Feeling of defeat

Ok, I am sulking.  Nah, not the right word.  Can't really qualify it but I am feeling less than thrilled.  I wish that it was one thing that I could pick out and solve.  I am afraid; however, that it is not.  It seems to have something of a layering effect that has gotten me to a fragile place.  I am not a fan of feeling fragile.  Seriously.


Warning: if you do not want to enter the thought patterns of a slightly erratic, altogether emotional woman...now would be the time to switch over to youtube nonsense.


You've been warned.


And for the record, I am writing this out now for me...in an attempt to understand, peel back a layer or two and tell myself to knock it off.  Ok.  So, kids got out of school.  Big day.  Now I have a 1st, 6th, 7th and 10th grader!  When did that happen?  I also ended a year long commitment to being PTA president.  Big year.  Larry is traveling again and that has its own challenges.  We deal with those.  It doesn't help my general feeling of defeat though.  I am a one man show most of the time and my audience doesn't usually agree with me.  (along with not liking fragile, I don't like feeling ignored)  And to be totally honest, I am fed up with worrying about weight...not worrying about weight, stressing about weight and health and then feeling inadequate standing next to the mom's who take the time to go to the gym and seem to have no problem whatsoever eating right.  I hate this entire game...I just want to be healthy.  Not there yet either.  One HUGE layer of the defeat.  Of course the resolve is in choosing to take care of myself.  Of course it means eating right and working out.  Of course I should want to do that and make myself go.  But the general sense of defeat is drowning out any sounds of encouragement, however feeble that might be.


So.  Weight.  Larry traveling.  Kids getting so big.  Moving on from big responsibility.  Everyone deals with that in some way, right?  Why the drama today?  Hormones?  Maybe. My skin is screaming about hormones this week.  AHA...another little layer...dealing with skin issues at almost 39 years old.  Seriously!


There is this one thing.  I have now been parenting for nearly 16 years.  Generally speaking one could earn a number of degrees in that period of time. Doctorate.  PhD.  Law school.  And yet, I feel even less prepared to be a parent than I did 16 years ago.  I don't know what I am doing.  I am trying to raise these independent kids who have thoughts and faith of their own and have a desire to make a difference, work hard and be the best versions of themselves.  All of that, mind you, while not doing that AT ALL for myself.  Instead of doing that, I am discussing, explaining, arguing, even begging kids to simply consider the possibility that my rules might have a purpose.  If I have one more of my children ask me WHY CAN'T WE DO SLEEPOVERS...I am not quite sure what I will do.  I am sure that i have explained that a hundred times.  I have even examined the question and considered every possible reason to allow them and I still come back to the feeling that I cannot allow them.  I am confident that no one I know has or will have any issues with sleepovers and it is a certain rite of passage for a kid...I just can't take the chances that come along with kids in the middle of the night making decisions they know very well they could not make at home.  There are many reasons but at the end of the day, I stand by it.  That is but one example of the debating that happens in my home though.  Sleepovers, rated R movies, caffeinated drinks, excessive sugar, Sundays as actual Sabbath days...let alone the hope that we were a family that studied scriptures together and prayed and did the daily things that increase one's testimony and relationship with the Savior.  I want that.  So, why don't the rest of them?  Don't get me wrong, I have kids that are happy to cooperate in such activities, but if we don't do it...they are just fine with that too.  I am left to wonder what in the world I am fighting for.  I hate being the bad guy.  I despise the "ask your mom" question, which carries with it an understood "I would let you but you know how mom feels about that".  Maybe it isn't understood but it is how I feel about it.


If you are still reading...I am impressed.  You must be thinking I am really nutty by now.


I feel defeated.  That's really all there is at this hour.  Sleep will bring a new day and new opportunities to improve and, no doubt, renewed commitment and strength to stick to my guns.  Do you ever sit back and ask yourself what you are really fighting for?  The discussions and arguments and deals we make, with ourselves, with our kids, with God...I know that I have so much to be grateful for and my whining will cease soon.  Just had to get this out there tonight.  (try not to think badly of me...I am kind of fragile.)  :)