The next day...

First of all, the title of my last post was an ode to a book being released that is called "Sleep is for the Weak".  I don't know enough about to really guide you but what I have read, I am intrigued and will likely be one of those who pre-orders the book just to get my hands on it as soon as possible.  See this: Mom-101: Sleep is For the Weak, Publishing is for the Strong.  By now, you may have noticed that I have spent a fair amount of time surfing through endless links to one fabulous blog after another.  It could be a symptom of a greater problem called Avoidance, which is what keeps me a little, well, stuck.  

Ok.  So.  The other thing is that yesterday was an emotional day.  Now, I have been festering these frustrated and anti-me feelings a bit more and more lately, which I readily admit is a bit toxic and counterproductive.  Something I have learned in my Avoidance is that there are so, so many other women out there fighting the same battles and enjoying the same victories every day.  I am certainly not an island.  And, I am certainly not really suffering, in the grand scheme of things.  I did wake up with a nicer disposition this morning.  I took the morning to really enjoy Kierstin.  I was moved by another mom's story of dancing with her children and I couldn't help but turn on the iPod and dance with this baby who turns two in mere hours.  But I will get to that in a moment.

Let me say that yes, last night would have been a good night for a drink.  I learned a little while ago that me and drinking simply do not mix.  I mean, perhaps we mix too well, I don't know.  But, sleep was a better prescription last night.  Am I down?  I have been, yes.  I have been hard on myself about too many things and forgetting to enjoy the abundance around me.  Yesterday I thought how selfish I had been by not tending to my home as well or as rigorously as I could.  I thought that because of all of the homes torn apart just in the last few months by one disaster after another.  I felt a surge of gratitude for the sanctity that is this home.  I have been progressively disenchanted with losing weight.  I mean, down right mad about it if you want to be honest.  I have felt that I have too much to do and I am too smart, all evidence to the contrary, to worry so much about what I look like.  I mean, seriously.  The truth is that there is a different motivation for being healthy and that is to continue to be able to dance with my babies in every room of this house.  It isn't as much about being a particular size, though a 6 would be nice...let's be real...a 10 would be a dream and  I would have to stop myself at an 8.  I can't get too carried away after all.  I am not sure what is stopping me.  I have the time and the resources.  I have an able body that is truly beginning to ache for the attention.  I just have to make one small change at a time, which is a little hard for me because I am sort of an all or nothing kind of girl.  

Today I felt a little apologetic to myself for being so disappointed in so many things.  I looked at myself in the mirror while I danced with this baby that was a miracle in the dark in the first place.  I looked at the hips that held her and felt grateful.  The arms that have the strength to pick her up for a hug or to scrape her off the floor from one tantrum or another.  The same arms that can hold my biggest little one when he aches.  I could probably still carry that boy if I had to.  This stomach that I am so hard on was home to these creatures, and as trite as that may sound, they were formed there.  I mean, I do see them every day so I don't really need the constant reminder, but there you have it either way.  My legs keep on going even when they are sore or lazy.  My goodness, I have so much to grateful for that my little diatribe last night seems...well, for whatever it seems it was real and I was upset.  I am and will continue to work on one thing or another for such is life.  I will; however, find joy in my moments.  My little faces and little voices and hearts that trust me to stay strong.  And in all of that, I am here to have joy and if I would just get out of the way and let that be my course, even if that takes a little therapy or a lot of blogging or a lot of praying...it is what I choose. 

Ta da!  My head has spun back around and my other personalities can come out to play now.  Cybil is back in her little padded room for a little while longer.  :)  I am not sad or depressed or even certifiable, yet.  I struggle just like you with the same things and the same worries and the same triumphs.  So, thank you for the support and the hope and the continued friendships.  

And. lest you think I am the only one a little loose these days, you must read this:

A Good Blog is Hard To Find: Treat and Retreat (were sitting in a boat?)

Particularly this part: I know some people look at a sunset or a mountain or some flowers and they go OH! THE BEAUTY OF THE ERF! OHOHOH! And their eyes get misty and they wander off refreshed. Me? I say, “Dude. It’s a tree with some blooms on it, and come Autumn that tree is going to poop it all off and I will have to RAKE. Bleh.”  Oh, how I appreciate that paragraph and her humor.

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As a side note, Baby turns 2 tomorrow!  It was three years ago now that the experience that brought her here all began.  It is such a strange and still sad thing to think about, but when I see her I know why.  When I look at this family all back together, I know why.  She is just incredible.  We finally gave up the bottle two days ago so she isn't that thrilled with me, but know that she went to bed tonight with no tears, and still no bottle.  She didn't even ask for one.  TRIUMPH!  I wish that you could all know her.   I love being a little older and a lot more experienced as a mother to this one.  I don't remember being calm, ever, when the top three were little.  Maybe they don't either.  I want them to remember me at this time in our lives though...grateful for them.  I do fear that they may just remember me anxious and irritated but I am working on that as we speak.  So, on this anniversary of when my life changed in completely new ways, I celebrate. 

(oh too funny.  I just checked my email and there was a request from eHarmony to find true love.  Irony.)