Dear Heather's Body,
Hmm. Well? What to say today. I feel as if we have been drifting apart for some time. We have shared some unbelievable times and I think we can still make this work out if we work together. Counseling? Sure, that would help. Working out, you say? You know how I feel about that, but I guess we could try that as well. NO SUGAR?!?!? Oh come on, now. That seems a little extreme. Ok, we'll consider that one. Maybe.
Look, I know that I have never been all that grateful, or helpful, or understanding. I have pushed you to the edge many times and you have carried me back. I don't think I was all that aware of you before I was forced to lie on my back for weeks on end after the Surgery. You knew that we could do it, but wow was I mad at you for that one. I still feel the reminders of that. As I am getting "older" I am beginning to feel more of that than I would like actually. When we suffered that mutilation that left us with a pretty rocking scar, I lost a lot of weight. I was tired and could not get out of bed on my own. I couldn't do much on my own, ask Mom. Scoliosis got the best of us at that young age but we overcame. You did most of that on your own.
Entering college I became much more aware of you. I wanted to be thin. THIN!!! I wanted you to know that and make it happen as you had made recovery happen. I look back at that now and realize that I was thin. I just didn't realize it. I suppose my spine wasn't the only thing a little twisted back then. Oh, who am I kidding, I am still a bit twisted when it comes to you.
Then came the babies. I can never really thank you for the enthusiastic welcome you gave each of my children. I did not struggle to get pregnant, quite the opposite. I did not find the courage to surrender to the pain though. You made these creatures that now give me such joy and I never really thanked you. Instead, I tortured you with one diet after another. I don't think you could really call it yo yo dieting at this point as I think we have worn that yo yo out by now. I have starved and cleansed and drugged and pushed and pulled and anything else that I thought would force you to be the Body I wanted. I am sorry for that. I have, without doubt, earned every pound and every stretch mark and every wrinkle and scar. I can't say that there is much that I truly regret in my life, well, a few things come to mind, but I can say that I do wish that you and I were a bit closer. I wish that we could work this out and get on the same page. I know that it's not you, it's me. I am the one who keeps pulling away and being demanding and whiny...high maintenance even. I see what you mean about counseling. Well, here we are at mere months away from 35, which is just a short stroll to 40. I feel a real pressure to make this relationship work sooner than later. I would not want to harbor negative feelings as we reach the prime of our lives.
I want to take you on a cruise and to other countries. I want to be strong. I have it in my head, but I have not found a way to translate that to action. In truth, I believe that my efforts are a bit counterproductive. I wish that weren't so. I can promise you that I am trying and I will work to a healthy balance. I will run the tests to check for imbalances and learn a new way to eat and be strong. I have never wanted to be someone else, or look like someone else. I only want to be the best version of myself. It's been sometime since I have seen her. Let's make a promise to work on that together.
Yours always,
Heather
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