I wasn't feeling it this year. The warm, yummy feeling that generally accompanies the Season simply never truly settled in for me. Don't get me wrong, there were sweet moments and I enjoyed Christmas, but there were many times that I found myself looking forward to December 26th. I tried to figure out why this year was different for me. Why was I so out of it? I didn't do cards. I didn't bake. I didn't do gifts for friends or neighbors or most of the wonderful staff that teach my children. I didn't even make it to church last Sunday for the traditional Christmas service. (that was way beyond my control though...more later) I did my Christmas shopping in the span of about 3 days just before Christmas...some even happened ON Christmas Eve itself. I am not an organized person but this is a time of year that I can generally be found with lists and schedules and excited plans for savoring the Season. My favorite moments of this years Holiday festivities were far more simple...could have missed them if I had been worried about the bigger things I did not accomplish.
Finding balance got slightly more difficult this year as I am now working a full time job, which I love. (which is a good thing because the pay is not great) What I get in lieu of a great paycheck; however, is beyond price. The unconditional love from these incredible spirits is priceless. The best hugs ever are given in that special needs classroom. The smiles of recognition from a boy who is stuck inside his own little head are immeasurable. Those kids have humbled me in many ways. The teachers that I work with, in and out of this class, have shown me what it means to love and sacrifice for other people's children, whether the parents realize the sacrifice or not. I have always believed that we each have certain callings in our lives but it never occurred to me that we might have more than one at different times in our lifetimes. I have found a new part of myself in this particular calling/ job. Remembering what it means to love unconditionally is their gift to me.
Holidays rarely happen without a solid dose of drama. The drama for us came on a Sunday morning when the s@#t quite literally hit the fan...well, it hit more than fans over here. It started pouring in around 8:30 that morning and gave us quite the holiday magic for nearly six hours. Needless to say...it was an adventure. We now have repairs and clean-up to do that we were not planning on. We are living for the silver lining though...new floors, new paint, new cabinets, new hall bathroom. I am sure that there are other new things that we have not yet realized are coming given the extent of the damage. I got to see a side of my boys that I had not seen before. They got in that mess and worked tirelessly beside their father for hours and hours without complaint. They were awesome. I am grateful for their ability to work hard. When the "dust" had settled and we looked around at the mess all Larry and I could do was hug each other and see that it could have been worse. We now just laugh about it...most of the time. There are moments that I find myself getting kind of grumpy about it...several moments actually. (2 days before Christmas? REALLY?) And then we just move on. I am sure that I will get grumpy several more times before it's over with but for now I will spend more time on houzz.com searching for floor and paint ideas.
So it's nearly 2014. Oh I can't even get there yet. I will just remain in my slightly delirious state for the moment. You just never know what might come up next in our house...but hey, as the saying goes...shit happens. (it really, really does.)
Friday, December 27, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Parenting and Social Media and my big mouth
There is a sound my dad makes that is loaded with all sorts of meaning...the power of which is that there is no real way of knowing quite what it means. It is a sound he has made as long as I remember. It's hilarious to me that we all know the sound and now I use it with my kids too. It's a "hmm mph" sort of sound. If he says it with raised eyebrows it generally means he thinks you might be a little crazy. If he says it and doesn't look at you...odds are you better apologize pretty quick. Most of the time it's said with a little chuckle and we all laugh. I got that sound last night after seeing my oldest son's car. And, for the record, it was deserved. I had made it crystal clear that we would not buy him a car...no way, no how. Then I went even farther and said we would absolutely not buy him a used bmw. Even worse than that? I posted it to Facebook. Decision making is hard sometimes but it is self-inflicted silliness when one posts parenting/ religious/ marriage/ money advice to any form of social media and then said person does exactly what she said she would never do. Here's the kicker...I was wrong.
I said it.
I was wrong about the car. I do think that accountability must be maintained. I do think that they have to work for what they have...generally speaking. I also think that within a short period of time these young people will be adults navigating life decisions that will sometimes be devastating...and right now, right this second in their lives...they are home and protected. Don't get me wrong. That protection does not always come in the form of a car for your 17th birthday. It comes in much smaller ways for me. Waking them up in the morning. Making them breakfast. Sending them off to school with a lunch in hand and making sure they have everything they need. Some call that coddling. Hand holding. And maybe it is. Guess what...I love every second of it. The day will soon come that that waking them up for school will be a distant memory and I will miss it.
So, how did this car come to be a fixture on our driveway? We gave him money for his birthday. We told him he could use it for a car, if that's what he wanted to do. We didn't give him enough money to buy a car with less than 100,000 miles on it, no matter what the brand. It was just enough to allow him to look for a car knowing that if he found the right deal he would have the cash to jump on it. How was I to know that that deal would show up within 24 hours of giving him the money? He found it. A BMW, no less. It's cute. It's fun to drive. I hate admitting this but I actually like the car. I like the car for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which because of the lesson it is teaching me.
We are seeing a side of him that we have not seen in a while. He is taking care of it. He is researching how to keep this car in shape. He is getting a job. Today, actually. He is beaming about this car. It is something that means a lot to him. More than we thought. I was wrong to think that my moral high ground was sufficient enough to teach him responsibility. While that ground is often all I need in parenting, it can be limiting too. I am not suggesting that every child would benefit from being given a car. I am sure they think they would. I have other children who won't be nearly as invested or interested in any kind of car. Their interests and commitments are elsewhere. As I thought about all of the reasons not to get him a car and the reasons we wanted to get him a car...well, frankly, I realized that the pros outweighed the cons. And the truth is...
I wish that we had done it sooner.
So, to all who read my longwinded Facebook posts about the importance of teaching your kids responsibility and asking why in the world so many of our parents in this area are buying their kids cars...I stand on that...in concept. I have learned; however, that I am not parenting anyone else's kids. I stand on teaching responsibility. I stand on the fact that some of these kids should absolutely not have cars given to them, or phones or computers or expensive clothes. Truth is...it's none of my business. Shame on me for having any kind of judgement about how others choose to parent.
So there it is...biggest lesson...don't let your big mouth get away from you on social media. Otherwise you might be spending some time getting that egg off your face.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
A love letter
To my home...
Ten years agomy our world changed. My fractured little family ceased to exist as I knew it. Divorce is a wound that you think will eventually heal but, like most scars, you can still feel the echo of the pain many years later. As divorces go, ours was amicable. We supported each other, to the best of our abilities, and vowed to remain friends. Many things would test that friendship. Many. The months that followed are something of a blur for me now but there was a great deal of rebuilding to be done. I had allowed myself to get so lost that I didn't know where to start. More loss would eventually bring us home, to Texas, to live with my parents. After eleven years of living away from my family, coming home was as close to a sanctuary as anything could be. My children remember those early days well. It was exciting. Trial and error being what it is, more tests would come. College (again). Another marriage. A pregnancy. Another divorce while just six weeks pregnant. New heartache. New life. New love. A renewed love. And a house. This house. Larry and I remarried here in the family room of this house that we live in now, that we are about to say good-bye to. In the time that we have been here we have built a life together that we never knew we could have before. That friendship that had been so tested grew into a great, great love. These walls have comforted and amused and protected and sanctified our family in ways that we may not yet realize.
As I walk through each room I see so many moments. Overflowing with memories and laughter. Kids everywhere. Family dinners. Christmas. Thanksgiving with my entire family spread across the kitchen, dining area and family room. Birthday parties with magicians and princesses. Sick children cuddled up in our room. Lots of firsts...bicycles, baseball, lost teeth, wins and losses, birthdays, holidays, and so many nothing days that meant more than all of the holidays combined. It was in those nothing days that our family thrived.
There were trying times as well, of course, but being home always made those times better. We are taught a lot about making our homes sanctuaries...protection from outside influence...the place you want to be. Without any real thought this house has become that. Our children want to be here. Their friends want to be here. Family members want to be here. It is a home that, in my opinion, is so filled with love that you can feel it when you are here. I know it's not the walls or the roof or the structure that have created that. It's the people that have filled this home with memories. I also know that it is a feeling that will come in our new home. But for this moment, as we pack up boxes and take down pictures and host one last holiday, I want to say thank you. Thank you to a home that has provided love and stability. I will forever be grateful for all the life that has been lived here and for the family that we are because of it.
A new young family will move in here and will, I hope, find the same love that we have. I see their children playing and laughing, new memories, holidays and their own family gatherings. May this home be for you what it has been for us.
Ten years ago
As I walk through each room I see so many moments. Overflowing with memories and laughter. Kids everywhere. Family dinners. Christmas. Thanksgiving with my entire family spread across the kitchen, dining area and family room. Birthday parties with magicians and princesses. Sick children cuddled up in our room. Lots of firsts...bicycles, baseball, lost teeth, wins and losses, birthdays, holidays, and so many nothing days that meant more than all of the holidays combined. It was in those nothing days that our family thrived.
There were trying times as well, of course, but being home always made those times better. We are taught a lot about making our homes sanctuaries...protection from outside influence...the place you want to be. Without any real thought this house has become that. Our children want to be here. Their friends want to be here. Family members want to be here. It is a home that, in my opinion, is so filled with love that you can feel it when you are here. I know it's not the walls or the roof or the structure that have created that. It's the people that have filled this home with memories. I also know that it is a feeling that will come in our new home. But for this moment, as we pack up boxes and take down pictures and host one last holiday, I want to say thank you. Thank you to a home that has provided love and stability. I will forever be grateful for all the life that has been lived here and for the family that we are because of it.
A new young family will move in here and will, I hope, find the same love that we have. I see their children playing and laughing, new memories, holidays and their own family gatherings. May this home be for you what it has been for us.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Paula Deen and Russian law
I grew up in the deep South. (generally speaking...we moved a lot) I am not ignorant to the racism that existed when I was a child and the racism that exists to this day. I am sure that there is a whole lot more to this story than we are getting but all I can say is "Honey HUSH!" What in the world could she have said that would warrant all of this? Even the publisher? You'd think she fried small children or something. Racism is and has always been a plague of ignorance. We do what we know and was done before us. I never considered myself a racist but I do remember a rather embarrassing moment at a dance a hundred years ago when a wonderful young black man asked me to dance. I said yes...and then I didn't know what to do with myself. I was nervous. I ashamed to admit that but I was. It was something I knew nothing about. Racism in the deep South is categorically different than anywhere else in the country. Family feuds and ancestral agendas have fueled ongoing racism and will likely never end. Unless we can change the dialogue. I don't know how nor do I pretend to but why are we skewering Paula Deen?
Meanwhile in another part of the world, leaders have decided to make being gay illegal.
Russia passes anti gay legislation
I know that I have had a lot to say on this subject as of late and all I can say is that it has really struck an emotional chord with me. Like I said...I have no idea whatsoever what determines a person's sexual preference. I can't begin to debate the science or the religion of it. I can read things like THIS
and understand that mother's perspective. I even understand how she got to the place she was in, believing that she was doing what God would want her to do. I recently watched a documentary about Chely Wright that had an impact on me. This girl knew who she was. She kept it hidden and the thing she said that got me was that she hadn't come out for herself...she came out "for the 14 year old boy sitting on the edge of his bed with a pistol in his mouth". Then I had to decide how I would feel if homosexuality might be addressed at school in a way that allowed kids to feel the freedom to be themselves and not hide. Would I want my kids taught that it is totally normal to have feelings for people of the same sex? My instinct is to say that I would not, that I would fear for the life that child would be signing himself up for. I would be afraid of what others would do to him or her that would tear them down. We are still killing each other over this same debate in 2013 with hate crimes still rampant. Hate. What is the opposite of hate? Well, clearly it's love and if we walk the religious path then we can say that God is love too which can only mean that God loves us no matter what...and expects us to do the same. Like the deal with Ms Paula Deen, I am confident that there is more to the story than I will ever know. I hope that I can look at each of my children, and farther than that to their friends...and know that I would not flinch. I don't need to understand all to get that my job is simply to love...unconditionally and without fear. There was a time when I was too afraid of what people thought to allow myself that luxury. In a time when we have children without families, families without homes, bellies without food, countries without freedom, I cannot understand why we still want to promote and sanctify hate. If you don't want to understand, ok...but admit that you don't and move on. If you think that your family will never be touched by the epidemic of hate that goes along with homosexuality then you are incredibly naive. I know what I believe God says about families and about being gay but if you look to your scriptures you will find a whole lot more written about love than any other subject. Why am I so tuned in to this discussion lately you wonder...I am not sure. I will let you know when I do. What I can tell you is that every single person on the planet today, yesterday and tomorrow is endowed with the divine right to be loved. Who are we to deny that?
In less important news...I am turning 40. "When?"..."Someday". (name that movie)
Meanwhile in another part of the world, leaders have decided to make being gay illegal.
Russia passes anti gay legislation
I know that I have had a lot to say on this subject as of late and all I can say is that it has really struck an emotional chord with me. Like I said...I have no idea whatsoever what determines a person's sexual preference. I can't begin to debate the science or the religion of it. I can read things like THIS
and understand that mother's perspective. I even understand how she got to the place she was in, believing that she was doing what God would want her to do. I recently watched a documentary about Chely Wright that had an impact on me. This girl knew who she was. She kept it hidden and the thing she said that got me was that she hadn't come out for herself...she came out "for the 14 year old boy sitting on the edge of his bed with a pistol in his mouth". Then I had to decide how I would feel if homosexuality might be addressed at school in a way that allowed kids to feel the freedom to be themselves and not hide. Would I want my kids taught that it is totally normal to have feelings for people of the same sex? My instinct is to say that I would not, that I would fear for the life that child would be signing himself up for. I would be afraid of what others would do to him or her that would tear them down. We are still killing each other over this same debate in 2013 with hate crimes still rampant. Hate. What is the opposite of hate? Well, clearly it's love and if we walk the religious path then we can say that God is love too which can only mean that God loves us no matter what...and expects us to do the same. Like the deal with Ms Paula Deen, I am confident that there is more to the story than I will ever know. I hope that I can look at each of my children, and farther than that to their friends...and know that I would not flinch. I don't need to understand all to get that my job is simply to love...unconditionally and without fear. There was a time when I was too afraid of what people thought to allow myself that luxury. In a time when we have children without families, families without homes, bellies without food, countries without freedom, I cannot understand why we still want to promote and sanctify hate. If you don't want to understand, ok...but admit that you don't and move on. If you think that your family will never be touched by the epidemic of hate that goes along with homosexuality then you are incredibly naive. I know what I believe God says about families and about being gay but if you look to your scriptures you will find a whole lot more written about love than any other subject. Why am I so tuned in to this discussion lately you wonder...I am not sure. I will let you know when I do. What I can tell you is that every single person on the planet today, yesterday and tomorrow is endowed with the divine right to be loved. Who are we to deny that?
In less important news...I am turning 40. "When?"..."Someday". (name that movie)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Arms crossed
Spent the day at Great Wolf Lodge with 8 girls to celebrate Kyra's birthday. I learned A LOT. First, it was reiterated to me that I know nothing...really. Teen girls are...
Yeah.
I was struck by something. As we walked into the water park area...well, let me set the scene for you first. It's 102 outside and kids are everywhere. The indoor water park seems the ideal place to go and cool off and have fun. It was also a destination for some kind of cheerleading convention. That added to the curiosity. People watching takes on a new dimension when you watch adults watching teenage girls walk in. It's disgusting. These little girls do not look like little girls though. Perfectly tanned, tiny bikinis, physically fit girls everywhere. They certainly don't look old enough for these men to be ogling but they don't look as young as they actually are. They are trying so hard to grow up. It's painful to watch. Something about them caught my eye at one point. Many of them were walking around with their arms folded. That would not ordinarily seem odd but to see a row of young people walking around on a warm day in a place where they should be able to just relax and have fun was strange. I was busy chasing down my own crew so I quickly let the thought go. When I found a spot to set up and keep an eye on my crew I could then enjoy true people watching again. There it was. Arms crossed over tanned tummies. Everywhere. It was most definitely not cold in there. And then I saw an older woman walking across the pool doing the same thing. She was no longer young or tanned or fit and she walked in such a way as to beg to not be noticed. She had her arms crossed too. As I looked back to these groups of young people it occurred to me that they, too, were trying to hide themselves. Hide their bodies. These beautiful, healthy young women felt inadequate. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to tell them all how beautiful they were but we don't live in a society that takes well to strangers saying such things to our kids so I refrained. I wanted to shake them and tell them to enjoy themselves. Not to worry. They have, for all intents and purposes, long full lives ahead of them with all manner of insecurities sure to come. About this point I was walking over to find my youngest daughter and I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. Crap! I was hiding. I was embarrassed. I was insecure. Now, in fairness, I need to take much better care of myself BUT I also need to be kinder to myself. As I settled back into people watching I decided to look for those who walked proudly, without hesitation. What was it about them that made them different? Perfect bodies? No. Many were far from perfect but they looked amazing. All sizes and shapes and ages. Then I decided to get over myself a little and practice being THAT girl for a minute. And guess what??? No one noticed me more or less than they had with my arms folded. Know why? Because no one cares! We were all there to have fun and make memories with our loved ones and some of us were letting our own insecurities hinder that.
Now these would-be women in the bodies of little girls were interesting. Why do they want to grow up so fast? Why are they in such a hurry and why do we promote it? One day you will look at them and see that the little girl is gone. It will be many years before she realizes that she would give anything to be that young again, to slow down and enjoy those years. Insecurity is a brutal and sneaky weapon. It tears at each of us individually on THE level that will get to us the fastest. We try so hard to fit in that we forget ourselves. It is the very best parts of us that we stifle in order to feel acceptance. While it's slightly different as adults, it's just a shadow of what we endured in school and swore we would never participate in again. Fitting in is so unbearably overrated!
Yeah.
I was struck by something. As we walked into the water park area...well, let me set the scene for you first. It's 102 outside and kids are everywhere. The indoor water park seems the ideal place to go and cool off and have fun. It was also a destination for some kind of cheerleading convention. That added to the curiosity. People watching takes on a new dimension when you watch adults watching teenage girls walk in. It's disgusting. These little girls do not look like little girls though. Perfectly tanned, tiny bikinis, physically fit girls everywhere. They certainly don't look old enough for these men to be ogling but they don't look as young as they actually are. They are trying so hard to grow up. It's painful to watch. Something about them caught my eye at one point. Many of them were walking around with their arms folded. That would not ordinarily seem odd but to see a row of young people walking around on a warm day in a place where they should be able to just relax and have fun was strange. I was busy chasing down my own crew so I quickly let the thought go. When I found a spot to set up and keep an eye on my crew I could then enjoy true people watching again. There it was. Arms crossed over tanned tummies. Everywhere. It was most definitely not cold in there. And then I saw an older woman walking across the pool doing the same thing. She was no longer young or tanned or fit and she walked in such a way as to beg to not be noticed. She had her arms crossed too. As I looked back to these groups of young people it occurred to me that they, too, were trying to hide themselves. Hide their bodies. These beautiful, healthy young women felt inadequate. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to tell them all how beautiful they were but we don't live in a society that takes well to strangers saying such things to our kids so I refrained. I wanted to shake them and tell them to enjoy themselves. Not to worry. They have, for all intents and purposes, long full lives ahead of them with all manner of insecurities sure to come. About this point I was walking over to find my youngest daughter and I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. Crap! I was hiding. I was embarrassed. I was insecure. Now, in fairness, I need to take much better care of myself BUT I also need to be kinder to myself. As I settled back into people watching I decided to look for those who walked proudly, without hesitation. What was it about them that made them different? Perfect bodies? No. Many were far from perfect but they looked amazing. All sizes and shapes and ages. Then I decided to get over myself a little and practice being THAT girl for a minute. And guess what??? No one noticed me more or less than they had with my arms folded. Know why? Because no one cares! We were all there to have fun and make memories with our loved ones and some of us were letting our own insecurities hinder that.
Now these would-be women in the bodies of little girls were interesting. Why do they want to grow up so fast? Why are they in such a hurry and why do we promote it? One day you will look at them and see that the little girl is gone. It will be many years before she realizes that she would give anything to be that young again, to slow down and enjoy those years. Insecurity is a brutal and sneaky weapon. It tears at each of us individually on THE level that will get to us the fastest. We try so hard to fit in that we forget ourselves. It is the very best parts of us that we stifle in order to feel acceptance. While it's slightly different as adults, it's just a shadow of what we endured in school and swore we would never participate in again. Fitting in is so unbearably overrated!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Acceptance
As I expected, response to yesterday's events has been mixed. Interestingly though, it has also proven a tiny bit divisive as well. I can only speak from what I know, from my own experience, so it needs to be understood that I do not speak for anyone but myself. Facebook is a funny thing in times like these. Some make quiet comments, some make sweeping judgements. There is, in my perspective, a sense that if you say anything that might smell like controversy then you must not have enough faith. You must not be strong enough to withstand the "tempters snare". In our faith we honor something called "The Family Proclamation". You can find it here:
Family proclamation
It is where we, in our faith, stand about the nature of families. I believe every word of it. I do. I also believe that the world does not believe that they have to think as we do on just about anything, let alone marriage. I believe that the only way to promote acceptance is to accept that not everyone believes the way you do, moreover, the way that you think they should. Now before this turns into something bigger than intended, it should be understood that I have accepted that I am on the more liberal, a word I despise, side of Mormonism. I absolutely love being a member of this church and being counted, even in the smallest of ways, among these good people. Sadly, some of those good people aren't as good as we think they are but that is true of any and every population and culture. Being in a family with one parent actively pursuing this faith and one that isn't has many challenges and it forces you to really decide what you believe. We are part of an entertainment family as well so living on the line between the two worlds has been challenging at times. Well, it used to be. I no longer fear what others might think of my faith. Conversely, I no longer fear the differences. No matter what faith or philosophy you prescribe to it is important, in the world according to Heather, to remember that we all got here the same way and we all leave the same way. In my faith we are all children of God, loved individually and wholly by a loving Father in Heaven. I believe that same God loves each and every one of us no matter who we are. With that knowledge I can know and celebrate that I do not get to or need to pass judgement on anyone. Ever. I don't want to be judged or liked or disliked based on my actions or beliefs any more than the next guy does. Debates over right and wrong will never cease. The good news is that there will always be someone else to rage those battles with great zeal and fervor. I have to teach my children to love all, to be compassionate, to serve and to honor their lives in a way that would be pleasing to our Heavenly Father. I believe that to be the challenge of a lifetime. How do you teach love and acceptance in a time when we want so much to label and condemn? There is so much more to this debate and the historical implications than I know. I get that. That is the beauty of knowing that you don't know as much as you think you do. That is the genius of life. There is always something to be learned.
Family proclamation
It is where we, in our faith, stand about the nature of families. I believe every word of it. I do. I also believe that the world does not believe that they have to think as we do on just about anything, let alone marriage. I believe that the only way to promote acceptance is to accept that not everyone believes the way you do, moreover, the way that you think they should. Now before this turns into something bigger than intended, it should be understood that I have accepted that I am on the more liberal, a word I despise, side of Mormonism. I absolutely love being a member of this church and being counted, even in the smallest of ways, among these good people. Sadly, some of those good people aren't as good as we think they are but that is true of any and every population and culture. Being in a family with one parent actively pursuing this faith and one that isn't has many challenges and it forces you to really decide what you believe. We are part of an entertainment family as well so living on the line between the two worlds has been challenging at times. Well, it used to be. I no longer fear what others might think of my faith. Conversely, I no longer fear the differences. No matter what faith or philosophy you prescribe to it is important, in the world according to Heather, to remember that we all got here the same way and we all leave the same way. In my faith we are all children of God, loved individually and wholly by a loving Father in Heaven. I believe that same God loves each and every one of us no matter who we are. With that knowledge I can know and celebrate that I do not get to or need to pass judgement on anyone. Ever. I don't want to be judged or liked or disliked based on my actions or beliefs any more than the next guy does. Debates over right and wrong will never cease. The good news is that there will always be someone else to rage those battles with great zeal and fervor. I have to teach my children to love all, to be compassionate, to serve and to honor their lives in a way that would be pleasing to our Heavenly Father. I believe that to be the challenge of a lifetime. How do you teach love and acceptance in a time when we want so much to label and condemn? There is so much more to this debate and the historical implications than I know. I get that. That is the beauty of knowing that you don't know as much as you think you do. That is the genius of life. There is always something to be learned.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Big day
Needless to say today has been newsworthy. Well, maybe it should be said. DOMA and Prop 8 were killed. I am in the small percentage of my faith that did not agree with any of that initiative. I understand what it was about and what we thought we were doing. I think a lot of people believed with all of their hearts that they were doing the "right thing". I've struggled with the treatment of homosexuality in general, much less when it is veiled with Faith as an excuse. Now before you start spewing your shock at me...let me clarify. We, as a nation, have not protected the "sanctity" of marriage for a very long time. Anyone can get married. You can hate each other and get married. You can get married for money or power. You can marry and divorce at will...well, most of us could. Marriage, as defined and protected by government is more like a business transaction, so to speak. The sanctity comes from those who say "I do". I don't pretend to understand anything about what drives a person's sexual preference. Not. A. Clue. I do know what love is though and if you can have that in this life and it brings you joy then be happy! Celebrate that for each other. Promote that joy. I know that it can be hard to embrace something that you don't understand. Historically we have tried to control that with legislation and then stood behind the flag to justify our own ignorance. Life is too hard to have to defend yourself from your own neighbors and family. People are awesome! Those people you shy away from because you don't understand them??? Sometimes, the ones you shy away from are the most interesting, loving, committed, loyal people you will know and that involves the shy, the nerdy, the artistic, the outrageous and anyone who lives a life that might not measure up to what you think it should be. For me it's not about who you love...it's about how well you love. I am sure that there will be all sorts of response on both sides of this and that is great! Choose your happiness and let's get on with letting others do the same.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Insane in the membrane...
Driving Larry to the airport this morning, way too early for this girl, we are listening to the radio...he has a love for Howard Stern that I have never understood...and Howard starts talking about that song. "Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain" It is 20 years old. 20! Larry asks me where I was in 1993 and I reminded him that I had just started talking to him. I was at BYU, in such a hurry to get my life started that I failed to see that I was already living it. I turn 40 in August which means, mathematicians, that I have now been exposed to Mr. Ganson for half of my life. Of course we could probably play that game with any number of songs and bring back memories of things good and bad. Memory lane is fickle though. I remember and forget on a cyclical basis. Often, I remember the things I wish I could forget and ache to remember the things that have faded with time. Then I think about those who have lived into their 90's or even over 100 and I am amazed at how much life they have lived and wonder how much of it they would do over, or repeat, or skip altogether. In this 20 years since that awful song came out I have had quite a ride. 4 babies. 2 marriages...ok, 3 but that third one was to the first one. (good story if you haven't already heard it.) Lived in 5 states. Changed roughly 1600 diapers (of my own children), an average of 15 ER or Urgent Care visits, countless temper tantrums, scraped knees, wounded egos and hurt feelings. I've been thin and heavy, healthy and sick, tired...oh wait, I am always tired. Kierstin pointed that out yesterday. Laughter and tears, arguments and absolute joy. We are in a funny stage in our lives right now. Watching little ones become adults and imagining what the next 20 years will look like. It's a little like seeing the moon and the sun at the same time this morning, both hanging proudly though one is surely on its way out.
Just came across this little gem:
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Just came across this little gem:
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Choice and accountability
"Fewer and fewer parents ask their children to do chores around the house because they think they are already overwhelmed by social and academic pressures. But children devoid of responsibilities risk never learning that every individual can be of service and that life has meaning beyond their own happiness." H. David Burton
How did we all have time for chores and homework and church commitments and extracurriculars and play when we were kids? As I start looking at scheduling for a new school year, yes this is early for me, I struggle to strike a balance between schedules and childhood. I want them to imagine. Play. Grow. Relax. Notice. Empathize. Work. Laugh. Read. Mess up. Fix it. Build lasting relationships at home and with friends. And somewhere in all of that I want them to do well in school and find something they love to do. I came across this cute quote from one of my favorite ladies:
Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.
So...with that in mind...I officially declare Summer 2013 the Summer of Simple. Ice cream, watermelon, swimming, reading, museums, movies, popcorn, rest and lots of play. Of course we will make a big move in the middle of that but it is my goal to have this be an adventure for each of our children in one way or another. Of course teaching them an appreciation of hard work will somehow sneak its way in there too. (that stresses me out just typing it)
For now...sleep is calling. Find something simple to do that will bring you great joy and DO IT...don't pin it or facebook it or vine it or instagram it or even myspace, if you still have that...actually make it happen. I know I aim to.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Real estate...is...stressful
What's really funny about that is that I didn't even put my house on the market. In my world, I am picking paint colors, waiting for appraisals to come back and, for some reason, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This round of home selling/ buying has not been short on drama, that's for sure. This all started with someone asking me if I was interested in their home. They came to me. Remember that statement. In fairness, I had reached out to them over a year ago when we thought we might sell because I loved their back yard. I had long since let that go though. We had solidly settled in to our little corner of suburbia and had no thought of looking at other houses. None. Sure, I have a compulsive addiction to looking at homes for sale online, but I knew that we were home. Or I thought I did. Delicately, I mentioned this concept to the husband and showed him some pictures, fully prepared to say no to all of the above. He was intrigued. Intrigued enough to go see it. Yep. Shocked me too. Cut to the walk through of said house and I am still thinking...he is never gonna go for this...needs too much work. And again...I am shocked as he says he wants to try. If you have not followed the real estate drama in our world you might not get the full weight of this. Trust me...it's huge.
Several days pass and several minor miracles occur that seem to be pointing us with laser precision to buying this home. We decide to get our home ready to sell. We mention it to a few people. We are about to list it. I get a phone call from a very sweet lady who is interested in looking at our house. (she heard about it from a very good friend who we adore) I hesitate because I am still thinking that there is NO way that this is all happening. And yet, the excitement continues and we show this family our home. Twice. We decide to move forward on selling our home and buying this other. We knew that it needed work but, WOW, we were not prepared for the lengthy inspection report and numerous concerns that seemed to trickle in like a leaky faucet that NO ONE could figure out how to stop. The crazy kids we are though...we were undaunted. It felt destined. (silly me) We make an offer. We accept an offer on our house. We move forward thinking that it was all just meant to be. And then...it wasn't. Remember that bit about how they came to us? Long story short...negotiations failed on the house we did not seek out. We had hit a place that we simply could not responsibly continue. The drama hit its high point that day. We had sold our beloved home. Sold. Under contract. Did you know that as a buyer you can generally get out of a contract for a myriad of reasons? Did you also know that as a seller you cannot? Well...you can't. Panic set in and we were not sure what would happen next.
As if hand picked for us a little whisper of a possibility came across my screen in my frantic search for any possible solution. First day on market. One owner. Pool. No pictures online. Leap. of. faith. We set up a showing for that afternoon. Walking into the back yard of this property was, well...let's put it this way...a thousand pounds of worry melted away just by opening that gate. Another long story short...we liked it. We made an offer. They said yes. No counter offer. Just accepted. Yes...choirs of angels are singing...minor issues have continued as is usually the case in big purchases like this. When I am asked about it I say something to the effect of "I'll believe it when the contracts are signed and executed" because I know well that anything could happen. It usually does.
The upside...we feel better. This home is no more or less than our family needs...in many ways it seems made for us. It needs a few of our touches but all in all this family has loved this home just as we have loved ours. You can see that in all that they have done. So wildly grateful for a good friend and realtor walking/ carrying us through this process. She has put up with our real estate drama for far too long. I hope that we never have to move again...though even as I say that I know well that anything can happen.
The other shoe? Still waiting for that one. Not sure if it's just nerves or a hunch or indigestion but I hear the pitter patter of that other shoe getting closer...or maybe I am just hearing things.
Several days pass and several minor miracles occur that seem to be pointing us with laser precision to buying this home. We decide to get our home ready to sell. We mention it to a few people. We are about to list it. I get a phone call from a very sweet lady who is interested in looking at our house. (she heard about it from a very good friend who we adore) I hesitate because I am still thinking that there is NO way that this is all happening. And yet, the excitement continues and we show this family our home. Twice. We decide to move forward on selling our home and buying this other. We knew that it needed work but, WOW, we were not prepared for the lengthy inspection report and numerous concerns that seemed to trickle in like a leaky faucet that NO ONE could figure out how to stop. The crazy kids we are though...we were undaunted. It felt destined. (silly me) We make an offer. We accept an offer on our house. We move forward thinking that it was all just meant to be. And then...it wasn't. Remember that bit about how they came to us? Long story short...negotiations failed on the house we did not seek out. We had hit a place that we simply could not responsibly continue. The drama hit its high point that day. We had sold our beloved home. Sold. Under contract. Did you know that as a buyer you can generally get out of a contract for a myriad of reasons? Did you also know that as a seller you cannot? Well...you can't. Panic set in and we were not sure what would happen next.
As if hand picked for us a little whisper of a possibility came across my screen in my frantic search for any possible solution. First day on market. One owner. Pool. No pictures online. Leap. of. faith. We set up a showing for that afternoon. Walking into the back yard of this property was, well...let's put it this way...a thousand pounds of worry melted away just by opening that gate. Another long story short...we liked it. We made an offer. They said yes. No counter offer. Just accepted. Yes...choirs of angels are singing...minor issues have continued as is usually the case in big purchases like this. When I am asked about it I say something to the effect of "I'll believe it when the contracts are signed and executed" because I know well that anything could happen. It usually does.
The upside...we feel better. This home is no more or less than our family needs...in many ways it seems made for us. It needs a few of our touches but all in all this family has loved this home just as we have loved ours. You can see that in all that they have done. So wildly grateful for a good friend and realtor walking/ carrying us through this process. She has put up with our real estate drama for far too long. I hope that we never have to move again...though even as I say that I know well that anything can happen.
The other shoe? Still waiting for that one. Not sure if it's just nerves or a hunch or indigestion but I hear the pitter patter of that other shoe getting closer...or maybe I am just hearing things.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
When it rains...
It pours. That seems to be a trend in my world. We had a fabulous thunderstorm overnight that woke up most of my household keeping little eyes open when they should most certainly have been comfortably closed. I could hear the sounds of "Spongebob Squarepants" coming from the brightly lit family room and that could only mean one thing...they had been scared awake and needed a pleasant distraction. It is now 10 in the morning and those same critters are still asleep. In fairness, the thunder sounded as if it might just knock on the front door any minute. It wasn't that wimpy, low growling thunder. It was Jurassic Park thunder. The lightning was pretty magnificent as well. I think it's safe to say that we were not the only home stirring as a result.
In recent weeks I have learned of the closing of a dance studio that my girls have come to love, specifically Kyra. I have had mixed emotions as a result of all of it but one that keeps coming back is kind of a haunting reminder of closing a business of my own. It seems like a lifetime ago but I remember well the ache that came from facing the reality that my little engine that could...could not. While there was great financial loss the thing that stays with me is the personal loss. I had young people counting on me. In a time when my world was crumbling for many reasons, I decided to embark on an adventure. (silly me) I opened a talent agency. I love actors, well kind of a love-hate relationship actually. I will explain that in a minute. I worked with and represented some very dedicated, talented and passionate people. I was in way over my head. I didn't know enough about the business of acting. I have learned a great deal as a result of that risk. My greatest regret is that there were so many young people let down because of my decision to close the agency. I had very little choice in the matter for a number of reasons, not the least of which was failed commitments from others in the industry that I trusted. I learned a great deal about trusting the wrong people then. Not a lesson I would like to repeat. Business was slow and auditions were sparse. Actors were restless. Casting directors were seeking jobs outside of Utah because it was so quiet. We were all suffering from a post 9/11 halt in the entertainment industry. Live entertainment suffered as well. Larry was fortunate to be working on the SLC Olympics at the time, otherwise he would have been out of work as well. I knew the black and white reasons were valid. I knew that I was making the right decision. I also knew that it would cost me friendships...and it did. Life has gone on and other agencies have opened up. My actors have all moved on and some are actually making it happen. I am proud of them. I don't look back and wish that I had stayed or fought any harder to keep it open. I know that was simply not enough. However, when I look at these young girls who are sad at the loss of their studio, I can't help but see those faces from so long ago.
Why the love-hate thing with actors? WELL...I love actors because I love the process. I love everything about acting as a craft. I love the study, the exercise, the life lessons, the investigations into lives that could have been, and possibly were. The only caveat to that is that I love good actors. Now that is a broad statement as good comes in various forms and is not usually marked by success in the industry of acting. The actors that I am not as fond of are the ones who don't get it. The actors who decide one day that they want to be famous. (don't even get me started) The actors who have little substance but lots of flash...those are often the ones who get the work. The actors who are so self-obsessed that it is hard to work as a team. (only as strong as your weakest link, right?!) The actors who are whiny! Oh, I can't stand whining. I have been an actor most of my life...I say that loosely as I have not worked in a long time. I believe that once you are an actor you are always an actor. You see things differently. Problem is that in order to work with the good, genuine, dedicated actors...you have to deal with the rest of them. (and there's a lot of them)
A rant. That's what happens when I get started about actors.
So to the young girls who face moving on and finding a new studio I say "go get 'em!" You have a lot to offer and the closing of this studio had nothing to do with you or your talent. To the owner of the studio I say, "you did the right thing in closing it". You have loved these girls and given them a great deal. You have built them up and shown them that they are and always will be good enough! Some of them have found strength they didn't know they had. Now you have to go out there and rebuild for yourself. It takes time and it hurts for a long time but it gets better. One day, years down the road, you will see your dancers and be proud of them for carrying on and doing what they love even if you could not be there for that journey.
In recent weeks I have learned of the closing of a dance studio that my girls have come to love, specifically Kyra. I have had mixed emotions as a result of all of it but one that keeps coming back is kind of a haunting reminder of closing a business of my own. It seems like a lifetime ago but I remember well the ache that came from facing the reality that my little engine that could...could not. While there was great financial loss the thing that stays with me is the personal loss. I had young people counting on me. In a time when my world was crumbling for many reasons, I decided to embark on an adventure. (silly me) I opened a talent agency. I love actors, well kind of a love-hate relationship actually. I will explain that in a minute. I worked with and represented some very dedicated, talented and passionate people. I was in way over my head. I didn't know enough about the business of acting. I have learned a great deal as a result of that risk. My greatest regret is that there were so many young people let down because of my decision to close the agency. I had very little choice in the matter for a number of reasons, not the least of which was failed commitments from others in the industry that I trusted. I learned a great deal about trusting the wrong people then. Not a lesson I would like to repeat. Business was slow and auditions were sparse. Actors were restless. Casting directors were seeking jobs outside of Utah because it was so quiet. We were all suffering from a post 9/11 halt in the entertainment industry. Live entertainment suffered as well. Larry was fortunate to be working on the SLC Olympics at the time, otherwise he would have been out of work as well. I knew the black and white reasons were valid. I knew that I was making the right decision. I also knew that it would cost me friendships...and it did. Life has gone on and other agencies have opened up. My actors have all moved on and some are actually making it happen. I am proud of them. I don't look back and wish that I had stayed or fought any harder to keep it open. I know that was simply not enough. However, when I look at these young girls who are sad at the loss of their studio, I can't help but see those faces from so long ago.
Why the love-hate thing with actors? WELL...I love actors because I love the process. I love everything about acting as a craft. I love the study, the exercise, the life lessons, the investigations into lives that could have been, and possibly were. The only caveat to that is that I love good actors. Now that is a broad statement as good comes in various forms and is not usually marked by success in the industry of acting. The actors that I am not as fond of are the ones who don't get it. The actors who decide one day that they want to be famous. (don't even get me started) The actors who have little substance but lots of flash...those are often the ones who get the work. The actors who are so self-obsessed that it is hard to work as a team. (only as strong as your weakest link, right?!) The actors who are whiny! Oh, I can't stand whining. I have been an actor most of my life...I say that loosely as I have not worked in a long time. I believe that once you are an actor you are always an actor. You see things differently. Problem is that in order to work with the good, genuine, dedicated actors...you have to deal with the rest of them. (and there's a lot of them)
A rant. That's what happens when I get started about actors.
So to the young girls who face moving on and finding a new studio I say "go get 'em!" You have a lot to offer and the closing of this studio had nothing to do with you or your talent. To the owner of the studio I say, "you did the right thing in closing it". You have loved these girls and given them a great deal. You have built them up and shown them that they are and always will be good enough! Some of them have found strength they didn't know they had. Now you have to go out there and rebuild for yourself. It takes time and it hurts for a long time but it gets better. One day, years down the road, you will see your dancers and be proud of them for carrying on and doing what they love even if you could not be there for that journey.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Still waiting?
I am finding myself trying to catch my breath lately. Schedules are full, changes are everywhere and life goes on...and on. In this rare moment of silence in our home I started looking back at old blog posts and felt enormous gratitude that I made myself take the time to take notes, share pictures and memories that we can always cherish. At the same moment; however, I felt a little sad that I had skipped so long in between. It's just so fast. Everyone tells you that when they are babies. "Cherish every moment because it goes by before you know it". I remember when they were little thinking all those people were crazy because my days seemed endless and exhausting. I wish that I had understood the wisdom in slowing down.
That ship has sailed in our family as our children are all growing up. We now have a 7 year old, an ALMOST 12 year old, a 13 year old and a 16 year old. My boys are both working and the oldest is driving. The combination of which is nauseating and thrilling at the same time. We went from this:
To this:
That ship has sailed in our family as our children are all growing up. We now have a 7 year old, an ALMOST 12 year old, a 13 year old and a 16 year old. My boys are both working and the oldest is driving. The combination of which is nauseating and thrilling at the same time. We went from this:
I look at each of them and wonder where life will take them and want so badly to find some kind of manual override to slow it all down. That is not, of course, what they want. This young man is now a Junior in High School. My baby is now a 2nd grader. For those who have been through this phase I am sure that I would hear guidance that included something along the lines of "enjoy them" and "make it count"...at least that's what I would say to parents who still think the days are so long and exhausting.
Life here is still very much the same but oh so very different at the same time. We are now in Summer mode again and changes are everywhere. I plan to share those changes and do a better job at saving these moments. You really can't get them back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)