Every now and then. Not often. But sometimes. I find myself wondering. Questioning. Doubting. Doubting a lot, actually. Not all the time, but occasionally I catch myself. Which version of myself am I living up to?
I am a firm believer in the idea that one decision can change the course of our entire lives. Considering that we make countless decisions it is not surprising that the current status of our lives may bear very little resemblance to what we thought it would be when we were clueless about life and just arrogant enough to think we could control it.
I have had many titles. Actor. Vocalist. Student. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Wife. Mother. Ex-wife. Business owner. SAHM. Teacher. Lash Lady. In all of those titles I have had success and failure, and a fair amount of mediocrity along the way. In most of those titles I have also had great heartache that led me to want to quit any or all of those roles. And then I pause.
It's in those pauses that I am reminded of the power of choice. We choose what we succeed and fail at and, more importantly, how we react to it. That doesn't mean that I think that anyone chooses to fail. That's ridiculous. Failure will break your heart. And then we pause. So I am at yet another pause. While these pauses have been frustrating and even disabling at times, they almost always lead me to new success. New relationships. New focus.
Then I heard this song today. At first it broke my heart a little. Or a lot. I thought of many women in my life who could surely identify with this idea. The idea that we used to believe in something we could and would be and that we somehow lost along the way. Maybe by choice. Maybe by force. I would suggest that life has a way of rerouting our best intentions with such subtlety that we have no idea it's happening. Until we pause.
I also saw "Joy" starring Jennifer Lawrence last night. Now, as a film, it was interesting and thought provoking but also kind of eclectic. Definitely true to David O. Russell. But the story. The little girl with big dreams and the talent and intelligence to back it up that life rerouted. That story. My story. Maybe your story too. There is a moment in the film where she pauses. It's after much heartache and loss but she PAUSES and remembers that little girl that she once was. It's in that pause that she recognizes the power that she still has and she gets back up and fights for what she wants. It's not the dream she thought she would have. It's not the life she dreamed of. It looks nothing like anything she ever conjured up but it's hers and it is her magic that makes it all possible. And make no mistake, it is magic. And I have it too. And so do you.
So why the identity crisis? Why today's pause? Well...some of those titles I have had over the years linger as dreams and make me wonder what might have been. They cast doubt on current endeavors and make me PAUSE. What did I think life would look like now and would I really change it all to go back?
No. I would not. That talent is still there. The dreams don't go away. They just make way for the dreams we didn't know we had. And the truth is...God willing, we have many days and many decisions left to change the course again and again. We adjust and let those same dreams move us forward. That's what started it all to begin with. So take your pause. Make it count. And then carry on. That's where the magic happens.
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