It is interesting. It really is. I can go for months on end without feeling a need to write, to share, to remember. And then...it happens. It pops back up and begs to be said, shared, immortalized. Oh that's a big fancy word that means nothing when it comes to the musings of a tired mother of 4. Musings. Yes, that fits. I have found myself musing over things that have left me feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated and tired. Can you be all of those things at once? I submit that you can.
Too much has happened to try to go back and recount the past 8 months. School, work, family, house, puppy, weather, injured child...a lot. What I can speak to is today. Right now.
***I started that post a while back. I never went back to it. I wonder what I felt the need to muse about that day. Must have gotten lost in the shuffle. Or it has compounded.
June 16, 2015
It is summer vacation here. Kids are out of school. I am off work. Husband is not traveling. No one is quite relaxing just yet though. We have had the great pleasure of spending some amazing time with extended family this past week or so. OH...I have already forgotten! We graduated our first child from high school. That baby boy that sang "Toy Story" songs over and over has grown up. Relatively speaking. Now we move into college days and growing pains. (for us more than him, no doubt)
DISCLAIMER
I have so much to say. So much it hurts sometimes. Things that I have had in my head for some time and may not need to be heard by anyone but my own conscience so if you think you might be put off by any of that, please stop reading. Judgement is not something I take lightly, though I don't take it too seriously either. I am a scattered mess it would seem. What to do?
Therapy. Counseling. Girl time. Me time. Quiet. Prayer. Scripture study. Work out. Eat right. Read a book. Paint something. Do nothing. Write. Run away. No, not that. But it's there. Scream. Maybe just run. But I hate running.
What do you do when the thoughts crowd out reason? Where do you go? Do you acknowledge it? That would be healthy. That would be sane. I think. Do you have a corner of your mind that absorbs and allows you to carry on as if everything is ok? And the thing is...everything is ok. Or it will be. Some would argue that it's just hormonal. It's age. You are in your forty's now, changes happen. Get used to it. Do they? DO THEY? And do you get used to it? Ever?
Ok. Here is the thing. THE thing. I am stuck and it has rendered me relatively unhappy. Am I back to being depressed? I don't know. Anxiety? Age. maybe that. Midlife crisis at 41? I suppose that our life spans have changed and it could be that. A funny thing happened not too long ago and I suddenly realized that the person I have been trying to be when I grew up has already happened. I saw images of myself at 18 and I thought...I want to be her! I didn't know it then but I was amazing. Ok I remain amazing. Who am I kidding? I am; however, a more cynical, lumpier, achier (not a word but go with me) more lonely version of that girl who could have been anything. I think I want that again. The ability to be anything and do anything I want. Now, I know, of course we can always make that choice. You are never too old to start over or whatever they say. But that isn't as true as it sounds. Kids. Marriage. House. Dog. Family. Responsibilities. That has layered over the years until the notion of starting over feels more like trying to move a mountain across the continent with a wheelbarrow and a deadline.
My husband believes this is a genetic trait shared by my siblings. A need to start over. To move. To reincarnate. In any capacity. Sometimes it is as simple as rearranging a room. Or a new hair style. But I have progressed to that of a locked up junkie with no hope of scoring a painfully needed high. What can be changed when change is denied? In my world, it makes me want the change even more. I am sure that there is some kind of psycho babble that would explain that tendency in me. Sounds like therapy may be the answer.
Or maybe just some extended beach time.
And therapy.
It doesn't help when I go back through old journal entries and find this from one year ago:
ReplyDelete"It's the middle of July and Summer is in full swing. There have been pool parties and family reunions and birthday parties and lazy days. It's also been a Summer of change. It's a funny thing really. All of a sudden there are things in motion that involuntarily promote change. It's everywhere. Politics, church, family, home, doctor, dentist, school…The fabulously frustrating thing is that it leaves me with more questions than answers. Imagine a typical four way stop. Traffic rules, and common decency, dictate a certain order. You pull up. You wait your turn. You go. Easy. Now imagine being at that same intersection with six or seven or eight different paths converging into this one intersection. The ease of laws and common decency quickly fade and you just go so you can get out of the way. For each person these paths will all have different titles…different requirements. Some of them will inevitably be the same…family, home, work. In some fashion or another we all travel those paths. That's where the easy ends.
In my version of this analogy I see paths converging into one place that look a bit more like tentacles, all wound up and twisty from one end to the other. They all have labels too…singing, acting, teaching, school, travel, getting healthy, taking care of myself without hesitation or excuses, church, church, church, and growing political chaos all have a place on this game board. I am a firm believer in the concept of "use it or lose it" and I wonder if I haven't willed myself out of what life could really be."
Some things haven't changed.