Oh. Wow.

That is all I can say.  I feel as if a train has just plowed through my week and I am left at the end of it trying to figure out what happened...was I there...and what did I forget?  It's late right now, and despite well earned sleep, it is keeping its distance.  I am tired, of course, but I am still pretty wound up.  As you may have already heard, I spent some time in the ER tonight with my little Kierstin.  Her head made contact with the corner on a wall in our home and the wall won.  It's funny, because I try to find that moment when it happened and all I can really go back to is that I had just taken a shower, wet hair and all, had picked up a rotting apple that she had left on my dresser and on my way to throwing it out I heard the impact and subsequent breathless cries that always spell disaster.  The apple is, as it happens, still sitting right here on my desk.  It didn't make it to the trash can.  The next ten minutes were fast, and painfully slow all at the same time.  Kaden and Kyra?  Where can I send them?  Who do I call?  Kyra suggests the neighbors home, which under normal circumstances I might have done, but it was my level headed 8 year old who conjured it first.  Of course, I say.  Two down, now Kimball.  (oh, and put some clothes on for crying out loud.  still in a robe, with wet hair!)  Clothes?  Check.  Kimball dropped off.  Check.  Driving to the hospital starting to worry about blood and head injury and don't let her fall asleep and all of the other stayoutofmywayIamonthewaytothehospital thoughts you might have...all while trying to remain calm, for her.  We made it.  The ER trip was actually faster than I thought it might be.  They were wonderful with her.  And with me.  She watched tv.  She drank chocolate milk, delivered to her by our wonderful Michelle.  Have I mentioned yet that she was wearing her favorite pink snowflake dress that I am pretty sure all of the metroplex has seen her in now?  Yes, she was.  And she was worried about whether or not the blood would come out.  I, secretly, am hoping that they won't and that she will find the need to select new favorites.  Not likely.  So, all is well until they cheerfully decide its time to staple her together.  Staples.  Could Humpty Dumpty have been saved with staples?  Exactly.  And...they have to come out.  Uh, that means another doctor visit.  Another trauma.  And she will be mad too!  HA!  So, it was fast, but not painless.  All she wanted, besides the elephant, chocolate milk, Michelle, me, and to get the heck out of there, was Larry.  That was the most difficult moment.  As we left she asked if it was time to get Daddy.  When I told her we could call him instead, she lost it.  Not tears that indicated the staples in her head, but the tears you have when someone finally asks you if you are ok, and you aren't.  The tears that come when the end of the day can't come fast enough and one more child yells, one too many times.  The tears that come when you have had your head hit the wall, blood on your favorite dress, staples!!!  and you just want to see Dad, and you can't.  That made me choke a bit.  A lot actually.  She sleeps now, holding that pink elephant, hair still highlighted with red that she wouldn't let me wash out yet, on Dad's side of the bed.  How I love her.  How grateful I am for friends who stepped in to help out, for family that loves her as much as we do, for the blessing of being able to put her back together and bring her home to children who were anxious to see her ok.  Today.  I am tired.  Today.  I want stability.  I am counting down the days for Larry's return, as is he.  I have no doubt that while this is hard on me, it is quite possibly harder on him.  I am grateful to have work, and healthy children.  I am also really looking forward to a normal Saturday night, without sickness or blood or tears or...well, what am I saying?  I have four children.  That would be altogether foolish of me to wish for all of that.  Perhaps I should start with getting some sleep.  Good night all.

No idea where the time has gone

Well, guess what?  It's 2010.  We did have Christmas.  We did, I promise.  The photos are all with Larry, I am afraid, or Michelle, or Nicole, or any number of others who were present.  I simply have no photos to share.  I am working up the courage to face the fact that another year has begun and that generally brings with it some measure of change, in the hopes that improvement will follow.  I am also sliding my way into getting our health under control and getting each of my children involved in something that they love.  I fear that we are all just sort of fumbling along doing things that we don't love, or don't mind doing, or that really are just tedious...but what are we doing that we love?  I realized that even the children apply to that as we enroll them in piano, scouts, church obligations and school...what do they love about most of that?  Yep.  You get the point. So, in recognition of the fact that I have a mere 5 years left at home with Kimball, I want to make sure that we find something...that he finds something that he loves and that we can support.  Kaden is back on the Baseball thing.  Kierstin will start a little dance class soon.  And Kyra...well, I don't know what to do with her.  One day she wants to swim, next day she wants to dance, then act (as long as she doesn't have to get on a stage...you see the irony there, right?), then back to swimming and she changes her mind about dance because she doesn't see the sense in "wiggling her butt all over the place".  Yep.  She said that.  So, we have to go back to the search with her as well, all in the hopes that we can find a place in the world for them to be motivated, excited.  I stand by the idea that too many classes and responsibilities simply stress a child out, but I also know that they need to be busy in some kind of work that keeps them focused and moving in a positive direction.

With that said, I am doing the same thing for myself.  I am working toward enrolling in a couple or three classes at NCTC in the next couple of weeks.  I am also back on board with my favorite eating plan, Meal Balance and look forward to that.  I may even look into some kind of music or dance class fun of my own.  I am excited about working toward improvement, not as New Years resolutions, but as tools to strengthen my family, and myself.

We are without Larry until April.  Many, many weeks.  Those weeks may prove to either be a period of simply "killing time", or they can be spent in the efforts of seeking after positive things, change, fun and laughter, and becoming closer to these little people I share this life with.  I hope to fill the pages of this little blog with photos and stories of improvements and highlights every week.

Yep, can't sleep again.

I am up looking at these:

And wanting one of these:

When really what I need is to be doing this:

(you understand that I am the bear in this scenario, right?)

Ok, it's 2010.  It is.  It's the stuff of science fiction movies that it is actually 2010.  I was expecting silver jumpsuits and flying cars by now, but nope.  I suppose you could find such a jumpsuit, but I wouldn't recommend it.  Really.  Wouldn't.

So, what does it mean to be in this new year/ decade?  Well, my sleep patterns have to change, that's obvious.  I have a fair number of things I would like to address and improve upon in the new year.  Health, education, parenting, you name it...it's probably on the list. I do intend to play more.  Play!  I want to institute a "Play Every Day" rule in our house.  Even if it's just 15 minutes of pure family fun, it will only be 15 minutes once you get past the whining and complaining and bickering.  Once we pass that though, pure fun.  Laughter.  Family building.  Fun.  Beyond that, I don't have a set plan except to say that I will be seeing my doctor for a new physical, seeing a chiropractor (I hope) for lots of ailments, and getting to work on that Meal Balance plan to get healthy.  I still have quite a number of training sessions to use at the gym, so the next three months while Larry is working will be dedicated to me.  I said it, ME.  I feel as if we had just such a conversation last year about this time, in fact, maybe every year.  But, I have a window of time that screams out "take care of yourself"!  Literally, screams.  The real truth is that if I don't, we may be enrolling me into some psych ward or mental hospital by the time Larry gets home.  We don't want that.

So, for now, no babies, no puppies, no new houses or trips...all distractions I occupy my time with.  My days will be dedicated to me, my job here at home and raising children.  By the way, what do you anticipate for yourself for the next decade?  You should think about that one.  Me?  Glad you asked.  I will graduate three children from high school.  Possibly send two on missions and then send three to college.  I will see my baby enter the 9th grade.  I will be 46.  Will I still be having the same conversations then about taking care of myself and finishing school?  I am aiming higher than that for the next decade.  I have little people to tend to that must be ready to go out into the world soon.  My job seems to have just gotten a little bit harder with that realization.  I better get to taking care of me so that I can take care of them.

Happy New Year Friends and Family!

More to come...

Can't sleep!

I am having trouble falling asleep.  Everyone else is sleeping in my little nook of the world, except me.  I have always had trouble falling asleep, but I have taken the requisite Tylenol PM, needed to kick a headache as well, and still nothin'.  Well, the headache is gone.  I guess that's something.

I am stewing over some things tonight.  I am avoiding this impending holiday, and for no real reason.  I have not yet felt the sweetness that was there last year.  My baby sister is in the middle of a divorce and that has been...well among other things, a reminder of times I have since filed away.   I say filed because I never really let it all go.  I don't think that I can afford the therapy sessions required to truly put it all in its place.  I'm ok with it being there, reminding me to be grateful for my present full life.  I am happy to have the companionship of that memory when I am feeling particularly overwhelmed and I can honestly say to myself, "it could be worse".  The thing is that now I am watching my sister go through it.  While some days are good and some are bad, the ending of a marriage is always heartbreaking, for all parties involved, even us somewhat innocent bystanders.  I am praying for relief for that little family in the coming weeks as they sort our their lives, and separate the lines that have kept them together for nearly 7 years.  Even under the best of circumstances, that dissection is painful.

In other news, Christmas is surely coming whether I am ready or not.  I am ready, for the most part, and I have baked and made candies and decorated and such, but I can't say that I am there yet.  Why is that?  I have no idea.  What I do know is that Brittany is coming with her family, a treat worth every holiday and then some and Michael and his family will get to be here as well, a rocking good time with getting so many of the little ones together.  I am looking forward to the pajama shot on the stairs of my home, where we line them all up, in as smooth a way as possible, and then shoot as many cameras as possible at them hoping to get one good picture.  I am afraid that the children are feeling sort of separate from Christmas as well.  Magic is missing at the moment.  Even the Elves have been quiet.  Gingie has been downright LAZY.

So, tomorrow I wake and hope to bring the magic to life for these four babies and all of the incoming little ones.  I am so happy for all of the families that get there children home for the Holidays and truly can't wait to have so many of them here, under one roof...yep, mine...for what I pray will be a sweet, memorable, if not colorful Christmas season.

There will be pictures soon.  Promise!

I really want to sleep!!!!!!!!

Scissors and Squirrels

Scissors

Ok, so it's been awhile.  Things have been rather, well...busy.  I could not let this one pass though.  In my morning of phone calls and reality avoiding, I had Kierstin home with me today.  We woke up early and had a long list of things to do.  Let's not forget the reality avoiding that was going on.  So, Kierstin comes in and says to me "I cut my hair".  Well, I see the scissors in her hand and think to myself, she looks normal...I mean, I don't see any obvious damage.  I take the scissors from her and give her a little talking to about not using scissors.  She wanders away.  I then walk into the kitchen where I was met with that!  That image of little lovely locks on the floor.  Uh-huh.  She had cut it.  My response was something akin to feeling great anguish over a missing pet or lost talent show.  ;)  She begins to melt.  MELTTTTTTT.  She is crying and apologizing and saying she wants to be a big girl. Debatable who was more sad at that moment, though her performance was much better than mine.  I obviously had to take her to a professional for redemption and the photos that follow outline what happened next.  I have a sweet little ponytail of her baby hair that could no longer stay attached to her three year old body.  She is growing up fast and finding trouble from time to time.  Can't stop loving that little face and despite my love for her long hair, she is cute with this cut as well.  As a friend said, "very sassy".

And now for the squirrels.

This little creature, cute and cuddly and fun to watch scamper through the yard and laugh at their antics...that little thing that tortures Atticus and loves it...this little thing that we love to see in the trees...THAT little mongrel is chewing up my Christmas lights on the roof.  Chewing right through the power cords, I tell you.  Who knows how to cook a squirrel???

What is it about divorce that makes people so mean?

Ok, so as some of you know, my baby sister Kristen is in the beginning phase of getting a divorce.  Divorce on any terms is a miserable process.  Trust me.  When there is a child involved, it can either be

3 Weeks?!?!?!?!?!?!

I feel as if this has snuck up on me.  Let me be clear: I haven't purchased or made ONE gift!  NOT ONE!  Now, I am a pretty good planner, not great on the execution, but I know how to make lists.  I don't even have a list.  I looked at the calendar and Christmas Eve is EXACTLY three weeks away.  In the middle of that space of time I am headed to Vancouver for 4 days.  Fun, yes, exciting!  Yes, but I can't believe that I haven't done anything yet.  How in the world did I do this to myself?

What are you doing for Christmas gifts?  You may have to double up to make up for my gift deficiency.