Gratitude

I have simply GOT to stop and express my gratitude for a few things tonight. One is my crazy family. This past two weeks has been a whirlwind of activity and water logged kids with tan lines and wet hair. We have had more fun in two weeks than I have had in a long time. Having a large family is work, there is no doubt, but they are my favorite people who have given me even more amazing little people to love and hug and kiss and torture. Those babies are everything and restore me in ways that I can't quite explain. 

And the other is for some very special friends. I cannot imagine my life without a few incredible friends who have seen me at my worst and still believe in me. Who still cheer me on no matter where they live or how much time has past. Getting older (and busier) has meant less time making those lasting friendships so I hold on to these friends for dear life. 

I am also reminded of the energy and love and commitment shared on behalf of my children by selfless leaders and friends who are always aware of each of these children. I have seen some of these leaders stumble through days of rain in camping adventures, flat tires on road trips, physical and mental exhaustion, all for the love of teaching these children. I am in awe of their selflessness and seemingly unending charity and strong sense of humor! 

In all of that I am reminded of the grace and beauty of having a testimony of Heavenly Father's love for me. And for my children. I have strayed from that knowledge and lost sight many times in my life but I can always look back and see a fine, distinct thread that has kept me close to the faith of my childhood. Raising a family in faith gets harder every day with distractions and guilt and expectations. It isn't "cool" to be faithful. But I know the feeling I have when I sit with my family in a room with hundreds of other families doing their best to serve the Lord and grow closer to Him no matter what else may be going on in their lives. I am grateful for those examples of men and women and children who keep trying. That's all we can do really. Keep trying. 

There are so many of you I count among this insufficient list of all the people I am grateful for. Your love and kindness and example means more than I can say. Thank you for continuing to be amazing, even when you don't realize just how amazing you are.

Long time no talk...

It is interesting. It really is. I can go for months on end without feeling a need to write, to share, to remember. And then...it happens. It pops back up and begs to be said, shared, immortalized. Oh that's a big fancy word that means nothing when it comes to the musings of a tired mother of 4. Musings. Yes, that fits. I have found myself musing over things that have left me feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated and tired. Can you be all of those things at once? I submit that you can.

Too much has happened to try to go back and recount the past 8 months. School, work, family, house, puppy, weather, injured child...a lot. What I can speak to is today. Right now.

***I started that post a while back. I never went back to it. I wonder what I felt the need to muse about that day. Must have gotten lost in the shuffle. Or it has compounded.

June 16, 2015
It is summer vacation here. Kids are out of school. I am off work. Husband is not traveling. No one is quite relaxing just yet though. We have had the great pleasure of spending some amazing time with extended family this past week or so. OH...I have already forgotten! We graduated our first child from high school. That baby boy that sang "Toy Story" songs over and over has grown up. Relatively speaking. Now we move into college days and growing pains. (for us more than him, no doubt)

DISCLAIMER
I have so much to say. So much it hurts sometimes. Things that I have had in my head for some time and may not need to be heard by anyone but my own conscience so if you think you might be put off by any of that, please stop reading. Judgement is not something I take lightly, though I don't take it too seriously either. I am a scattered mess it would seem. What to do?

Therapy. Counseling. Girl time. Me time. Quiet. Prayer. Scripture study. Work out. Eat right. Read a book. Paint something. Do nothing. Write. Run away. No, not that. But it's there. Scream. Maybe just run. But I hate running.

What do you do when the thoughts crowd out reason? Where do you go? Do you acknowledge it? That would be healthy. That would be sane. I think. Do you have a corner of your mind that absorbs and allows you to carry on as if everything is ok? And the thing is...everything is ok. Or it will be. Some would argue that it's just hormonal. It's age. You are in your forty's now, changes happen. Get used to it. Do they? DO THEY? And do you get used to it? Ever?

Ok. Here is the thing. THE thing. I am stuck and it has rendered me relatively unhappy. Am I back to being depressed? I don't know. Anxiety? Age. maybe that. Midlife crisis at 41? I suppose that our life spans have changed and it could be that. A funny thing happened not too long ago and I suddenly realized that the person I have been trying to be when I grew up has already happened. I saw images of myself at 18 and I thought...I want to be her! I didn't know it then but I was amazing. Ok I remain amazing. Who am I kidding? I am; however, a more cynical, lumpier, achier (not a word but go with me) more lonely version of that girl who could have been anything. I think I want that again. The ability to be anything and do anything I want. Now, I know, of course we can always make that choice. You are never too old to start over or whatever they say. But that isn't as true as it sounds. Kids. Marriage. House. Dog. Family. Responsibilities. That has layered over the years until the notion of starting over feels more like trying to move a mountain across the continent with a wheelbarrow and a deadline.

My husband believes this is a genetic trait shared by my siblings. A need to start over. To move. To reincarnate. In any capacity. Sometimes it is as simple as rearranging a room. Or a new hair style. But I have progressed to that of a locked up junkie with no hope of scoring a painfully needed high. What can be changed when change is denied? In my world, it makes me want the change even more. I am sure that there is some kind of psycho babble that would explain that tendency in me. Sounds like therapy may be the answer.

Or maybe just some extended beach time.
And therapy.

Parenting Measuring Stick

This was not a good parenting morning.  At all.  I got angry.  I slammed a door.  I reacted poorly.  I had listened to all the excuses I could listen to and I got mad.  Was I right to get mad?  Is it acceptable to show kids just how upsetting they can be sometimes?  YES!  Was I right to be so upset?  What was the infraction of the morning?  Some of them were just too tired to get up and go to church…didn't go to sleep until 3 (playing video games) and just couldn't do it today.  Whose fault is that?  Is that a reason to let them skip church?  Again?!?  This is not the first time I have heard this.    

As some of you know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  With that comes quite a lot of expectation…especially of our youth.  Well, of all of us really, but we do focus on the youth and for very good reasons.  It's hard to grasp what they are faced with on a daily basis…I don't mean war or famine, that's different though still dealt with in some parts of the world.  I am referring to the temptations that are literally everywhere.  I could launch into a diatribe about that but I won't…for now.  Back to the morning, being a member of this church means going to church on Sundays…every Sunday.  It means that we go at an assigned time based on where we live.  Our current time is 8:30am but that will change when we hit 2015 and it will be a little bit later.  8:30 isn't my favorite time but it's doable…unless you are a teenager and you stay up until 3 in the morning and then it's tragic.

As I have worked through the frustration of the day I have realized something much bigger and it's kind of hard to express but I will try.  You see, in our home only one parent is actively engaged in any attempt at being part of church.  The other parent chooses to abstain, for many valid and personal reasons that I have come to accept. (mostly)  As in any faith, one parent involved is only half the team.  We stand together in everything else.  It's hard to grasp unless you have worked through something like this…and it isn't just religion that divides people.  It can be anything.  When you want a baby and the other one doesn't, or one wants to move for a job and you just can't even consider it…I know well that this is a universal challenge.  What our particular challenge implies is a murky gray area where we are neither too religious nor too apathetic.  We are in the middle.  Here's where the realization came for me.

I have often felt inadequate as a member of this faith based on my willing participation in the gray zone.  Much counsel has been given clarifying that there is no gray area.  Only the black and white.  Those are the talks that are hard for me.  I have sometimes prided myself on my ability to walk this gray line and keep my family together and support my husband in his own beliefs.  What I know now is that there was nothing noble about it.  My immersion into the gray area is self preservation.  The truth is that every time I find myself merging out of the gray, attempting to present definition for our family and raise the expectations for all of us I find myself quite sad…sometimes heartbroken.  See in our faith we believe that families are forever.  We believe that we have the divine responsibility and privilege of sealing our families together for time and eternity in sacred ordinances in the Temple.  We want that for everyone.  We know that not everyone agrees with this idea and that's ok…that whole free agency thing and all.  It is; however, a fundamental tenant of our faith.  Having grown up LDS I knew that my only path to real happiness was to marry a nice Mormon boy and be married in the Temple.  Well…that theory has been proven and disproven many times over.  It is sometimes difficult to maintain the faith when I will not be allowed to perform this sacred ordinance with my own husband and children.  It also means not participating in the daily rituals that come with this faith.  So, I wade in the muddy waters…I allow mediocrity because it, in some small way, diffuses that disappointment for just a little while.

I do believe in a loving Father in Heaven who knows better what to do with me than I do.  I believe that families can be together forever and that sometimes those ordinances aren't done for some time….but at some point, they will be done.  The problem is that while I do believe that, the moments of disappointment are still real.  So today I reacted poorly.  I am still reacting poorly actually.  I tried communicating with all of my children a little while ago and felt quite defeated by the end, wondering why I tried at all.

So why did I say anything about a parenting measuring stick?  Because in spite of this very personal frustration I have great kids.  I know that.  I don't measure them against anyone else or what others might expect of them.  I want them to be the very best versions of themselves, no matter what that looks like.  I heard a brave woman talk about her desire to impose her own maternal will on her children today in church and that she wished that she could have done so to prevent the loss of her oldest child nearly a year ago.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Just to tell them what to do and they do it…because we said so.  That isn't the order of things though.  Agency is the thing that allows us to fail and succeed and it is up to us to determine which way that falls, even if the results are devastating.  The beauty of the results potentially being positive is enough to make us carry on either way…gray area, muddy waters, divorce, suicide, job loss and any other manner of tragedies and disappointments notwithstanding.  We keep getting up.

In a funny way this realization makes me slightly less upset with my kids about the morning.  They have no idea what it all really means to me and that's because they have only really known the gray.  So I try to explain…and then the cycle starts all over again.

Divorce sucks

No better words for that one really.  Having been through divorce myself…twice, I might add…I know how ugly this divorce thing gets.  I have seen friends go through it.  Siblings now in the middle of it.  And life on the other side of it.  There's just no easy way to say this…it just sucks.  It gets better.  Of course it does.  People always say that sort of thing when they don't know what else to say but in this case it is true.  (unless, of course, you continue to make stupid decisions and then it still sucks)  In the people around me I am seeing multiple varieties of divorce…there's the one you don't want but have absolutely no choice but to accept, the one that you never saw coming, the one where you probably messed up big time and now you have to live with that guilt but there was more going on in the marriage than just the Mistake, the one you really want but can't quite get your head around, and the one that was coming before you ever got married in the first place.  This is, by no means, the sum total of all varieties of divorce…it's just what's in front of me at the moment.  So why does it have to be so hard?  I remember thinking that it would be easier to deal with a death than divorce.  At least then there is some closure…some way to say goodbye.  Divorce just cuts you in half with no real way to stitch yourself back up for a long time.  You have to figure out who you are all over again and face that you might not like who you are at that moment.  Marriage changes us, that is true.  But I believe that divorce may change us even more.

Here's the kicker…I don't really believe in divorce.  I know it sounds counterintuitive. (twice…)   I don't believe that you should give up on the person you committed your life to.  I don't believe that we are the sum total of our mistakes or accomplishments and that for better or worse has to include the worse…unless the "Worse" looks something like criminal misconduct and then it's a no brainer.  I also don't do mean.  Mean has no place in a family.  Mean is kind of third party in a marriage and fights for attention.  When Mean gets in the way…it can take over and the person who is mean can even believe that they are right to be mean.  Not a concept I can wrap my mind around but I have seen it too many times to ignore it.

I believe that people are who they are and that you can't expect to change them.  Change comes with age and experience.  Change comes with mistakes.  It comes with success.  It comes with love and with hate.  Change comes but not because you want it to or demand it from your significant other.  In my world at the moment I see two divorces that must happen…no way around it.  I see one that probably shouldn't…but no one asked my opinion on that one.  I see a man that I divorced many years ago that I love more than I can possibly say.  We got lucky…we paid a high price but we got lucky.  We found the relationship we could have had all along.  It's not perfect…let's not sugar coat it.  But man oh man do I adore him.

My take away for tonight is this…while divorce does suck…I HATE THAT WORD AND I KEEP USING IT…while it does bear a strong resemblance to hell itself…not all divorce has to happen.  We talk about being happy and taking care of ourselves and "falling out of love" and deserving more but the problem with all of that is that we have neglected the foundation of marriage.  Fight for the one you love every single day.  Fight until there's no more fight and then take a deep breath and fight again.  Sometimes that choice is taken from you.  Some relationships cannot be saved and we may break into a million pieces when it crumbles.  Give yourself the time to get back up but for the love of all that is good in the world…GET BACK UP!

Like I said…it does get better.

Involuntary anxiety leads to this

Let's just examine this, shall we…
March 10th.  Now 79 days since "the incident".  House is finally coming together.
It's Spring Break.  A week of sleeping in and enjoying time off.
In a quiet hotel away from the chaos of construction.
All things considered…everything is good.  Productive.  Moving in the right direction.

So why am I so darned irritated?!?!  Saw a movie today, one I do NOT recommend, and everything about it was annoying…except for a funny Bill Clinton joke.  The people who came into a nearly empty theatre and decided to sit right next to us…annoying.  The kids who came in late and sat on the other side of us and talked the ENTIRE time…annoying.  Listen, movie theaters are kind of sacred ground for me.  You have to respect the space.  Turn your phone off.  Don't talk.  Don't sip that drink until it's louder than the movie because it's actually empty but you keep trying anyway.  Put your feet down.  DON'T TALK!  It was a kids movie so I expected a certain amount of noise…it happens.  But talking in full voice to the person in your row but not right next to you is not acceptable behavior for anyone over the age of 2.  Frankly, it makes me anxious just thinking about it again.  Something might be wrong with me.

Miss Kierstin wants the Easter Bunny to know that she is ready for Easter so she has written a note and created a masterpiece of jelly bean art and expects the Easter Bunny to come to the hotel and take her cute picture and write her back.  Easter isn't for another 6 weeks.  Isn't it a little early for Easter Bunny magic?  See what I mean?  Something might be wrong with me.

Seeing pictures of friends having a good time on their break should make me smile.  And they do, until they don't anymore and I find myself complaining because I am not there.  Hearing of successful diets or work out routines…most of the time I am the one who will get up and jump for joy with you…today?  Just irritates me.  HAHAHAHA!

I know how crazy I sound right this second.  Believe me, I do.

Are these things one should keep to ones self in the event that it sounds crazy or selfish or petty?  Probably, but this is my little corner of the web and I am whining tonight…no…not whining…bellyaching…some would even say bitching…yep, that's the one.

S@#T HAPPENS!

I wasn't feeling it this year.  The warm, yummy feeling that generally accompanies the Season simply never truly settled in for me.  Don't get me wrong, there were sweet moments and I enjoyed Christmas, but there were many times that I found myself looking forward to December 26th.  I tried to figure out why this year was different for me.  Why was I so out of it?  I didn't do cards.  I didn't bake.  I didn't do gifts for friends or neighbors or most of the wonderful staff that teach my children.  I didn't even make it to church last Sunday for the traditional Christmas service.  (that was way beyond my control though...more later)  I did my Christmas shopping in the span of about 3 days just before Christmas...some even happened ON Christmas Eve itself.  I am not an organized person but this is a time of year that I can generally be found with lists and schedules and excited plans for savoring the Season.  My favorite moments of this years Holiday festivities were far more simple...could have missed them if I had been worried about the bigger things I did not accomplish.

Finding balance got slightly more difficult this year as I am now working a full time job, which I love.  (which is a good thing because the pay is not great)  What I get in lieu of a great paycheck; however, is beyond price.  The unconditional love from these incredible spirits is priceless.  The best hugs ever are given in that special needs classroom.  The smiles of recognition from a boy who is stuck inside his own little head are immeasurable.  Those kids have humbled me in many ways.  The teachers that I work with, in and out of this class, have shown me what it means to love and sacrifice for other people's children, whether the parents realize the sacrifice or not.  I have always believed that we each have certain callings in our lives but it never occurred to me that we might have more than one at different times in our lifetimes.  I have found a new part of myself in this particular calling/ job.  Remembering what it means to love unconditionally is their gift to me.

Holidays rarely happen without a solid dose of drama.  The drama for us came on a Sunday morning when the s@#t quite literally hit the fan...well, it hit more than fans over here.  It started pouring in around 8:30 that morning and gave us quite the holiday magic for nearly six hours.  Needless to say...it was an adventure.  We now have repairs and clean-up to do that we were not planning on.  We are living for the silver lining though...new floors, new paint, new cabinets, new hall bathroom.  I am sure that there are other new things that we have not yet realized are coming given the extent of the damage.  I got to see a side of my boys that I had not seen before.  They got in that mess and worked tirelessly beside their father for hours and hours without complaint.  They were awesome.  I am grateful for their ability to work hard.   When the "dust" had settled and we looked around at the mess all Larry and I could do was hug each other and see that it could have been worse.  We now just laugh about it...most of the time.  There are moments that I find myself getting kind of grumpy about it...several moments actually.  (2 days before Christmas? REALLY?)  And then we just move on.  I am sure that I will get grumpy several more times before it's over with but for now I will spend more time on houzz.com searching for floor and paint ideas.

So it's nearly 2014.  Oh I can't even get there yet.  I will just remain in my slightly delirious state for the moment.  You just never know what might come up next in our house...but hey, as the saying goes...shit happens. (it really, really does.)

Parenting and Social Media and my big mouth

There is a sound my dad makes that is loaded with all sorts of meaning...the power of which is that there is no real way of knowing quite what it means.  It is a sound he has made as long as I remember.  It's hilarious to me that we all know the sound and now I use it with my kids too.  It's a "hmm mph" sort of sound.  If he says it with raised eyebrows it generally means he thinks you might be a little crazy.  If he says it and doesn't look at you...odds are you better apologize pretty quick.  Most of the time it's said with a little chuckle and we all laugh.  I got that sound last night after seeing my oldest son's car.  And, for the record, it was deserved.  I had made it crystal clear that we would not buy him a car...no way, no how.  Then I went even farther and said we would absolutely not buy him a used bmw.  Even worse than that? I posted it to Facebook.  Decision making is hard sometimes but it is self-inflicted silliness when one posts parenting/ religious/ marriage/ money advice to any form of social media and then said person does exactly what she said she would never do.  Here's the kicker...I was wrong.

I said it.

I was wrong about the car.  I do think that accountability must be maintained.  I do think that they have to work for what they have...generally speaking.  I also think that within a short period of time these young people will be adults navigating life decisions that will sometimes be devastating...and right now, right this second in their lives...they are home and protected.  Don't get me wrong.  That protection does not always come in the form of a car for your 17th birthday.  It comes in much smaller ways for me.  Waking them up in the morning.  Making them breakfast.  Sending them off to school with a lunch in hand and making sure they have everything they need.  Some call that coddling.  Hand holding.  And maybe it is.  Guess what...I love every second of it.  The day will soon come that that waking them up for school will be a distant memory and I  will miss it.

So, how did this car come to be a fixture on our driveway?  We gave him money for his birthday.  We told him he could use it for a car, if that's what he wanted to do.  We didn't give him enough money to buy a car with less than 100,000 miles on it, no matter what the brand.  It was just enough to allow him to look for a car knowing that if he found the right deal he would have the cash to jump on it.  How was I to know that that deal would show up within 24 hours of giving him the money?  He found it.  A BMW, no less.  It's cute.  It's fun to drive.  I hate admitting this but I actually like the car. I like the car for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which because of the lesson it is teaching me.

We are seeing a side of him that we have not seen in a while.  He is taking care of it.  He is researching how to keep this car in shape.  He is getting a job.  Today, actually.  He is beaming about this car.  It is something that means a lot to him.  More than we thought.  I was wrong to think that my moral high ground was sufficient enough to teach him responsibility.  While that ground is often all I need in parenting, it can be limiting too.  I am not suggesting that every child would benefit from being given a car.  I am sure they think they would.  I have other children who won't be nearly as invested or interested in any kind of car.  Their interests and commitments are elsewhere.  As I thought about all of the reasons not to get him a car and the reasons we wanted to get him a car...well, frankly, I realized that the pros outweighed the cons.  And the truth is...

I wish that we had done it sooner.

So, to all who read my longwinded Facebook posts about the importance of teaching your kids responsibility and asking why in the world so many of our parents in this area are buying their kids cars...I stand on that...in concept.  I have learned; however, that I am not parenting anyone else's kids.  I stand on teaching responsibility.  I stand on the fact that some of these kids should absolutely not have cars given to them, or phones or computers or expensive clothes.  Truth is...it's none of my business.  Shame on me for having any kind of judgement about how others choose to parent.  

So there it is...biggest lesson...don't let your big mouth get away from you on social media.  Otherwise you might be spending some time getting that egg off your face.