No better words for that one really. Having been through divorce myself…twice, I might add…I know how ugly this divorce thing gets. I have seen friends go through it. Siblings now in the middle of it. And life on the other side of it. There's just no easy way to say this…it just sucks. It gets better. Of course it does. People always say that sort of thing when they don't know what else to say but in this case it is true. (unless, of course, you continue to make stupid decisions and then it still sucks) In the people around me I am seeing multiple varieties of divorce…there's the one you don't want but have absolutely no choice but to accept, the one that you never saw coming, the one where you probably messed up big time and now you have to live with that guilt but there was more going on in the marriage than just the Mistake, the one you really want but can't quite get your head around, and the one that was coming before you ever got married in the first place. This is, by no means, the sum total of all varieties of divorce…it's just what's in front of me at the moment. So why does it have to be so hard? I remember thinking that it would be easier to deal with a death than divorce. At least then there is some closure…some way to say goodbye. Divorce just cuts you in half with no real way to stitch yourself back up for a long time. You have to figure out who you are all over again and face that you might not like who you are at that moment. Marriage changes us, that is true. But I believe that divorce may change us even more.
Here's the kicker…I don't really believe in divorce. I know it sounds counterintuitive. (twice…) I don't believe that you should give up on the person you committed your life to. I don't believe that we are the sum total of our mistakes or accomplishments and that for better or worse has to include the worse…unless the "Worse" looks something like criminal misconduct and then it's a no brainer. I also don't do mean. Mean has no place in a family. Mean is kind of third party in a marriage and fights for attention. When Mean gets in the way…it can take over and the person who is mean can even believe that they are right to be mean. Not a concept I can wrap my mind around but I have seen it too many times to ignore it.
I believe that people are who they are and that you can't expect to change them. Change comes with age and experience. Change comes with mistakes. It comes with success. It comes with love and with hate. Change comes but not because you want it to or demand it from your significant other. In my world at the moment I see two divorces that must happen…no way around it. I see one that probably shouldn't…but no one asked my opinion on that one. I see a man that I divorced many years ago that I love more than I can possibly say. We got lucky…we paid a high price but we got lucky. We found the relationship we could have had all along. It's not perfect…let's not sugar coat it. But man oh man do I adore him.
My take away for tonight is this…while divorce does suck…I HATE THAT WORD AND I KEEP USING IT…while it does bear a strong resemblance to hell itself…not all divorce has to happen. We talk about being happy and taking care of ourselves and "falling out of love" and deserving more but the problem with all of that is that we have neglected the foundation of marriage. Fight for the one you love every single day. Fight until there's no more fight and then take a deep breath and fight again. Sometimes that choice is taken from you. Some relationships cannot be saved and we may break into a million pieces when it crumbles. Give yourself the time to get back up but for the love of all that is good in the world…GET BACK UP!
Like I said…it does get better.
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