Days are slipping

It is so late.  I am not the least bit tired.  I should be but my brain is on overdrive at the moment.  Scheduling.  Kids.  School.  Larry.  Travel.  KIDS!  Holidays.  Wedding.  Church.  Responsibility.  All of this...every last bit of it means more to me than I can say.  I am eternally grateful for the challenges and opportunities that line this path I am on.  My brain is feeling a little like a hamster in a cage though. I turned 39 this week.  Enough said.  Ha!  I am happy to be ending my 30's.  A lot happened in this past decade and much of it was wonderful.  I will always be grateful for this time in my life as it has once again completely redefined itself.  Kids go back to school in a week which signals new changes for us, as individuals and as a family.  I know well that I must do all that I can to keep up with that and to take care of myself along the way.  Sleep is fighting me but it is absolutely time for me to try to fight back and sitting at this computer, staring at calendars and to do lists will simply not do.

A journaling challenge

Once again I have been challenged.  It's no secret that I am attempting change, or should I say IMPROVEMENT, in many areas of my life.  I had my hair cut today and my stylist asked if I was having some kind of mid-life crisis.  She may be all of 23 so 39 must look like mid-life to her.  I don't think it is so much a crisis of any kind, rather an awakening to myself.  That sounds ridiculous so let me  see if I can explain.  We spend much of our time on things that matter and a great deal of time on things that simply don't.  We also work vigilantly to avoid spending time on ourselves, for fear that it might be selfish?  Perhaps but I have never been scared of being selfish...I am sure that there are many who could attest to that.  My birthday is coming up quickly and I will be 39.  Thirty-nine just sounds like a grown up.  Let's be clear, I don't feel very grown up most of the time and I'd still rather have my parents fix my problems, but grown up just the same.  An adult.  I am many things but I am only just now approaching what can be described as true adulthood.  With that comes a certain clarity...I have realized that talk will get you nowhere...yes, I have known that a long time but in this case self talk is more accurate.  I can set goals and say "I want to" all I want but unless and until I stop talking about it and simply do any of the things I say I want to do...well we know how far good intentions get you.  With all of that said, I have set a challenge for myself to journal a little every day.  We were well taught in a recent church activity that journaling has the ability to build our faith and help us recognize the Lord's hand in our lives.  I think that I see those things but I wonder how much of it I actually remember.  I have been enormously blessed and wish for my children to know and remember how grateful I was in my life.  Without gratitude it means very little.

Summer is coming to an end and I feel a measure of regret.  We did not set out on any adventures or set  day plans according to a theme of some kind.  I did not spend much time at the pool or at an amusement park.  There have been a few adventures but nothing that anyone will be writing about applauding their summer vacations.  I have; however, spent this summer watching 4 little kids grow up right in front of me.  I am certainly not the captain of a ship of babies and toddlers anymore.  I am excited about what is sure to come, though I have great fear about the downsides of growing up and the life lessons each of them will surely face.  Kimball is heading into his SOPHOMORE year in high school.  I remember that year so well.  I remember plays I did and singing in the school choir.  I remember friends and even some who did not like me one darn bit.  I remember nursing a wounded heart from time to time as well.  What will he face?  How will we guide him?  There is no road map for teenagers at this point in our history.  There is no sure way to success anymore.  We are all slightly guessing, albeit educated guesses for some.  Another first is having a daughter in middle school.  Those were not good years.  I didn't know where I fit yet, I probably never did figure that out.  I wanted so badly to be liked and I see that same thing in Kyra.  Kaden and Kierstin are not in new waters for me but it is certainly new for them.  I don't love the crazy that comes with a school schedule but I am giddy about being part of this next phase of growth for them.  More to come...

A crooked smile

Kaden ventured into basketball today.  Well, he had his first official game.  It was a slow start but they were so darn cute.  I know that they are big boys and cute shouldn't be in the vernacular.  It was so much fun to watch him play.  He had a break out turnover and followed that up with a layup and the smile that slowly crept across his face was perfection.  It was that lopsided "I'm not going to smile at my own success lest they think I am lame" smile.  We are looking forward to seeing where this goes.  He has several friends on this team which makes it that much more fun.  

Almost July

It is dreadfully hot here these days.  It is the kind of heat that prompts one to move North.  The kind of heat that even a pool cannot redeem.  If you are following along you will see that I am making changes and additions to my little nook of cyberspace.  I decided that if this is to serve as my journal then I will use it as much as possible.  It is kind of fun actually.  I will post more photos and share more stories as well as try to recapture old memories fading away with time.  It seems that once I start remembering and writing things down I often have an avalanche of memories that I simply can't type fast enough to save.   Comments are welcome, of course, but remember that this is all subjective.  My memories are hazy and I have come to learn often incorrect.  I will work to clarify them.  Thanks for stopping by!

11 Years with Kyra

I was mad when I found out I was pregnant.  Seriously.  Mad.  I was working with a professional theatre company, auditioning for commercials and feeling amazing.  This threw all of that out the window for at least nine months.  (give or take a year)  Once the surprise wore off things settled down and we got kind of excited.  Yes, only kind of...until we had the sonogram that told us it was a girl.  Something about that word changed the entire thing.  Of course we would have been happy either way, but this was different.  Larry wanted to name her Kierstin, in fact, he had wanted a baby girl named Kierstin since before we met...but when she got here it simply didn't fit her.  It didn't feel right.  We agreed on Kyra Larkin and this adventure began.  She is a curious little creature with great big eyes and a huge imagination.  She is quirky and sweet and funny. She is good to others and always makes us laugh.  She has a genuinely good heart.  She asks lots of strange questions, so strange in fact that we have titled them "Kyra questions".  If you have heard any of these odd queries you know what I mean.  If you haven't...listen closely...it won't take long.  She has lots of them.  She is turning into a young woman, much to her disappointment I am afraid.  She would rather stay a little girl.  I loved having her as a little girl, but I am so looking forward to watching this little flower bloom.  Happy birthday my sweet baby girl!

Proud Mama Moment: Indulge Me

This just came to me from one of Kaden's Scout leaders and I just need to document it.  You are free to share in my happy mama moment...they are to be treasured as we don't usually hear about the good things they do...:)

From one of his leaders:  "I've updated Kaden's PDF file that I keep on him for Scouting and am attaching it to this email. He did very well at Scout Camp. Being our Sr. Patrol Leader, and this being his first time at camp he did extremly well. Kaden has a great attitude an gets along very well with the young men. He attended the Sr. Patrol Leader Meetings daily and was a great leader/example for the young men. During the Scout Camp week we had a testimony meeting on Tuesday evening. Kaden gave a humble testimony of the gospel and of Christ. I came across this quote while I was in the mission field (we won't say how many years ago that was :-) ) and it always reminds me to think of Christ as I learn more about him each day......it also helps me in working with the young men as they are always teaching and showing me new things....it goes like this..."Coming to know a person is like the careful study of an intricate and beautiful diamond. As we see into one facet, others are illuminated and made clear, thus gradually, one facet at a time, we come to appreciate and love the whole man".

Thanks for all of your support. You have a great son!!! He's doing very well as our Sr. Patrol Leader and Deacon's Quorum President."

We are still not sure how we got this kid.  He certainly has his flaws but he has a huge heart.  He is six months away from starting his Eagle project and that is ALL his own doing.  I am incredibly proud of him and proud to get to be his mom.  

Second verse, same as the first

He is finally on a plane to Russia...well, one to New York and then one to Russia but this one actually took off.  We had some set backs yesterday, what with the nail in the plane's tire and all.  It gave us an extra day with Larry but meant driving BACK to the airport again.  For the record, that construction is ridiculous!

Why Russia?  Larry has been contracted to work on the Winter Olympics again, this time in Sochi, Russia.  No relocation this time.  Just a lot of airports and jet lag.  This trip is only a week and in that week we have a few distractions.

Every summer I try to have a plan that will create memories for the kids.  Still formulating that plan.  Any thoughts?  I am also working up the courage to go sugar free and possibly jump into the no processed food camp as well.

I was reading back through some of my old posts.  I so wish that I had kept up with this because it is a great journal!!!  So many pictures and such.  Love it.  More to come...

Summer has officially begun!

I love Saturdays again.  During the school year Saturdays are usually reduced to being the day you run around to catch up from the rest of the week.  Not today.  Today has been filled with birthday parties, swimming, family over for shrimp boil and maybe even some fireworks.  (can't promise that we will head out for the fireworks...have to be up early to take Larry to the airport to head to Russia to start work on the next Winter Olympics)


Let me go back a few hours though and follow up on last night's sulking.  The interesting thing about coming to that place where you realize that you have no idea what you are doing and you have no real control over what is coming is that you can let go and find your faith/ trust/ hope in whatever keeps you going, Heavenly Father in our house, and know that it is all in His hands.  Don't get me wrong, I am a blessed woman.  I have an amazing family and incredible kids and most of the time I think I kind of rock too.  I can say that because it's true.  The moments when I doubt that are the moments when I get tired.  And then I look at real struggle and loss and crisis and remember that I am in a good place and thank God for that blessing!  So, I am in a new place of growth with my family again and I have a lot to learn and a long way to go.  I am happy to be able to say that though.  This next phase of our lives will bring its own kind of struggles and now is the time for me to get things in order, keep my family close and simplify.  This week I was in a meeting for a church position I have, I am a counselor in our Relief Society which is our women's organization...more at lds.org if that has gone right over your head.  Anyway, I was in this meeting and we were talking about personal ministry and what could we possibly bring to our sisters' lives that would help all of us unify our families and strengthen our homes.  That is no small thing.  A scripture was quoted that I fell in love with instantly.  It is a scripture I have heard many times but this time meant something different.  It is found in the Doctrine and Covenants, which is a book of scripture containing "revelations from the Lord to the Prophet Joseph Smith"...seriously, lds.org is SO much better at this than I am.  Bear with me.  
So, this scripture can be found here:  Doctrine and Covenants 101 
But in the interest of convenience, here ya go:


D&C 101:16  Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine ^ahands; be still and ^bknow that I am God.


So much is said in that one verse.  Essentially it says to relax...He's got this.  Be still!!!  I love that phrase.  How much are we trying to do in our lives and forgetting to give time to our faith and to ourselves?  


I know that we all have our own versions of faith and what we believe in or don't believe in, but the common threads are there.  We want to be a little better every day.  We want to love our families and take care of each other.  Some want to honor their God and some to honor the glory that is in themselves.  I am taking a look at my list and I am going to find the way to Be Still.  There is so much to learn there.  

Feeling of defeat

Ok, I am sulking.  Nah, not the right word.  Can't really qualify it but I am feeling less than thrilled.  I wish that it was one thing that I could pick out and solve.  I am afraid; however, that it is not.  It seems to have something of a layering effect that has gotten me to a fragile place.  I am not a fan of feeling fragile.  Seriously.


Warning: if you do not want to enter the thought patterns of a slightly erratic, altogether emotional woman...now would be the time to switch over to youtube nonsense.


You've been warned.


And for the record, I am writing this out now for me...in an attempt to understand, peel back a layer or two and tell myself to knock it off.  Ok.  So, kids got out of school.  Big day.  Now I have a 1st, 6th, 7th and 10th grader!  When did that happen?  I also ended a year long commitment to being PTA president.  Big year.  Larry is traveling again and that has its own challenges.  We deal with those.  It doesn't help my general feeling of defeat though.  I am a one man show most of the time and my audience doesn't usually agree with me.  (along with not liking fragile, I don't like feeling ignored)  And to be totally honest, I am fed up with worrying about weight...not worrying about weight, stressing about weight and health and then feeling inadequate standing next to the mom's who take the time to go to the gym and seem to have no problem whatsoever eating right.  I hate this entire game...I just want to be healthy.  Not there yet either.  One HUGE layer of the defeat.  Of course the resolve is in choosing to take care of myself.  Of course it means eating right and working out.  Of course I should want to do that and make myself go.  But the general sense of defeat is drowning out any sounds of encouragement, however feeble that might be.


So.  Weight.  Larry traveling.  Kids getting so big.  Moving on from big responsibility.  Everyone deals with that in some way, right?  Why the drama today?  Hormones?  Maybe. My skin is screaming about hormones this week.  AHA...another little layer...dealing with skin issues at almost 39 years old.  Seriously!


There is this one thing.  I have now been parenting for nearly 16 years.  Generally speaking one could earn a number of degrees in that period of time. Doctorate.  PhD.  Law school.  And yet, I feel even less prepared to be a parent than I did 16 years ago.  I don't know what I am doing.  I am trying to raise these independent kids who have thoughts and faith of their own and have a desire to make a difference, work hard and be the best versions of themselves.  All of that, mind you, while not doing that AT ALL for myself.  Instead of doing that, I am discussing, explaining, arguing, even begging kids to simply consider the possibility that my rules might have a purpose.  If I have one more of my children ask me WHY CAN'T WE DO SLEEPOVERS...I am not quite sure what I will do.  I am sure that i have explained that a hundred times.  I have even examined the question and considered every possible reason to allow them and I still come back to the feeling that I cannot allow them.  I am confident that no one I know has or will have any issues with sleepovers and it is a certain rite of passage for a kid...I just can't take the chances that come along with kids in the middle of the night making decisions they know very well they could not make at home.  There are many reasons but at the end of the day, I stand by it.  That is but one example of the debating that happens in my home though.  Sleepovers, rated R movies, caffeinated drinks, excessive sugar, Sundays as actual Sabbath days...let alone the hope that we were a family that studied scriptures together and prayed and did the daily things that increase one's testimony and relationship with the Savior.  I want that.  So, why don't the rest of them?  Don't get me wrong, I have kids that are happy to cooperate in such activities, but if we don't do it...they are just fine with that too.  I am left to wonder what in the world I am fighting for.  I hate being the bad guy.  I despise the "ask your mom" question, which carries with it an understood "I would let you but you know how mom feels about that".  Maybe it isn't understood but it is how I feel about it.


If you are still reading...I am impressed.  You must be thinking I am really nutty by now.


I feel defeated.  That's really all there is at this hour.  Sleep will bring a new day and new opportunities to improve and, no doubt, renewed commitment and strength to stick to my guns.  Do you ever sit back and ask yourself what you are really fighting for?  The discussions and arguments and deals we make, with ourselves, with our kids, with God...I know that I have so much to be grateful for and my whining will cease soon.  Just had to get this out there tonight.  (try not to think badly of me...I am kind of fragile.)  :)

I have been inspired!

I took a nice lengthy break from blogging and thought that I might be done with it altogether, until this week.  I was shown some incredible things about blogging that could be meaningful to my children at some point, and more specifically, important to me.  It's been awhile so I have to get my head wrapped around this again but I know that using this as a photo journal and a place that I can share memories will be well worth the time.  I don't know that I can get all caught up from my absence but I can try.