S@#T HAPPENS!

I wasn't feeling it this year.  The warm, yummy feeling that generally accompanies the Season simply never truly settled in for me.  Don't get me wrong, there were sweet moments and I enjoyed Christmas, but there were many times that I found myself looking forward to December 26th.  I tried to figure out why this year was different for me.  Why was I so out of it?  I didn't do cards.  I didn't bake.  I didn't do gifts for friends or neighbors or most of the wonderful staff that teach my children.  I didn't even make it to church last Sunday for the traditional Christmas service.  (that was way beyond my control though...more later)  I did my Christmas shopping in the span of about 3 days just before Christmas...some even happened ON Christmas Eve itself.  I am not an organized person but this is a time of year that I can generally be found with lists and schedules and excited plans for savoring the Season.  My favorite moments of this years Holiday festivities were far more simple...could have missed them if I had been worried about the bigger things I did not accomplish.

Finding balance got slightly more difficult this year as I am now working a full time job, which I love.  (which is a good thing because the pay is not great)  What I get in lieu of a great paycheck; however, is beyond price.  The unconditional love from these incredible spirits is priceless.  The best hugs ever are given in that special needs classroom.  The smiles of recognition from a boy who is stuck inside his own little head are immeasurable.  Those kids have humbled me in many ways.  The teachers that I work with, in and out of this class, have shown me what it means to love and sacrifice for other people's children, whether the parents realize the sacrifice or not.  I have always believed that we each have certain callings in our lives but it never occurred to me that we might have more than one at different times in our lifetimes.  I have found a new part of myself in this particular calling/ job.  Remembering what it means to love unconditionally is their gift to me.

Holidays rarely happen without a solid dose of drama.  The drama for us came on a Sunday morning when the s@#t quite literally hit the fan...well, it hit more than fans over here.  It started pouring in around 8:30 that morning and gave us quite the holiday magic for nearly six hours.  Needless to say...it was an adventure.  We now have repairs and clean-up to do that we were not planning on.  We are living for the silver lining though...new floors, new paint, new cabinets, new hall bathroom.  I am sure that there are other new things that we have not yet realized are coming given the extent of the damage.  I got to see a side of my boys that I had not seen before.  They got in that mess and worked tirelessly beside their father for hours and hours without complaint.  They were awesome.  I am grateful for their ability to work hard.   When the "dust" had settled and we looked around at the mess all Larry and I could do was hug each other and see that it could have been worse.  We now just laugh about it...most of the time.  There are moments that I find myself getting kind of grumpy about it...several moments actually.  (2 days before Christmas? REALLY?)  And then we just move on.  I am sure that I will get grumpy several more times before it's over with but for now I will spend more time on houzz.com searching for floor and paint ideas.

So it's nearly 2014.  Oh I can't even get there yet.  I will just remain in my slightly delirious state for the moment.  You just never know what might come up next in our house...but hey, as the saying goes...shit happens. (it really, really does.)

Parenting and Social Media and my big mouth

There is a sound my dad makes that is loaded with all sorts of meaning...the power of which is that there is no real way of knowing quite what it means.  It is a sound he has made as long as I remember.  It's hilarious to me that we all know the sound and now I use it with my kids too.  It's a "hmm mph" sort of sound.  If he says it with raised eyebrows it generally means he thinks you might be a little crazy.  If he says it and doesn't look at you...odds are you better apologize pretty quick.  Most of the time it's said with a little chuckle and we all laugh.  I got that sound last night after seeing my oldest son's car.  And, for the record, it was deserved.  I had made it crystal clear that we would not buy him a car...no way, no how.  Then I went even farther and said we would absolutely not buy him a used bmw.  Even worse than that? I posted it to Facebook.  Decision making is hard sometimes but it is self-inflicted silliness when one posts parenting/ religious/ marriage/ money advice to any form of social media and then said person does exactly what she said she would never do.  Here's the kicker...I was wrong.

I said it.

I was wrong about the car.  I do think that accountability must be maintained.  I do think that they have to work for what they have...generally speaking.  I also think that within a short period of time these young people will be adults navigating life decisions that will sometimes be devastating...and right now, right this second in their lives...they are home and protected.  Don't get me wrong.  That protection does not always come in the form of a car for your 17th birthday.  It comes in much smaller ways for me.  Waking them up in the morning.  Making them breakfast.  Sending them off to school with a lunch in hand and making sure they have everything they need.  Some call that coddling.  Hand holding.  And maybe it is.  Guess what...I love every second of it.  The day will soon come that that waking them up for school will be a distant memory and I  will miss it.

So, how did this car come to be a fixture on our driveway?  We gave him money for his birthday.  We told him he could use it for a car, if that's what he wanted to do.  We didn't give him enough money to buy a car with less than 100,000 miles on it, no matter what the brand.  It was just enough to allow him to look for a car knowing that if he found the right deal he would have the cash to jump on it.  How was I to know that that deal would show up within 24 hours of giving him the money?  He found it.  A BMW, no less.  It's cute.  It's fun to drive.  I hate admitting this but I actually like the car. I like the car for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which because of the lesson it is teaching me.

We are seeing a side of him that we have not seen in a while.  He is taking care of it.  He is researching how to keep this car in shape.  He is getting a job.  Today, actually.  He is beaming about this car.  It is something that means a lot to him.  More than we thought.  I was wrong to think that my moral high ground was sufficient enough to teach him responsibility.  While that ground is often all I need in parenting, it can be limiting too.  I am not suggesting that every child would benefit from being given a car.  I am sure they think they would.  I have other children who won't be nearly as invested or interested in any kind of car.  Their interests and commitments are elsewhere.  As I thought about all of the reasons not to get him a car and the reasons we wanted to get him a car...well, frankly, I realized that the pros outweighed the cons.  And the truth is...

I wish that we had done it sooner.

So, to all who read my longwinded Facebook posts about the importance of teaching your kids responsibility and asking why in the world so many of our parents in this area are buying their kids cars...I stand on that...in concept.  I have learned; however, that I am not parenting anyone else's kids.  I stand on teaching responsibility.  I stand on the fact that some of these kids should absolutely not have cars given to them, or phones or computers or expensive clothes.  Truth is...it's none of my business.  Shame on me for having any kind of judgement about how others choose to parent.  

So there it is...biggest lesson...don't let your big mouth get away from you on social media.  Otherwise you might be spending some time getting that egg off your face.

A love letter

To my home...

Ten years ago my our world changed.  My fractured little family ceased to exist as I knew it.  Divorce is a wound that you think will eventually heal but, like most scars, you can still feel the echo of the pain many years later.  As divorces go, ours was amicable.  We supported each other, to the best of our abilities, and vowed to remain friends.  Many things would test that friendship.  Many.  The months that followed are something of a blur for me now but there was a great deal of rebuilding to be done.  I had allowed myself to get so lost that I didn't know where to start.  More loss would eventually bring us home, to Texas, to live with my parents.  After eleven years of living away from my family, coming home was as close to a sanctuary as anything could be.  My children remember those early days well.  It was exciting.  Trial and error being what it is, more tests would come.  College (again). Another marriage.  A pregnancy.  Another divorce while just six weeks pregnant.  New heartache.  New life.  New love.  A renewed love.  And a house.  This house.  Larry and I remarried here in the family room of this house that we live in now, that we are about to say good-bye to.  In the time that we have been here we have built a life together that we never knew we could have before.  That friendship that had been so tested grew into a great, great love.  These walls have comforted and amused and protected and sanctified our family in ways that we may not yet realize.

As I walk through each room I see so many moments.  Overflowing with memories and laughter.  Kids everywhere.  Family dinners.  Christmas.  Thanksgiving with my entire family spread across the kitchen, dining area and family room.  Birthday parties with magicians and princesses.  Sick children cuddled up in our room.  Lots of firsts...bicycles, baseball, lost teeth, wins and losses, birthdays, holidays, and so many nothing days that meant more than all of the holidays combined.  It was in those nothing days that our family thrived.

There were trying times as well, of course, but being home always made those times better.  We are taught a lot about making our homes sanctuaries...protection from outside influence...the place you want to be.  Without any real thought this house has become that.  Our children want to be here.  Their friends want to be here.  Family members want to be here.  It is a home that, in my opinion, is so filled with love that you can feel it when you are here.  I know it's not the walls or the roof or the structure that have created that.  It's the people that have filled this home with memories.  I also know that it is a feeling that will come in our new home.  But for this moment, as we pack up boxes and take down pictures and host one last holiday, I want to say thank you.  Thank you to a home that has provided love and stability.  I will forever be grateful for all the life that has been lived here and for the family that we are because of it.

A new young family will move in here and will, I hope, find the same love that we have.  I see their children playing and laughing, new memories, holidays and their own family gatherings.  May this home be for you what it has been for us.

Paula Deen and Russian law

I grew up in the deep South.  (generally speaking...we moved a lot) I am not ignorant to the racism that existed when I was a child and the racism that exists to this day.  I am sure that there is a whole lot more to this story than we are getting but all I can say is "Honey HUSH!" What in the world could she have said that would warrant all of this?  Even the publisher?  You'd think she fried small children or something.  Racism is and has always been a plague of ignorance.  We do what we know and was done before us.  I never considered myself a racist but I do remember a rather embarrassing moment at a dance a hundred years ago when a wonderful young black man asked me to dance.  I said yes...and then I didn't know what to do with myself.  I was nervous.  I ashamed to admit that but I was.  It was something I knew nothing about.  Racism in the deep South is categorically different than anywhere else in the country.  Family feuds and ancestral agendas have fueled ongoing racism and will likely never end.  Unless we can change the dialogue.  I don't know how nor do I pretend to but why are we skewering Paula Deen?

Meanwhile in another part of the world, leaders have decided to make being gay illegal.
Russia passes anti gay legislation

I know that I have had a lot to say on this subject as of late and all I can say is that it has really struck an emotional chord with me.  Like I said...I have no idea whatsoever what determines a person's sexual preference.  I can't begin to debate the science or the religion of it.  I can read things like THIS
and understand that mother's perspective.  I even understand how she got to the place she was in, believing that she was doing what God would want her to do.  I recently watched a documentary about Chely Wright that had an impact on me.  This girl knew who she was.  She kept it hidden and the thing she said that got me was that she hadn't come out for herself...she came out "for the 14 year old boy sitting on the edge of his bed with a pistol in his mouth".  Then I had to decide how I would feel if homosexuality might be addressed at school in a way that allowed kids to feel the freedom to be themselves and not hide.  Would I want my kids taught that it is totally normal to have feelings for people of the same sex?  My instinct is to say that I would not, that I would fear for the life that child would be signing himself up for.  I would be afraid of what others would do to him or her that would tear them down.  We are still killing each other over this same debate in 2013 with hate crimes still rampant.  Hate.  What is the opposite of hate?  Well, clearly it's love and if we walk the religious path then we can say that God is love too which can only mean that God loves us no matter what...and expects us to do the same.  Like the deal with Ms Paula Deen, I am confident that there is more to the story than I will ever know.  I hope that I can look at each of my children, and farther than that to their friends...and know that I would not flinch.  I don't need to understand all to get that my job is simply to love...unconditionally and without fear.  There was a time when I was too afraid of what people thought to allow myself that luxury.  In a time when we have children without families, families without homes, bellies without food, countries without freedom, I cannot understand why we still want to promote and sanctify hate.  If you don't want to understand, ok...but admit that you don't and move on.  If you think that your family will never be touched by the epidemic of hate that goes along with homosexuality then you are incredibly naive.  I know what I believe God says about families and about being gay but if you look to your scriptures you will find a whole lot more written about love than any other subject.  Why am I so tuned in to this discussion lately you wonder...I am not sure.  I will let you know when I do.  What I  can tell you is that every single person on the planet today, yesterday and tomorrow is endowed with the divine right to be loved.  Who are we to deny that?

In less important news...I am turning 40.  "When?"..."Someday".  (name that movie)

Arms crossed

Spent the day at Great Wolf Lodge with 8 girls to celebrate Kyra's birthday.  I learned A LOT.  First, it was reiterated to me that I know nothing...really.  Teen girls are...

Yeah.

I was struck by something.  As we walked into the water park area...well, let me set the scene for you first.  It's 102 outside and kids are everywhere.  The indoor water park seems the ideal place to go and cool off and have fun.  It was also a destination for some kind of cheerleading convention.  That added to the curiosity.  People watching takes on a new dimension when you watch adults watching teenage girls walk in.  It's disgusting.  These little girls do not look like little girls though.  Perfectly tanned, tiny bikinis, physically fit girls everywhere.  They certainly don't look old enough for these men to be ogling but they don't look as young as they actually are.  They are trying so hard to grow up.  It's painful to watch.  Something about them caught my eye at one point. Many of them were walking around with their arms folded.  That would not ordinarily seem odd but to see a row of young people walking around on a warm day in a place where they should be able to just relax and have fun was strange.  I was busy chasing down my own crew so I quickly let the thought go.  When I found a spot to set up and keep an eye on my crew I could then enjoy true people watching again.  There it was.  Arms crossed over tanned tummies.  Everywhere.  It was most definitely not cold in there.  And then I saw an older woman walking across the pool doing the same thing.  She was no longer young or tanned or fit and she walked in such a way as to beg to not be noticed.  She had her arms crossed too.  As I looked back to these groups of young people it occurred to me that they, too, were trying to hide themselves.  Hide their bodies.  These beautiful, healthy young women felt inadequate.  It was heartbreaking.  I wanted to tell them all how beautiful they were but we don't live in a society that takes well to strangers saying such things to our kids so I refrained.  I wanted to shake them and tell them to enjoy themselves.  Not to worry.  They have, for all intents and purposes, long full lives ahead of them with all manner of insecurities sure to come.  About this point I was walking over to find my youngest daughter and I realized that I was doing the exact same thing.  Crap!  I was hiding.  I was embarrassed.  I was insecure.  Now, in fairness, I need to take much better care of myself BUT I also need to be kinder to myself.  As I settled back into people watching I decided to look for those who walked proudly, without hesitation.  What was it about them that made them different?  Perfect bodies?  No.  Many were far from perfect but they looked amazing.  All sizes and shapes and ages.  Then I decided to get over myself a little and practice being THAT girl for a minute.  And guess what??? No one noticed me more or less than they had with my arms folded.  Know why?  Because no one cares!  We were all there to have fun and make memories with our loved ones and some of us were letting our own insecurities hinder that.

Now these would-be women in the bodies of little girls were interesting.  Why do they want to grow up so fast?  Why are they in such a hurry and why do we promote it?  One day you will look at them and see that the little girl is gone.  It will be many years before she realizes that she would give anything to be that young again, to slow down and enjoy those years.  Insecurity is a brutal and sneaky weapon.  It tears at each of us individually on THE level that will get to us the fastest. We try so hard to fit in that we forget ourselves.  It is the very best parts of us that we stifle in order to feel acceptance.  While it's slightly different as adults, it's just a shadow of what we endured in school and swore we would never participate in again.  Fitting in is so unbearably overrated!

Acceptance

As I expected, response to yesterday's events has been mixed.  Interestingly though, it has also proven a tiny bit divisive as well.  I can only speak from what I know, from my own experience, so it needs to be understood that I do not speak for anyone but myself.  Facebook is a funny thing in times like these.  Some make quiet comments, some make sweeping judgements. There is, in my perspective, a sense that if you say anything that might smell like controversy then you must not have enough faith. You must not be strong enough to withstand the "tempters snare". In our faith we honor something called "The Family Proclamation".  You can find it here:

Family proclamation

It is where we, in our faith, stand about the nature of families.  I believe every word of it.  I do.  I also believe that the world does not believe that they have to think as we do on just about anything, let alone marriage.  I believe that the only way to promote acceptance is to accept that not everyone believes the way you do, moreover, the way that you think they should.  Now before this turns into something bigger than intended, it should be understood that I have accepted that I am on the more liberal, a word I despise, side of Mormonism.  I absolutely love being a member of this church and being counted, even in the smallest of ways, among these good people.  Sadly, some of those good people aren't as good as we think they are but that is true of any and every population and culture.  Being in a family with one parent actively pursuing this faith and one that isn't has many challenges and it forces you to really decide what you believe.  We are part of an entertainment family as well so living on the line between the two worlds has been challenging at times.  Well, it used to be.  I no longer fear what others might think of my faith.  Conversely, I no longer fear the differences.  No matter what faith or philosophy you prescribe to it is important, in the world according to Heather, to remember that we all got here the same way and we all leave the same way.  In my faith we are all children of God, loved individually and wholly by a loving Father in Heaven.  I believe that same God loves each and every one of us no matter who we are.  With that knowledge I can know and celebrate that I do not get to or need to pass judgement on anyone.  Ever.  I don't want to be judged or liked or disliked based on my actions or beliefs any more than the next guy does.  Debates over right and wrong will never cease.  The good news is that there will always be someone else to rage those battles with great zeal and fervor.  I have to teach my children to love all, to be compassionate, to serve and to honor their lives in a way that would be pleasing to our Heavenly Father.  I believe that to be the challenge of a lifetime.  How do you teach love and acceptance in a time when we want so much to label and condemn? There is so much more to this debate and the historical implications than I know.  I get that.  That is the beauty of knowing that you don't know as much as you think you do.  That is the genius of life.  There is always something to be learned.

Big day

Needless to say today has been newsworthy.  Well, maybe it should be said.  DOMA and Prop 8 were killed.  I am in the small percentage of my faith that did not agree with any of that initiative.  I understand what it was about and what we thought we were doing.  I think a lot of people believed with all of their hearts that they were doing the "right thing".  I've struggled with the treatment of homosexuality in general, much less when it is veiled with Faith as an excuse. Now before you start spewing your shock at me...let me clarify.  We, as a nation, have not protected the "sanctity" of marriage for a very long time.  Anyone can get married.  You can hate each other and get married.  You can get married for money or power.  You can marry and divorce at will...well, most of us could.  Marriage, as defined and protected by government is more like a business transaction, so to speak.  The sanctity comes from those who say "I do". I don't pretend to understand anything about what drives a person's sexual preference. Not. A.  Clue.  I do know what love is though and if you can have that in this life and it brings you joy then be happy! Celebrate that for each other. Promote that joy.  I know that it can be hard to embrace something that you don't understand.  Historically we have tried to control that with legislation and then stood behind the flag to justify our own ignorance.  Life is too hard to have to defend yourself from your own neighbors and family.  People are awesome! Those people you shy away from because you don't understand them??? Sometimes, the ones you shy away from are the most interesting, loving, committed, loyal people you will know and that involves the shy, the nerdy, the artistic, the outrageous and anyone who lives a life that might not measure up to what you think it should be.  For me it's not about who you love...it's about how well you love.  I am sure that there will be all sorts of response on both sides of this and that is great! Choose your happiness and let's get on with letting others do the same.