I have realized a little something about myself today. I think that I may be a certifiable mess. I am obsessed about losing weight, but not enough to do anything more than complain about it. I am anxious about my kids, particularly the One who needs therapy now because of all of the things that have happened in his little life so far. I can't seem to make myself, or rather, allow myself to just be. This therapist we visited today suggested that I might benefit from mellowing out. True. That's all I could say. True. Followed by a resounding, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!" I find myself irritated that so many things irritate me lately. Example: PTA fundraisers for next year. WHO CARES??? I was actually getting a little bothered today because of the number of fundraisers today and had to tell myself, again with the talking to myself, that it did not matter to me. Because it simply doesn't. I can choose to work on and volunteer for the things that I care about and I can make time for the pursuits that mean something to me and not worry about the rest of it. I am working, actively and consciously working, on letting it go. All the meaningless, unnecessary, none of my business, never gonna happen stuff. Gone. They all matter to someone else so why should I worry about it? There you have it. Moving on?
I think that the truth is that I am just monumentally disappointed in myself. It is no secret that I am great. I mean, I am. We all are. I was born with it so I can't claim it as something that I did or do to be this person. My parents did most of it. They gave each of us enough faith in ourselves and ability and strength to believe that we could do anything and actually have the potential to pull it off. And then, well, then...we tend to fall short of the mark. Well, I know I do. I have something to do in this life and it includes raising these amazing children and spending this life with them. But part of that must be by example. It must be in living a promising, as well as actually following through with that promise, kind of life. Not just, "I want to." or "I will, someday" I read a great quote today about how "Someday is the only thing that we will take to our grave." (or something like that) I am tired of someday. I am tired of being hard on myself and apologizing for being late to things, for not being great at cleaning, for forgetting to get the oil changed or return that stupid thing to Target that I keep saying I will return and never do. I don't want to be an apologizer. I was in a lecture at BYU a long time ago when the speaker said that you should never say you are sorry. Because that is labeling yourself as SORRY. I make mistakes. I forget things. I have many things I could be better at and somethings that I could be great at. I do believe that I am a great mother. I have a lot to learn but I do know that much. I can paint and write and cook and create. I can play and run and use muscles enough to ache for three days later. I can cry over earthquakes and cyclones and missing children. I can miss my husband when he is away. And I do. I can sit in church with four children by myself and pray for a day when I won't be alone there anymore. I can absolutely adore the women in my life, including my incredible sisters and mother and some truly enchanting women in my neighborhood and ward. I can cheer at a baseball game and study for tests until all hours of the night. I am really good at calling in a house cleaning service and being genuinely thrilled when they leave. I can spend hours and hundreds of dollars in my yard and still stress over wilting leaves and untended areas. (I have gotten carried away.) I can read Dr. Suess and Ayn Rand and understand 90% of each. I can actually color in the lines, unless a baby is pulling on my arm at the same time. I can get really mad at stupid drivers and irritated by parents who don't hold little hands when crossing a busy street. I can remember when Elizabeth Smart was found and crying in my office because they had actually found her alive.
This is the longest list of things to be grateful for and still I wonder why I can't take better care of myself. Why I can't focus and accomplish beyond my wildest dreams. Why I feel that I must have some sort of excuse every time I don't quite make it to the finish line. And let's just be honest, I don't know if I really even know what the finish line looks like. I don't think I have ever been there. If you are still reading this please know that while I am a little down on myself and sound a wee bit shy of crazy, I will be much better in the morning. I will greet the new day with breakfast with the kids and some time spent in my flowers to try to actually finish that one thing. It is looking so nice after all.
I want to spend more time being grateful. Happy. Relaxed. Mellow. Playful. Fit. Intelligent.
Thanks for following along in this little rant of the day.
I will now accept donations for the therapy sessions sure to follow.
OK, you are totally killing me here:) There is not much worse than realizing you may need more therapy than your child! But, as is usually the case, our kids need therapy because of us...we need to start a savings plan around our house for the damage I am sure I am doing! And, as you know, I worry about that. What am I writing in their book of life that I later can't undo. But, luckily we wake up the next day and get another chance. With all of the natural disasters lately, it does make me realize that in moment, waking up the next day may be robbed from us. So, let that be the motivation for all of us to do all that we can today! I see the families devastated, especially the children trapped in their schools with out their mothers, and of course, begin to think that maybe homeschooling is better, but mostly I think about their parents. Do they regret the way they sent their children to school, do they sit is sadness wishing they had let them stay up a little later, or finally played that game the littlest one had been asking for. I think the worst part of losing a child would have to be the regret one might feel if they had not given that child their all! So, let go of the PTA, keep hiring the house keeper( and then send her to my house), and of course, keep sitting in church. You may never have your husband there by your side, but at least you are getting extra "heaven" points each time you do it!! Now, get up and go to the gym!! ~Amber~
ReplyDeleteDear Heather...
ReplyDeleteI feel some melancholy reading this missive... Even though I haven't known you for the past couple of years or so, I feel sad for you that you're so down on yourself, and wonder if there is anything I can do for you.
Not that this helps, but do you know the last time I went to the gym regularly was when you and I met at Xcel three, four time a week? So I'm down on myself about that, too, which means I have no advice on how to make that a real, and daily(-ish) part of life again. I weigh more than I ever have. I was going to wait till my face looked thinner before I got my passport renewed, but I went ahead and did it anyway. So, I get to carry around a fat-faced passport picture for the next 10 years, but...at least I got my passport! I think I realized that it was more important to me to have the freedom to travel, than to obsess about my chubby cheeks (all 4 of `em, baby--fortunately, the government does not identify us by our asses).
On finishing things we start: Well, I'm not sure I'm much help here either, because somewhere along the way I stopped finishing. I have unfinished afghans, scrapbooks, books, letters, french lessons, MBAs in accounting, ballroom dance lessons, guitar lessons, etc...and I have items to return and messes to clean up and oil to change, too. I feel like I have fewer reasons, though, to leave so many things undone, because I don't have children. A former boyfriend once told me that his only New Year's resolution was something like, "No new projects, no personal growth." And that was certainly not about being lazy. It was simply about giving himself the year to finish all the things he'd started rather than put more on his plate to feel even more depressed about for not finishing.
I'm not sure how to help, except to say that you're not alone. Slow down and just, you know...enjoy every breath. I hope you do feel better today. You are great.
Love,
Amy
Do you need a drink?!
ReplyDeleteAmen! I think so many of us feel the same way, but only a few are willing to admit it, okay, write a novel about it! I feel about 90% of the way you wrote, and have recently come to be grateful for my high expectations -I'd rather be reaching than just sitting! I also think some of us are blessed (or cursed) with a constant reminder of our divine heritage, for better or worse. Love you Heather!
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