit with my family in a room with hundreds of other families doing their best to serve the Lord and grow closer to Him no matter what else may be going on in their lives. I am grateful for those examples of men and women and children who keep trying. That's all we can do really. Keep trying. 

There are so many of you I count among this insufficient list of all the people I am grateful for. Your love and kindness and example means more than I can say. Thank you for continuing to be amazing, even when you don't realize just how amazing you are.

Long time no talk...

It is interesting. It really is. I can go for months on end without feeling a need to write, to share, to remember. And then...it happens. It pops back up and begs to be said, shared, immortalized. Oh that's a big fancy word that means nothing when it comes to the musings of a tired mother of 4. Musings. Yes, that fits. I have found myself musing over things that have left me feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated and tired. Can you be all of those things at once? I submit that you can.

Too much has happened to try to go back and recount the past 8 months. School, work, family, house, puppy, weather, injured child...a lot. What I can speak to is today. Right now.

***I started that post a while back. I never went back to it. I wonder what I felt the need to muse about that day. Must have gotten lost in the shuffle. Or it has compounded.

June 16, 2015
It is summer vacation here. Kids are out of school. I am off work. Husband is not traveling. No one is quite relaxing just yet though. We have had the great pleasure of spending some amazing time with extended family this past week or so. OH...I have already forgotten! We graduated our first child from high school. That baby boy that sang "Toy Story" songs over and over has grown up. Relatively speaking. Now we move into college days and growing pains. (for us more than him, no doubt)

DISCLAIMER
I have so much to say. So much it hurts sometimes. Things that I have had in my head for some time and may not need to be heard by anyone but my own conscience so if you think you might be put off by any of that, please stop reading. Judgement is not something I take lightly, though I don't take it too seriously either. I am a scattered mess it would seem. What to do?

Therapy. Counseling. Girl time. Me time. Quiet. Prayer. Scripture study. Work out. Eat right. Read a book. Paint something. Do nothing. Write. Run away. No, not that. But it's there. Scream. Maybe just run. But I hate running.

What do you do when the thoughts crowd out reason? Where do you go? Do you acknowledge it? That would be healthy. That would be sane. I think. Do you have a corner of your mind that absorbs and allows you to carry on as if everything is ok? And the thing is...everything is ok. Or it will be. Some would argue that it's just hormonal. It's age. You are in your forty's now, changes happen. Get used to it. Do they? DO THEY? And do you get used to it? Ever?

Ok. Here is the thing. THE thing. I am stuck and it has rendered me relatively unhappy. Am I back to being depressed? I don't know. Anxiety? Age. maybe that. Midlife crisis at 41? I suppose that our life spans have changed and it could be that. A funny thing happened not too long ago and I suddenly realized that the person I have been trying to be when I grew up has already happened. I saw images of myself at 18 and I thought...I want to be her! I didn't know it then but I was amazing. Ok I remain amazing. Who am I kidding? I am; however, a more cynical, lumpier, achier (not a word but go with me) more lonely version of that girl who could have been anything. I think I want that again. The ability to be anything and do anything I want. Now, I know, of course we can always make that choice. You are never too old to start over or whatever they say. But that isn't as true as it sounds. Kids. Marriage. House. Dog. Family. Responsibilities. That has layered over the years until the notion of starting over feels more like trying to move a mountain across the continent with a wheelbarrow and a deadline.

My husband believes this is a genetic trait shared by my siblings. A need to start over. To move. To reincarnate. In any capacity. Sometimes it is as simple as rearranging a room. Or a new hair style. But I have progressed to that of a locked up junkie with no hope of scoring a painfully needed high. What can be changed when change is denied? In my world, it makes me want the change even more. I am sure that there is some kind of psycho babble that would explain that tendency in me. Sounds like therapy may be the answer.

Or maybe just some extended beach time.
And therapy.