Parenting Measuring Stick

This was not a good parenting morning.  At all.  I got angry.  I slammed a door.  I reacted poorly.  I had listened to all the excuses I could listen to and I got mad.  Was I right to get mad?  Is it acceptable to show kids just how upsetting they can be sometimes?  YES!  Was I right to be so upset?  What was the infraction of the morning?  Some of them were just too tired to get up and go to church…didn't go to sleep until 3 (playing video games) and just couldn't do it today.  Whose fault is that?  Is that a reason to let them skip church?  Again?!?  This is not the first time I have heard this.    

As some of you know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  With that comes quite a lot of expectation…especially of our youth.  Well, of all of us really, but we do focus on the youth and for very good reasons.  It's hard to grasp what they are faced with on a daily basis…I don't mean war or famine, that's different though still dealt with in some parts of the world.  I am referring to the temptations that are literally everywhere.  I could launch into a diatribe about that but I won't…for now.  Back to the morning, being a member of this church means going to church on Sundays…every Sunday.  It means that we go at an assigned time based on where we live.  Our current time is 8:30am but that will change when we hit 2015 and it will be a little bit later.  8:30 isn't my favorite time but it's doable…unless you are a teenager and you stay up until 3 in the morning and then it's tragic.

As I have worked through the frustration of the day I have realized something much bigger and it's kind of hard to express but I will try.  You see, in our home only one parent is actively engaged in any attempt at being part of church.  The other parent chooses to abstain, for many valid and personal reasons that I have come to accept. (mostly)  As in any faith, one parent involved is only half the team.  We stand together in everything else.  It's hard to grasp unless you have worked through something like this…and it isn't just religion that divides people.  It can be anything.  When you want a baby and the other one doesn't, or one wants to move for a job and you just can't even consider it…I know well that this is a universal challenge.  What our particular challenge implies is a murky gray area where we are neither too religious nor too apathetic.  We are in the middle.  Here's where the realization came for me.

I have often felt inadequate as a member of this faith based on my willing participation in the gray zone.  Much counsel has been given clarifying that there is no gray area.  Only the black and white.  Those are the talks that are hard for me.  I have sometimes prided myself on my ability to walk this gray line and keep my family together and support my husband in his own beliefs.  What I know now is that there was nothing noble about it.  My immersion into the gray area is self preservation.  The truth is that every time I find myself merging out of the gray, attempting to present definition for our family and raise the expectations for all of us I find myself quite sad…sometimes heartbroken.  See in our faith we believe that families are forever.  We believe that we have the divine responsibility and privilege of sealing our families together for time and eternity in sacred ordinances in the Temple.  We want that for everyone.  We know that not everyone agrees with this idea and that's ok…that whole free agency thing and all.  It is; however, a fundamental tenant of our faith.  Having grown up LDS I knew that my only path to real happiness was to marry a nice Mormon boy and be married in the Temple.  Well…that theory has been proven and disproven many times over.  It is sometimes difficult to maintain the faith when I will not be allowed to perform this sacred ordinance with my own husband and children.  It also means not participating in the daily rituals that come with this faith.  So, I wade in the muddy waters…I allow mediocrity because it, in some small way, diffuses that disappointment for just a little while.

I do believe in a loving Father in Heaven who knows better what to do with me than I do.  I believe that families can be together forever and that sometimes those ordinances aren't done for some time….but at some point, they will be done.  The problem is that while I do believe that, the moments of disappointment are still real.  So today I reacted poorly.  I am still reacting poorly actually.  I tried communicating with all of my children a little while ago and felt quite defeated by the end, wondering why I tried at all.

So why did I say anything about a parenting measuring stick?  Because in spite of this very personal frustration I have great kids.  I know that.  I don't measure them against anyone else or what others might expect of them.  I want them to be the very best versions of themselves, no matter what that looks like.  I heard a brave woman talk about her desire to impose her own maternal will on her children today in church and that she wished that she could have done so to prevent the loss of her oldest child nearly a year ago.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Just to tell them what to do and they do it…because we said so.  That isn't the order of things though.  Agency is the thing that allows us to fail and succeed and it is up to us to determine which way that falls, even if the results are devastating.  The beauty of the results potentially being positive is enough to make us carry on either way…gray area, muddy waters, divorce, suicide, job loss and any other manner of tragedies and disappointments notwithstanding.  We keep getting up.

In a funny way this realization makes me slightly less upset with my kids about the morning.  They have no idea what it all really means to me and that's because they have only really known the gray.  So I try to explain…and then the cycle starts all over again.

Divorce sucks

No better words for that one really.  Having been through divorce myself…twice, I might add…I know how ugly this divorce thing gets.  I have seen friends go through it.  Siblings now in the middle of it.  And life on the other side of it.  There's just no easy way to say this…it just sucks.  It gets better.  Of course it does.  People always say that sort of thing when they don't know what else to say but in this case it is true.  (unless, of course, you continue to make stupid decisions and then it still sucks)  In the people around me I am seeing multiple varieties of divorce…there's the one you don't want but have absolutely no choice but to accept, the one that you never saw coming, the one where you probably messed up big time and now you have to live with that guilt but there was more going on in the marriage than just the Mistake, the one you really want but can't quite get your head around, and the one that was coming before you ever got married in the first place.  This is, by no means, the sum total of all varieties of divorce…it's just what's in front of me at the moment.  So why does it have to be so hard?  I remember thinking that it would be easier to deal with a death than divorce.  At least then there is some closure…some way to say goodbye.  Divorce just cuts you in half with no real way to stitch yourself back up for a long time.  You have to figure out who you are all over again and face that you might not like who you are at that moment.  Marriage changes us, that is true.  But I believe that divorce may change us even more.

Here's the kicker…I don't really believe in divorce.  I know it sounds counterintuitive. (twice…)   I don't believe that you should give up on the person you committed your life to.  I don't believe that we are the sum total of our mistakes or accomplishments and that for better or worse has to include the worse…unless the "Worse" looks something like criminal misconduct and then it's a no brainer.  I also don't do mean.  Mean has no place in a family.  Mean is kind of third party in a marriage and fights for attention.  When Mean gets in the way…it can take over and the person who is mean can even believe that they are right to be mean.  Not a concept I can wrap my mind around but I have seen it too many times to ignore it.

I believe that people are who they are and that you can't expect to change them.  Change comes with age and experience.  Change comes with mistakes.  It comes with success.  It comes with love and with hate.  Change comes but not because you want it to or demand it from your significant other.  In my world at the moment I see two divorces that must happen…no way around it.  I see one that probably shouldn't…but no one asked my opinion on that one.  I see a man that I divorced many years ago that I love more than I can possibly say.  We got lucky…we paid a high price but we got lucky.  We found the relationship we could have had all along.  It's not perfect…let's not sugar coat it.  But man oh man do I adore him.

My take away for tonight is this…while divorce does suck…I HATE THAT WORD AND I KEEP USING IT…while it does bear a strong resemblance to hell itself…not all divorce has to happen.  We talk about being happy and taking care of ourselves and "falling out of love" and deserving more but the problem with all of that is that we have neglected the foundation of marriage.  Fight for the one you love every single day.  Fight until there's no more fight and then take a deep breath and fight again.  Sometimes that choice is taken from you.  Some relationships cannot be saved and we may break into a million pieces when it crumbles.  Give yourself the time to get back up but for the love of all that is good in the world…GET BACK UP!

Like I said…it does get better.

Involuntary anxiety leads to this

Let's just examine this, shall we…
March 10th.  Now 79 days since "the incident".  House is finally coming together.
It's Spring Break.  A week of sleeping in and enjoying time off.
In a quiet hotel away from the chaos of construction.
All things considered…everything is good.  Productive.  Moving in the right direction.

So why am I so darned irritated?!?!  Saw a movie today, one I do NOT recommend, and everything about it was annoying…except for a funny Bill Clinton joke.  The people who came into a nearly empty theatre and decided to sit right next to us…annoying.  The kids who came in late and sat on the other side of us and talked the ENTIRE time…annoying.  Listen, movie theaters are kind of sacred ground for me.  You have to respect the space.  Turn your phone off.  Don't talk.  Don't sip that drink until it's louder than the movie because it's actually empty but you keep trying anyway.  Put your feet down.  DON'T TALK!  It was a kids movie so I expected a certain amount of noise…it happens.  But talking in full voice to the person in your row but not right next to you is not acceptable behavior for anyone over the age of 2.  Frankly, it makes me anxious just thinking about it again.  Something might be wrong with me.

Miss Kierstin wants the Easter Bunny to know that she is ready for Easter so she has written a note and created a masterpiece of jelly bean art and expects the Easter Bunny to come to the hotel and take her cute picture and write her back.  Easter isn't for another 6 weeks.  Isn't it a little early for Easter Bunny magic?  See what I mean?  Something might be wrong with me.

Seeing pictures of friends having a good time on their break should make me smile.  And they do, until they don't anymore and I find myself complaining because I am not there.  Hearing of successful diets or work out routines…most of the time I am the one who will get up and jump for joy with you…today?  Just irritates me.  HAHAHAHA!

I know how crazy I sound right this second.  Believe me, I do.

Are these things one should keep to ones self in the event that it sounds crazy or selfish or petty?  Probably, but this is my little corner of the web and I am whining tonight…no…not whining…bellyaching…some would even say bitching…yep, that's the one.

S@#T HAPPENS!

I wasn't feeling it this year.  The warm, yummy feeling that generally accompanies the Season simply never truly settled in for me.  Don't get me wrong, there were sweet moments and I enjoyed Christmas, but there were many times that I found myself looking forward to December 26th.  I tried to figure out why this year was different for me.  Why was I so out of it?  I didn't do cards.  I didn't bake.  I didn't do gifts for friends or neighbors or most of the wonderful staff that teach my children.  I didn't even make it to church last Sunday for the traditional Christmas service.  (that was way beyond my control though...more later)  I did my Christmas shopping in the span of about 3 days just before Christmas...some even happened ON Christmas Eve itself.  I am not an organized person but this is a time of year that I can generally be found with lists and schedules and excited plans for savoring the Season.  My favorite moments of this years Holiday festivities were far more simple...could have missed them if I had been worried about the bigger things I did not accomplish.

Finding balance got slightly more difficult this year as I am now working a full time job, which I love.  (which is a good thing because the pay is not great)  What I get in lieu of a great paycheck; however, is beyond price.  The unconditional love from these incredible spirits is priceless.  The best hugs ever are given in that special needs classroom.  The smiles of recognition from a boy who is stuck inside his own little head are immeasurable.  Those kids have humbled me in many ways.  The teachers that I work with, in and out of this class, have shown me what it means to love and sacrifice for other people's children, whether the parents realize the sacrifice or not.  I have always believed that we each have certain callings in our lives but it never occurred to me that we might have more than one at different times in our lifetimes.  I have found a new part of myself in this particular calling/ job.  Remembering what it means to love unconditionally is their gift to me.

Holidays rarely happen without a solid dose of drama.  The drama for us came on a Sunday morning when the s@#t quite literally hit the fan...well, it hit more than fans over here.  It started pouring in around 8:30 that morning and gave us quite the holiday magic for nearly six hours.  Needless to say...it was an adventure.  We now have repairs and clean-up to do that we were not planning on.  We are living for the silver lining though...new floors, new paint, new cabinets, new hall bathroom.  I am sure that there are other new things that we have not yet realized are coming given the extent of the damage.  I got to see a side of my boys that I had not seen before.  They got in that mess and worked tirelessly beside their father for hours and hours without complaint.  They were awesome.  I am grateful for their ability to work hard.   When the "dust" had settled and we looked around at the mess all Larry and I could do was hug each other and see that it could have been worse.  We now just laugh about it...most of the time.  There are moments that I find myself getting kind of grumpy about it...several moments actually.  (2 days before Christmas? REALLY?)  And then we just move on.  I am sure that I will get grumpy several more times before it's over with but for now I will spend more time on houzz.com searching for floor and paint ideas.

So it's nearly 2014.  Oh I can't even get there yet.  I will just remain in my slightly delirious state for the moment.  You just never know what might come up next in our house...but hey, as the saying goes...shit happens. (it really, really does.)

Parenting and Social Media and my big mouth

There is a sound my dad makes that is loaded with all sorts of meaning...the power of which is that there is no real way of knowing quite what it means.  It is a sound he has made as long as I remember.  It's hilarious to me that we all know the sound and now I use it with my kids too.  It's a "hmm mph" sort of sound.  If he says it with raised eyebrows it generally means he thinks you might be a little crazy.  If he says it and doesn't look at you...odds are you better apologize pretty quick.  Most of the time it's said with a little chuckle and we all laugh.  I got that sound last night after seeing my oldest son's car.  And, for the record, it was deserved.  I had made it crystal clear that we would not buy him a car...no way, no how.  Then I went even farther and said we would absolutely not buy him a used bmw.  Even worse than that? I posted it to Facebook.  Decision making is hard sometimes but it is self-inflicted silliness when one posts parenting/ religious/ marriage/ money advice to any form of social media and then said person does exactly what she said she would never do.  Here's the kicker...I was wrong.

I said it.

I was wrong about the car.  I do think that accountability must be maintained.  I do think that they have to work for what they have...generally speaking.  I also think that within a short period of time these young people will be adults navigating life decisions that will sometimes be devastating...and right now, right this second in their lives...they are home and protected.  Don't get me wrong.  That protection does not always come in the form of a car for your 17th birthday.  It comes in much smaller ways for me.  Waking them up in the morning.  Making them breakfast.  Sending them off to school with a lunch in hand and making sure they have everything they need.  Some call that coddling.  Hand holding.  And maybe it is.  Guess what...I love every second of it.  The day will soon come that that waking them up for school will be a distant memory and I  will miss it.

So, how did this car come to be a fixture on our driveway?  We gave him money for his birthday.  We told him he could use it for a car, if that's what he wanted to do.  We didn't give him enough money to buy a car with less than 100,000 miles on it, no matter what the brand.  It was just enough to allow him to look for a car knowing that if he found the right deal he would have the cash to jump on it.  How was I to know that that deal would show up within 24 hours of giving him the money?  He found it.  A BMW, no less.  It's cute.  It's fun to drive.  I hate admitting this but I actually like the car. I like the car for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which because of the lesson it is teaching me.

We are seeing a side of him that we have not seen in a while.  He is taking care of it.  He is researching how to keep this car in shape.  He is getting a job.  Today, actually.  He is beaming about this car.  It is something that means a lot to him.  More than we thought.  I was wrong to think that my moral high ground was sufficient enough to teach him responsibility.  While that ground is often all I need in parenting, it can be limiting too.  I am not suggesting that every child would benefit from being given a car.  I am sure they think they would.  I have other children who won't be nearly as invested or interested in any kind of car.  Their interests and commitments are elsewhere.  As I thought about all of the reasons not to get him a car and the reasons we wanted to get him a car...well, frankly, I realized that the pros outweighed the cons.  And the truth is...

I wish that we had done it sooner.

So, to all who read my longwinded Facebook posts about the importance of teaching your kids responsibility and asking why in the world so many of our parents in this area are buying their kids cars...I stand on that...in concept.  I have learned; however, that I am not parenting anyone else's kids.  I stand on teaching responsibility.  I stand on the fact that some of these kids should absolutely not have cars given to them, or phones or computers or expensive clothes.  Truth is...it's none of my business.  Shame on me for having any kind of judgement about how others choose to parent.  

So there it is...biggest lesson...don't let your big mouth get away from you on social media.  Otherwise you might be spending some time getting that egg off your face.

A love letter

To my home...

Ten years ago my our world changed.  My fractured little family ceased to exist as I knew it.  Divorce is a wound that you think will eventually heal but, like most scars, you can still feel the echo of the pain many years later.  As divorces go, ours was amicable.  We supported each other, to the best of our abilities, and vowed to remain friends.  Many things would test that friendship.  Many.  The months that followed are something of a blur for me now but there was a great deal of rebuilding to be done.  I had allowed myself to get so lost that I didn't know where to start.  More loss would eventually bring us home, to Texas, to live with my parents.  After eleven years of living away from my family, coming home was as close to a sanctuary as anything could be.  My children remember those early days well.  It was exciting.  Trial and error being what it is, more tests would come.  College (again). Another marriage.  A pregnancy.  Another divorce while just six weeks pregnant.  New heartache.  New life.  New love.  A renewed love.  And a house.  This house.  Larry and I remarried here in the family room of this house that we live in now, that we are about to say good-bye to.  In the time that we have been here we have built a life together that we never knew we could have before.  That friendship that had been so tested grew into a great, great love.  These walls have comforted and amused and protected and sanctified our family in ways that we may not yet realize.

As I walk through each room I see so many moments.  Overflowing with memories and laughter.  Kids everywhere.  Family dinners.  Christmas.  Thanksgiving with my entire family spread across the kitchen, dining area and family room.  Birthday parties with magicians and princesses.  Sick children cuddled up in our room.  Lots of firsts...bicycles, baseball, lost teeth, wins and losses, birthdays, holidays, and so many nothing days that meant more than all of the holidays combined.  It was in those nothing days that our family thrived.

There were trying times as well, of course, but being home always made those times better.  We are taught a lot about making our homes sanctuaries...protection from outside influence...the place you want to be.  Without any real thought this house has become that.  Our children want to be here.  Their friends want to be here.  Family members want to be here.  It is a home that, in my opinion, is so filled with love that you can feel it when you are here.  I know it's not the walls or the roof or the structure that have created that.  It's the people that have filled this home with memories.  I also know that it is a feeling that will come in our new home.  But for this moment, as we pack up boxes and take down pictures and host one last holiday, I want to say thank you.  Thank you to a home that has provided love and stability.  I will forever be grateful for all the life that has been lived here and for the family that we are because of it.

A new young family will move in here and will, I hope, find the same love that we have.  I see their children playing and laughing, new memories, holidays and their own family gatherings.  May this home be for you what it has been for us.

Paula Deen and Russian law

I grew up in the deep South.  (generally speaking...we moved a lot) I am not ignorant to the racism that existed when I was a child and the racism that exists to this day.  I am sure that there is a whole lot more to this story than we are getting but all I can say is "Honey HUSH!" What in the world could she have said that would warrant all of this?  Even the publisher?  You'd think she fried small children or something.  Racism is and has always been a plague of ignorance.  We do what we know and was done before us.  I never considered myself a racist but I do remember a rather embarrassing moment at a dance a hundred years ago when a wonderful young black man asked me to dance.  I said yes...and then I didn't know what to do with myself.  I was nervous.  I ashamed to admit that but I was.  It was something I knew nothing about.  Racism in the deep South is categorically different than anywhere else in the country.  Family feuds and ancestral agendas have fueled ongoing racism and will likely never end.  Unless we can change the dialogue.  I don't know how nor do I pretend to but why are we skewering Paula Deen?

Meanwhile in another part of the world, leaders have decided to make being gay illegal.
Russia passes anti gay legislation

I know that I have had a lot to say on this subject as of late and all I can say is that it has really struck an emotional chord with me.  Like I said...I have no idea whatsoever what determines a person's sexual preference.  I can't begin to debate the science or the religion of it.  I can read things like THIS
and understand that mother's perspective.  I even understand how she got to the place she was in, believing that she was doing what God would want her to do.  I recently watched a documentary about Chely Wright that had an impact on me.  This girl knew who she was.  She kept it hidden and the thing she said that got me was that she hadn't come out for herself...she came out "for the 14 year old boy sitting on the edge of his bed with a pistol in his mouth".  Then I had to decide how I would feel if homosexuality might be addressed at school in a way that allowed kids to feel the freedom to be themselves and not hide.  Would I want my kids taught that it is totally normal to have feelings for people of the same sex?  My instinct is to say that I would not, that I would fear for the life that child would be signing himself up for.  I would be afraid of what others would do to him or her that would tear them down.  We are still killing each other over this same debate in 2013 with hate crimes still rampant.  Hate.  What is the opposite of hate?  Well, clearly it's love and if we walk the religious path then we can say that God is love too which can only mean that God loves us no matter what...and expects us to do the same.  Like the deal with Ms Paula Deen, I am confident that there is more to the story than I will ever know.  I hope that I can look at each of my children, and farther than that to their friends...and know that I would not flinch.  I don't need to understand all to get that my job is simply to love...unconditionally and without fear.  There was a time when I was too afraid of what people thought to allow myself that luxury.  In a time when we have children without families, families without homes, bellies without food, countries without freedom, I cannot understand why we still want to promote and sanctify hate.  If you don't want to understand, ok...but admit that you don't and move on.  If you think that your family will never be touched by the epidemic of hate that goes along with homosexuality then you are incredibly naive.  I know what I believe God says about families and about being gay but if you look to your scriptures you will find a whole lot more written about love than any other subject.  Why am I so tuned in to this discussion lately you wonder...I am not sure.  I will let you know when I do.  What I  can tell you is that every single person on the planet today, yesterday and tomorrow is endowed with the divine right to be loved.  Who are we to deny that?

In less important news...I am turning 40.  "When?"..."Someday".  (name that movie)