Every now and then. Not often. But sometimes. I find myself wondering. Questioning. Doubting. Doubting a lot, actually. Not all the time, but occasionally I catch myself. Which version of myself am I living up to?
I am a firm believer in the idea that one decision can change the course of our entire lives. Considering that we make countless decisions it is not surprising that the current status of our lives may bear very little resemblance to what we thought it would be when we were clueless about life and just arrogant enough to think we could control it.
I have had many titles. Actor. Vocalist. Student. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Wife. Mother. Ex-wife. Business owner. SAHM. Teacher. Lash Lady. In all of those titles I have had success and failure, and a fair amount of mediocrity along the way. In most of those titles I have also had great heartache that led me to want to quit any or all of those roles. And then I pause.
It's in those pauses that I am reminded of the power of choice. We choose what we succeed and fail at and, more importantly, how we react to it. That doesn't mean that I think that anyone chooses to fail. That's ridiculous. Failure will break your heart. And then we pause. So I am at yet another pause. While these pauses have been frustrating and even disabling at times, they almost always lead me to new success. New relationships. New focus.
Then I heard this song today. At first it broke my heart a little. Or a lot. I thought of many women in my life who could surely identify with this idea. The idea that we used to believe in something we could and would be and that we somehow lost along the way. Maybe by choice. Maybe by force. I would suggest that life has a way of rerouting our best intentions with such subtlety that we have no idea it's happening. Until we pause.
I also saw "Joy" starring Jennifer Lawrence last night. Now, as a film, it was interesting and thought provoking but also kind of eclectic. Definitely true to David O. Russell. But the story. The little girl with big dreams and the talent and intelligence to back it up that life rerouted. That story. My story. Maybe your story too. There is a moment in the film where she pauses. It's after much heartache and loss but she PAUSES and remembers that little girl that she once was. It's in that pause that she recognizes the power that she still has and she gets back up and fights for what she wants. It's not the dream she thought she would have. It's not the life she dreamed of. It looks nothing like anything she ever conjured up but it's hers and it is her magic that makes it all possible. And make no mistake, it is magic. And I have it too. And so do you.
So why the identity crisis? Why today's pause? Well...some of those titles I have had over the years linger as dreams and make me wonder what might have been. They cast doubt on current endeavors and make me PAUSE. What did I think life would look like now and would I really change it all to go back?
No. I would not. That talent is still there. The dreams don't go away. They just make way for the dreams we didn't know we had. And the truth is...God willing, we have many days and many decisions left to change the course again and again. We adjust and let those same dreams move us forward. That's what started it all to begin with. So take your pause. Make it count. And then carry on. That's where the magic happens.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
The things we should have known but wouldn't listen to!
I have been musing over a few things lately and can't keep myself from jotting them down. The thoughts were clear and articulate in my head. Not sure if it will translate in writing but let's give it a go, shall we?
Things I wish that I had been told when I was 25...aka things that I wish I would have believed when I was surely told before I was 25. I have stated before that I was much smarter in my younger days, at least I believed that. I was very wrong.
1. Smile!
Think about it. 99.9% of people you pass on the street, in your car, in a shopping center or grocery store, at school, at church...everywhere...they are all guarding a broken heart. I am sure that the breaks vary and the intensity is sure to be felt in degrees. Make no mistake; however, the broken hearts are there. You don't recognize it at first. But if you wait for it, listen for a second, stand close enough to someone, pay attention...you will see it.
See, for many years I lived with a severe case of inferiority. I looked at everyone else and believed that they all had it figured out. I was never terribly shy or afraid of being vocal, but I lived believing that others were more talented or spiritual or intelligent, or better at parenting or being a wife. You name it, I believed that everyone else, anyone else, was better at it than I was. And I was ok with that. I thought I just had a lot to learn. Truth is that many of them are better at many things than I am and I celebrate that now!
Instead of seeing those things now; however, I wonder what their stories are. What has broken their hearts? What are they guarding? What are you hoping for today? What can I do to make this moment just a little better? Sometimes all you can do is smile, a genuine smile that shares that you wish them well, that you see them and want them to feel your warmth just for that second. It won't fix anything, maybe not. But it might just be the only smile they get all day.
2. Breathe!
Easy right? I hear that said a lot. Just breathe! Childbirth? Yep, just breathe. Idiots! It hurts too much to breathe through it, right? While I am still not sure that breathing will ease the pain of childbirth, I do know that it can and will center you. Give you a moment to stop. Now, I breathe much better by the ocean myself but I can also highly recommend breathing from the quiet of your closet or your car, or my personal favorite, your shower. Breathe deeply. Count to 10. Find your center. Whatever terminology speaks to you...do it!
3. Socialize!
Oh this one is easy. Well, it should be. Get together with your friends! Make new friends if you don't have that kind of tribe yet. I have been giving serious thought to creating a women's group for women who aren't in a group yet! I see pictures of friends who have amazing get togethers and play games and have Scarf or Earring or Ornament or some other kind of exchanges at Christmas and I think to myself...I want to be in a group like that! I just never take the time to really socialize! I spend so much time being mom and wife that I have to force myself to be just Heather sometimes. Don't do that!!!
4. Get pretty!
Ok. Disclaimer. I sell makeup. I know that might seem to come with the territory as one who markets beauty products but let me explain. Do you know how many people tell me that they just don't have time to do makeup and hair right now? Or go to the gym? (I am on that list!) I am not one that needs to make a point about taking time for myself, though maybe I should! But let's be clear, you MUST take care of yourself. You MUST! Wash your face before you go to bed. Wear moisturizer. Spend some time in a warm bath. Pay attention to how YOU feel about what you look like before you leave the house, not because anyone else's opinion matters but because your opinion DOES!
5. Read!
Ok, this is more for me as I want so much to be able to take time to read something special! There are so many amazing writings! Feed your brain! How can we serve others, including ourselves, if we are neglecting our most precious commodity? Do you know what kind of literature speaks to you? When is the last time you read a good book? Back when Oprah was still on network tv and shouting about her favorite things? (I do miss those episodes) Seriously friends...pick something. Read for 10 minutes if you have to. Just read!
BONUS:
Stop being so hard on yourselves. Please. You are so much more amazing than you think you are. More than many people realize. You can't really blame them for not seeing it if you don't believe it yourself. Find something that makes your heart sing. Serve someone. Dance more. PLAY! Watch stupid tv from time to time. Veg out...you know, lay like broccoli! :) Sleep in! Hug people! LISTEN! Speak...no one knows unless you share. That broken heart you guard might just be healed a little by sharing it with someone willing to listen. And always, always find something to laugh about!
What advice do you wish you had listened to in your twenties?
1. Smile!
Think about it. 99.9% of people you pass on the street, in your car, in a shopping center or grocery store, at school, at church...everywhere...they are all guarding a broken heart. I am sure that the breaks vary and the intensity is sure to be felt in degrees. Make no mistake; however, the broken hearts are there. You don't recognize it at first. But if you wait for it, listen for a second, stand close enough to someone, pay attention...you will see it.
See, for many years I lived with a severe case of inferiority. I looked at everyone else and believed that they all had it figured out. I was never terribly shy or afraid of being vocal, but I lived believing that others were more talented or spiritual or intelligent, or better at parenting or being a wife. You name it, I believed that everyone else, anyone else, was better at it than I was. And I was ok with that. I thought I just had a lot to learn. Truth is that many of them are better at many things than I am and I celebrate that now!
Instead of seeing those things now; however, I wonder what their stories are. What has broken their hearts? What are they guarding? What are you hoping for today? What can I do to make this moment just a little better? Sometimes all you can do is smile, a genuine smile that shares that you wish them well, that you see them and want them to feel your warmth just for that second. It won't fix anything, maybe not. But it might just be the only smile they get all day.
2. Breathe!
Easy right? I hear that said a lot. Just breathe! Childbirth? Yep, just breathe. Idiots! It hurts too much to breathe through it, right? While I am still not sure that breathing will ease the pain of childbirth, I do know that it can and will center you. Give you a moment to stop. Now, I breathe much better by the ocean myself but I can also highly recommend breathing from the quiet of your closet or your car, or my personal favorite, your shower. Breathe deeply. Count to 10. Find your center. Whatever terminology speaks to you...do it!
3. Socialize!
Oh this one is easy. Well, it should be. Get together with your friends! Make new friends if you don't have that kind of tribe yet. I have been giving serious thought to creating a women's group for women who aren't in a group yet! I see pictures of friends who have amazing get togethers and play games and have Scarf or Earring or Ornament or some other kind of exchanges at Christmas and I think to myself...I want to be in a group like that! I just never take the time to really socialize! I spend so much time being mom and wife that I have to force myself to be just Heather sometimes. Don't do that!!!
4. Get pretty!
Ok. Disclaimer. I sell makeup. I know that might seem to come with the territory as one who markets beauty products but let me explain. Do you know how many people tell me that they just don't have time to do makeup and hair right now? Or go to the gym? (I am on that list!) I am not one that needs to make a point about taking time for myself, though maybe I should! But let's be clear, you MUST take care of yourself. You MUST! Wash your face before you go to bed. Wear moisturizer. Spend some time in a warm bath. Pay attention to how YOU feel about what you look like before you leave the house, not because anyone else's opinion matters but because your opinion DOES!
5. Read!
Ok, this is more for me as I want so much to be able to take time to read something special! There are so many amazing writings! Feed your brain! How can we serve others, including ourselves, if we are neglecting our most precious commodity? Do you know what kind of literature speaks to you? When is the last time you read a good book? Back when Oprah was still on network tv and shouting about her favorite things? (I do miss those episodes) Seriously friends...pick something. Read for 10 minutes if you have to. Just read!
BONUS:
Stop being so hard on yourselves. Please. You are so much more amazing than you think you are. More than many people realize. You can't really blame them for not seeing it if you don't believe it yourself. Find something that makes your heart sing. Serve someone. Dance more. PLAY! Watch stupid tv from time to time. Veg out...you know, lay like broccoli! :) Sleep in! Hug people! LISTEN! Speak...no one knows unless you share. That broken heart you guard might just be healed a little by sharing it with someone willing to listen. And always, always find something to laugh about!
What advice do you wish you had listened to in your twenties?
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Embrace the SELFIE!
It feels ridiculous. Taking pictures of myself in various locations, looking for the best light and pose. It goes against everything I have ever thought about being a 42 year old woman, well...any age really. Selfies have been a mystery to me for a very long time. You have seen the comical images and videos of young girls sitting in a row at a sporting event all finding the best image...duck faces by all. RIDICULOUS!So, why am I defending the selfie now? How have I let myself be okay with this trend?
Here is why...
I want to be seen. I said it. I DO! I want you to be seen too. I want to see you! I want my children to look at pictures and know that I was there. How many of us have years of pictures that our dutiful parents took of us at one event or another that are quite without any representation of either of our parents? Moms who made sure that we had the experience but stayed on the other side of the camera. It was a gesture of love for many but a hiding mechanism for others. I would venture to say that an entire generation of women CHOSE to stay out of those pictures. Why? Oh it could be anything. Let me just state for the record; however, this girl is no longer afraid of the camera. Someone taught me several years ago that taking pictures isn't about what you look like or what you weigh or what you THINK you should look like. It is about a moment and remembering that moment, including what you looked like when it happened. Some photos will be unflattering. But you were there!
Now I know that there is a difference in taking selfies and being in pictures. Here is where I am about the selfie..EMBRACE IT! Let loose a little! Be silly! Glam yourself up and TAKE THAT SELFIE! Truth is that most people will never see that side of you unless you document it. Oh girls, we are so much more than mom and wife. Document the heck out of that. Don't let them live every day without realizing just how much you have to offer. Is a selfie the only way to do that? Does this argument even make sense? Maybe. Maybe not. But...that selfie makes me answer to myself. It gives me a chance to see me as others do. Not as mirrors do or hand drawn art work by magical toddlers. A snap shot of me in a moment of silliness and even, dare I say, vanity. Trust me, it is an exercise that will show you a whole new side of yourself. Once you get past the awkward "how can I really be doing this" and "what if someone sees me" thing...it's FREEDOM!
Let them see you! Let them see you take selfies with your friends, your children, your significant other and most definitely ALONE!
Disclaimer: this is by no means an invitation to be THAT girl at sporting events and bars. You know who she is. Don't do THAT! It's weird.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Being over qualified for the measure of your creation
So many places to go. So much to see. to learn. to feel. to explore.People to meet. to nurture. to love.
Create. write. sing. dance. act. cook. love. hold babies. float. laugh.
Work. bills. responsibilities. age. work. work. work. drive a lot. doctors. work. and work even more
Daydreaming about those places to go, to see, to learn...and so on
Restless. bitter. jealous. confused. depressed. anxious. or is it anxiety first. who knows
I have recently spent time listening to, reading about and contemplating ideas that center on living a full life. a creative life. a peaceful life. A centered life.
The measure of your creation. It's a phrase I love and have a new fascination with.
What is that? How do you know? On a spiritual level...that's easy. or is it?
Finding joy in the journey when the days are filled with mundane, daily living tasks that offer no personal fulfillment or creativity whatsoever is draining. Breathe, they say. Yes. Breathe. Take time for yourself. Exercise. Eat right. Take your vitamins. Drink more water. And breathe.
Yes. Breathe. The fascinating thing about life is that we are all, in many areas, overqualified. We take jobs that pay bills. We buy homes in cities because of good schools and low crime. We live our lives based on what we feel is best for everyone at the moment. And then we ask ourselves whose lives we are living? What did we do with our dreams? Where did that girl go? We hit our forties and there is this mad pause, just long enough to realize that it looks different, somehow, than the plans you had in your twenties. Not bad, just different. You look at yourself in the mirror and see age. You see tired. You see the pain that has happened over these forty some odd years. You also see the smiles. The age shows experiences. Some of them you didn't expect or even ask for but weathered, beautifully you might add. And you did. If you have been so blessed you see that younger face in the faces of your children who are now dreaming as you once did. And you are jealous. A little.
We call this a midlife crisis for some.
But wait...just breathe. Accepting that we are overqualified for our lives is freeing in some way. Are you capable of being a respected author or well respected scientist? I could ask that question about every possible scenario so which one is yours? Which life do you dream of?
The measure of your creation is, in my opinion, far grander than job choice or home address. More than the daily tasks. More than the mundane. More than all of it. You are created for something so much bigger than we ever give ourselves the space to consider. What do we fear? What excuses do we grant ourselves, a bit like the child throwing a tantrum is really "just tired". (no he's not, by the way. he is being a brat) So many excuses... and we eat it up. We crave that because it is exponentially easier than giving it a try. Stop it!
Good news...being overqualified means that you have more to give. more to learn. more to see. more to love. more to grow. That is something you can hold on to and look forward to the next forty years with eager anticipation or what's next. Who will you be next year? Five years from now? Twenty?
So dream. smile. love. breathe. vitamins. eat right. work out. all of it matters. But above all else...find the measure of your creation and strive diligently to live up to it. You won't because you will never really know just how important you are but try. Always.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Come on woman, DANCE!
I am a people watcher by trade. Always have been. Started many years ago in theatre classes when we were told that one of the best ways to research a character was to watch other people in their "natural habitat". That is a habit that has never gone away. When I had the chance to attend a large scale concert this past weekend I had some prime people watching opportunities. Prime.
So I watched. I watched a seasoned performer brought to his knees by the excitement and energy in a packed arena. I watched back up singers shine, even in the back! I saw young men with wild mohawks singing every word of every Garth Brooks song. I saw women, old and young, sway to old songs that carry similar memories from different eras. I watched as they danced. Nearly every person in that arena danced.
One particular woman caught my attention. I watched as she slowly swayed at first. Then as the night went on she began to clap. Sway and clap. Smiling the entire time. Looking around her, maybe out of insecurity? Maybe to see what else was happening around her. As the night went on I saw her come out of her shell and I felt myself clapping for her a bit. Excited to see her discovering that she was having more fun that she thought she might. By the end of the night she was singing and clapping and swaying and smiling and even dancing! She was thoroughly enjoying herself and I could tell that she had not expected to feel quite so free.
As we walked away from that concert I realized that I had not expected it at all. That woman was me. For the rest of the night I felt slightly giddy that I had let go just a little, just enough to really have fun at an amazing concert. It's always been a little harder for me to just let go like that...to feel free enough to dance like no one is watching, as they say. I did sing every word to every song and by the end...and I most definitely danced!
Find your song. Find your freedom. Paint. Sing. Write. Shine. Whatever it is that makes your heart flutter just a bit more. And for the love of all that is good in the world, make sure you dance!
So I watched. I watched a seasoned performer brought to his knees by the excitement and energy in a packed arena. I watched back up singers shine, even in the back! I saw young men with wild mohawks singing every word of every Garth Brooks song. I saw women, old and young, sway to old songs that carry similar memories from different eras. I watched as they danced. Nearly every person in that arena danced.
As we walked away from that concert I realized that I had not expected it at all. That woman was me. For the rest of the night I felt slightly giddy that I had let go just a little, just enough to really have fun at an amazing concert. It's always been a little harder for me to just let go like that...to feel free enough to dance like no one is watching, as they say. I did sing every word to every song and by the end...and I most definitely danced!
Find your song. Find your freedom. Paint. Sing. Write. Shine. Whatever it is that makes your heart flutter just a bit more. And for the love of all that is good in the world, make sure you dance!
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Never Underestimate the Suburban Housewife
Had an interesting chat earlier this week that has left quite an impression on me this week.
With the start of a new school year we always get the chance to make new friends. As we get to know each other we share little bits and pieces about our lives. Now I am not one to share a whole lot, especially as I get older. Not sure why that is but because I have managed to find lasting friendships with a few dynamic women who carry a special place in my life I have not gone out of my way to make new friends, as they say. That's a different discussion. Back to this one...
So as we chatted I shared a little bit about my history, which includes acting and singing...again, I don't usually talk about that stuff. Bear in mind, this was a short chat, maybe 5 minutes. This incredibly sweet girl said something to the effect of "you can do all that and you are here?" So... I have no doubt that her intention was to be wowed by my suggested talent and to suggest that I could do more than what I am doing...and that is true. I know that. But it also felt a little bit like "why in the world would you have talent and not use it?" (also a fair question)
Then a couple of days later I had the opportunity to watch my youngest daughter learn choreography for a new dance from a woman I have great respect for. A woman who has had an incredible career but now works her days from home taking care of her family in a beautiful Suburban home here in our town, which as a description far underestimates what she does every day. If you didn't know that; however, you might look at her and assume she is just another busy mom who has surrendered her life to her kids and family. You might never realize the talent that she is. And then that chat came to mind again. "You can do all that and you are here?"
As I thought about that I thought of all of the amazing women that I have the privilege of working and serving with, passing every day in the carpool lane, all of us tired and overspent and desperately underestimated. What do you assume when you pass her in the carpool line?
Here is what you should assume...
She is talented, intelligent, stunning and graceful far beyond what you see of her today. She is educated. She is a writer, a dancer, a teacher, a philosopher, an actor, a pianist, a sculptor, a vocalist, a scientist. She is many things. She will hide behind her task lists and children, her tired eyes and lonely nights waiting on everyone else to be home and in bed before she can actually rest. Some of us have jobs, maybe beneath our talents but they pay bills or provide insurance or time with cherished friends. That woman, every single one of us, is more fabulous than you can fathom. We are here because we choose to share our awesome with our families and communities and schools, which would all be far less incredible without our level of awesome.
And let's be clear, we are awesome.
I am that awesome.
So when you see one of us in the carpool lane, applause would be deserved but a smile or a wave will suffice. And if you are one of us...I see you! Don't hide your awesome! EVER!
And don't you dare...ever for one second...underestimate the Suburban housewife.
With the start of a new school year we always get the chance to make new friends. As we get to know each other we share little bits and pieces about our lives. Now I am not one to share a whole lot, especially as I get older. Not sure why that is but because I have managed to find lasting friendships with a few dynamic women who carry a special place in my life I have not gone out of my way to make new friends, as they say. That's a different discussion. Back to this one...
So as we chatted I shared a little bit about my history, which includes acting and singing...again, I don't usually talk about that stuff. Bear in mind, this was a short chat, maybe 5 minutes. This incredibly sweet girl said something to the effect of "you can do all that and you are here?" So... I have no doubt that her intention was to be wowed by my suggested talent and to suggest that I could do more than what I am doing...and that is true. I know that. But it also felt a little bit like "why in the world would you have talent and not use it?" (also a fair question)
Then a couple of days later I had the opportunity to watch my youngest daughter learn choreography for a new dance from a woman I have great respect for. A woman who has had an incredible career but now works her days from home taking care of her family in a beautiful Suburban home here in our town, which as a description far underestimates what she does every day. If you didn't know that; however, you might look at her and assume she is just another busy mom who has surrendered her life to her kids and family. You might never realize the talent that she is. And then that chat came to mind again. "You can do all that and you are here?"
As I thought about that I thought of all of the amazing women that I have the privilege of working and serving with, passing every day in the carpool lane, all of us tired and overspent and desperately underestimated. What do you assume when you pass her in the carpool line?
Here is what you should assume...
She is talented, intelligent, stunning and graceful far beyond what you see of her today. She is educated. She is a writer, a dancer, a teacher, a philosopher, an actor, a pianist, a sculptor, a vocalist, a scientist. She is many things. She will hide behind her task lists and children, her tired eyes and lonely nights waiting on everyone else to be home and in bed before she can actually rest. Some of us have jobs, maybe beneath our talents but they pay bills or provide insurance or time with cherished friends. That woman, every single one of us, is more fabulous than you can fathom. We are here because we choose to share our awesome with our families and communities and schools, which would all be far less incredible without our level of awesome.
And let's be clear, we are awesome.
I am that awesome.
So when you see one of us in the carpool lane, applause would be deserved but a smile or a wave will suffice. And if you are one of us...I see you! Don't hide your awesome! EVER!
And don't you dare...ever for one second...underestimate the Suburban housewife.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Screaming in silence
Sitting in enough water to hold your breath and scream so that no one can hear you. Or covering your face with a pillow just to get that sound out without alarming the entire household to an issue they can neither fix nor help with. And you can't really explain it anyway.
It's just a need.
I am a strong person with deep convictions and opinions, even when I am wrong. And I am often wrong. I don't take well to being told no, or being quieted in any way. It goes against everything I am...on a cellular level. Always been that way. It's not fair to others sometimes and I know that.
I try to quell my curiosities and need to explore and change. I attempt to divert my attention with activities and tasks. But when something is on my mind I find that it is simply best for everyone to allow me to voice that which will undeniably consume me if I don't. Sort of like children who just need to be heard...I contend that it simply never goes away. I stand on a stage and play a character with a voice. I sing the song of a writer who had something to say. I read a book with page after page of an author's barrage of thoughts that found their way to the binding of a book that made it to my desk. Facebook. Bloggers. Twitter and her finite characters. We all have something to say and a need to be heard in one way or another. I don't have a play to write, or a song or a book...well, maybe a book but that will come later. I am not fighting for a cause or an agenda. I am just fighting to be heard. And maybe even understood. Not by many, mind you. Or maybe I am and I just don't realize it yet.
What would you say if you had a captive audience? What is your voice trying to say? Of course we can keep our pillows on retainer...screaming when no one else is listening is often therapeutic.
Truth is...I don't know what it is that I am trying so hard to say. I don't remember. That's how long I have been fumbling to steady my voice. But I know it's there. Simmering.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Gratitude
I have simply GOT to stop and express my gratitude for a few things tonight. One is my crazy family. This past two weeks has been a whirlwind of activity and water logged kids with tan lines and wet hair. We have had more fun in two weeks than I have had in a long time. Having a large family is work, there is no doubt, but they are my favorite people who have given me even more amazing little people to love and hug and kiss and torture. Those babies are everything and restore me in ways that I can't quite explain.
And the other is for some very special friends. I cannot imagine my life without a few incredible friends who have seen me at my worst and still believe in me. Who still cheer me on no matter where they live or how much time has past. Getting older (and busier) has meant less time making those lasting friendships so I hold on to these friends for dear life.
I am also reminded of the energy and love and commitment shared on behalf of my children by selfless leaders and friends who are always aware of each of these children. I have seen some of these leaders stumble through days of rain in camping adventures, flat tires on road trips, physical and mental exhaustion, all for the love of teaching these children. I am in awe of their selflessness and seemingly unending charity and strong sense of humor!
In all of that I am reminded of the grace and beauty of having a testimony of Heavenly Father's love for me. And for my children. I have strayed from that knowledge and lost sight many times in my life but I can always look back and see a fine, distinct thread that has kept me close to the faith of my childhood. Raising a family in faith gets harder every day with distractions and guilt and expectations. It isn't "cool" to be faithful. But I know the feeling I have when I sit with my family in a room with hundreds of other families doing their best to serve the Lord and grow closer to Him no matter what else may be going on in their lives. I am grateful for those examples of men and women and children who keep trying. That's all we can do really. Keep trying.
There are so many of you I count among this insufficient list of all the people I am grateful for. Your love and kindness and example means more than I can say. Thank you for continuing to be amazing, even when you don't realize just how amazing you are.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Long time no talk...
It is interesting. It really is. I can go for months on end without feeling a need to write, to share, to remember. And then...it happens. It pops back up and begs to be said, shared, immortalized. Oh that's a big fancy word that means nothing when it comes to the musings of a tired mother of 4. Musings. Yes, that fits. I have found myself musing over things that have left me feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated and tired. Can you be all of those things at once? I submit that you can.
Too much has happened to try to go back and recount the past 8 months. School, work, family, house, puppy, weather, injured child...a lot. What I can speak to is today. Right now.
***I started that post a while back. I never went back to it. I wonder what I felt the need to muse about that day. Must have gotten lost in the shuffle. Or it has compounded.
June 16, 2015
It is summer vacation here. Kids are out of school. I am off work. Husband is not traveling. No one is quite relaxing just yet though. We have had the great pleasure of spending some amazing time with extended family this past week or so. OH...I have already forgotten! We graduated our first child from high school. That baby boy that sang "Toy Story" songs over and over has grown up. Relatively speaking. Now we move into college days and growing pains. (for us more than him, no doubt)
DISCLAIMER
I have so much to say. So much it hurts sometimes. Things that I have had in my head for some time and may not need to be heard by anyone but my own conscience so if you think you might be put off by any of that, please stop reading. Judgement is not something I take lightly, though I don't take it too seriously either. I am a scattered mess it would seem. What to do?
Therapy. Counseling. Girl time. Me time. Quiet. Prayer. Scripture study. Work out. Eat right. Read a book. Paint something. Do nothing. Write. Run away. No, not that. But it's there. Scream. Maybe just run. But I hate running.
What do you do when the thoughts crowd out reason? Where do you go? Do you acknowledge it? That would be healthy. That would be sane. I think. Do you have a corner of your mind that absorbs and allows you to carry on as if everything is ok? And the thing is...everything is ok. Or it will be. Some would argue that it's just hormonal. It's age. You are in your forty's now, changes happen. Get used to it. Do they? DO THEY? And do you get used to it? Ever?
Ok. Here is the thing. THE thing. I am stuck and it has rendered me relatively unhappy. Am I back to being depressed? I don't know. Anxiety? Age. maybe that. Midlife crisis at 41? I suppose that our life spans have changed and it could be that. A funny thing happened not too long ago and I suddenly realized that the person I have been trying to be when I grew up has already happened. I saw images of myself at 18 and I thought...I want to be her! I didn't know it then but I was amazing. Ok I remain amazing. Who am I kidding? I am; however, a more cynical, lumpier, achier (not a word but go with me) more lonely version of that girl who could have been anything. I think I want that again. The ability to be anything and do anything I want. Now, I know, of course we can always make that choice. You are never too old to start over or whatever they say. But that isn't as true as it sounds. Kids. Marriage. House. Dog. Family. Responsibilities. That has layered over the years until the notion of starting over feels more like trying to move a mountain across the continent with a wheelbarrow and a deadline.
My husband believes this is a genetic trait shared by my siblings. A need to start over. To move. To reincarnate. In any capacity. Sometimes it is as simple as rearranging a room. Or a new hair style. But I have progressed to that of a locked up junkie with no hope of scoring a painfully needed high. What can be changed when change is denied? In my world, it makes me want the change even more. I am sure that there is some kind of psycho babble that would explain that tendency in me. Sounds like therapy may be the answer.
Or maybe just some extended beach time.
And therapy.
Too much has happened to try to go back and recount the past 8 months. School, work, family, house, puppy, weather, injured child...a lot. What I can speak to is today. Right now.
***I started that post a while back. I never went back to it. I wonder what I felt the need to muse about that day. Must have gotten lost in the shuffle. Or it has compounded.
June 16, 2015
It is summer vacation here. Kids are out of school. I am off work. Husband is not traveling. No one is quite relaxing just yet though. We have had the great pleasure of spending some amazing time with extended family this past week or so. OH...I have already forgotten! We graduated our first child from high school. That baby boy that sang "Toy Story" songs over and over has grown up. Relatively speaking. Now we move into college days and growing pains. (for us more than him, no doubt)
DISCLAIMER
I have so much to say. So much it hurts sometimes. Things that I have had in my head for some time and may not need to be heard by anyone but my own conscience so if you think you might be put off by any of that, please stop reading. Judgement is not something I take lightly, though I don't take it too seriously either. I am a scattered mess it would seem. What to do?
Therapy. Counseling. Girl time. Me time. Quiet. Prayer. Scripture study. Work out. Eat right. Read a book. Paint something. Do nothing. Write. Run away. No, not that. But it's there. Scream. Maybe just run. But I hate running.
What do you do when the thoughts crowd out reason? Where do you go? Do you acknowledge it? That would be healthy. That would be sane. I think. Do you have a corner of your mind that absorbs and allows you to carry on as if everything is ok? And the thing is...everything is ok. Or it will be. Some would argue that it's just hormonal. It's age. You are in your forty's now, changes happen. Get used to it. Do they? DO THEY? And do you get used to it? Ever?
Ok. Here is the thing. THE thing. I am stuck and it has rendered me relatively unhappy. Am I back to being depressed? I don't know. Anxiety? Age. maybe that. Midlife crisis at 41? I suppose that our life spans have changed and it could be that. A funny thing happened not too long ago and I suddenly realized that the person I have been trying to be when I grew up has already happened. I saw images of myself at 18 and I thought...I want to be her! I didn't know it then but I was amazing. Ok I remain amazing. Who am I kidding? I am; however, a more cynical, lumpier, achier (not a word but go with me) more lonely version of that girl who could have been anything. I think I want that again. The ability to be anything and do anything I want. Now, I know, of course we can always make that choice. You are never too old to start over or whatever they say. But that isn't as true as it sounds. Kids. Marriage. House. Dog. Family. Responsibilities. That has layered over the years until the notion of starting over feels more like trying to move a mountain across the continent with a wheelbarrow and a deadline.
My husband believes this is a genetic trait shared by my siblings. A need to start over. To move. To reincarnate. In any capacity. Sometimes it is as simple as rearranging a room. Or a new hair style. But I have progressed to that of a locked up junkie with no hope of scoring a painfully needed high. What can be changed when change is denied? In my world, it makes me want the change even more. I am sure that there is some kind of psycho babble that would explain that tendency in me. Sounds like therapy may be the answer.
Or maybe just some extended beach time.
And therapy.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Parenting Measuring Stick
This was not a good parenting morning. At all. I got angry. I slammed a door. I reacted poorly. I had listened to all the excuses I could listen to and I got mad. Was I right to get mad? Is it acceptable to show kids just how upsetting they can be sometimes? YES! Was I right to be so upset? What was the infraction of the morning? Some of them were just too tired to get up and go to church…didn't go to sleep until 3 (playing video games) and just couldn't do it today. Whose fault is that? Is that a reason to let them skip church? Again?!? This is not the first time I have heard this.
As some of you know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With that comes quite a lot of expectation…especially of our youth. Well, of all of us really, but we do focus on the youth and for very good reasons. It's hard to grasp what they are faced with on a daily basis…I don't mean war or famine, that's different though still dealt with in some parts of the world. I am referring to the temptations that are literally everywhere. I could launch into a diatribe about that but I won't…for now. Back to the morning, being a member of this church means going to church on Sundays…every Sunday. It means that we go at an assigned time based on where we live. Our current time is 8:30am but that will change when we hit 2015 and it will be a little bit later. 8:30 isn't my favorite time but it's doable…unless you are a teenager and you stay up until 3 in the morning and then it's tragic.
As I have worked through the frustration of the day I have realized something much bigger and it's kind of hard to express but I will try. You see, in our home only one parent is actively engaged in any attempt at being part of church. The other parent chooses to abstain, for many valid and personal reasons that I have come to accept. (mostly) As in any faith, one parent involved is only half the team. We stand together in everything else. It's hard to grasp unless you have worked through something like this…and it isn't just religion that divides people. It can be anything. When you want a baby and the other one doesn't, or one wants to move for a job and you just can't even consider it…I know well that this is a universal challenge. What our particular challenge implies is a murky gray area where we are neither too religious nor too apathetic. We are in the middle. Here's where the realization came for me.
I have often felt inadequate as a member of this faith based on my willing participation in the gray zone. Much counsel has been given clarifying that there is no gray area. Only the black and white. Those are the talks that are hard for me. I have sometimes prided myself on my ability to walk this gray line and keep my family together and support my husband in his own beliefs. What I know now is that there was nothing noble about it. My immersion into the gray area is self preservation. The truth is that every time I find myself merging out of the gray, attempting to present definition for our family and raise the expectations for all of us I find myself quite sad…sometimes heartbroken. See in our faith we believe that families are forever. We believe that we have the divine responsibility and privilege of sealing our families together for time and eternity in sacred ordinances in the Temple. We want that for everyone. We know that not everyone agrees with this idea and that's ok…that whole free agency thing and all. It is; however, a fundamental tenant of our faith. Having grown up LDS I knew that my only path to real happiness was to marry a nice Mormon boy and be married in the Temple. Well…that theory has been proven and disproven many times over. It is sometimes difficult to maintain the faith when I will not be allowed to perform this sacred ordinance with my own husband and children. It also means not participating in the daily rituals that come with this faith. So, I wade in the muddy waters…I allow mediocrity because it, in some small way, diffuses that disappointment for just a little while.
I do believe in a loving Father in Heaven who knows better what to do with me than I do. I believe that families can be together forever and that sometimes those ordinances aren't done for some time….but at some point, they will be done. The problem is that while I do believe that, the moments of disappointment are still real. So today I reacted poorly. I am still reacting poorly actually. I tried communicating with all of my children a little while ago and felt quite defeated by the end, wondering why I tried at all.
So why did I say anything about a parenting measuring stick? Because in spite of this very personal frustration I have great kids. I know that. I don't measure them against anyone else or what others might expect of them. I want them to be the very best versions of themselves, no matter what that looks like. I heard a brave woman talk about her desire to impose her own maternal will on her children today in church and that she wished that she could have done so to prevent the loss of her oldest child nearly a year ago. Wouldn't that be nice? Just to tell them what to do and they do it…because we said so. That isn't the order of things though. Agency is the thing that allows us to fail and succeed and it is up to us to determine which way that falls, even if the results are devastating. The beauty of the results potentially being positive is enough to make us carry on either way…gray area, muddy waters, divorce, suicide, job loss and any other manner of tragedies and disappointments notwithstanding. We keep getting up.
In a funny way this realization makes me slightly less upset with my kids about the morning. They have no idea what it all really means to me and that's because they have only really known the gray. So I try to explain…and then the cycle starts all over again.
As some of you know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With that comes quite a lot of expectation…especially of our youth. Well, of all of us really, but we do focus on the youth and for very good reasons. It's hard to grasp what they are faced with on a daily basis…I don't mean war or famine, that's different though still dealt with in some parts of the world. I am referring to the temptations that are literally everywhere. I could launch into a diatribe about that but I won't…for now. Back to the morning, being a member of this church means going to church on Sundays…every Sunday. It means that we go at an assigned time based on where we live. Our current time is 8:30am but that will change when we hit 2015 and it will be a little bit later. 8:30 isn't my favorite time but it's doable…unless you are a teenager and you stay up until 3 in the morning and then it's tragic.
As I have worked through the frustration of the day I have realized something much bigger and it's kind of hard to express but I will try. You see, in our home only one parent is actively engaged in any attempt at being part of church. The other parent chooses to abstain, for many valid and personal reasons that I have come to accept. (mostly) As in any faith, one parent involved is only half the team. We stand together in everything else. It's hard to grasp unless you have worked through something like this…and it isn't just religion that divides people. It can be anything. When you want a baby and the other one doesn't, or one wants to move for a job and you just can't even consider it…I know well that this is a universal challenge. What our particular challenge implies is a murky gray area where we are neither too religious nor too apathetic. We are in the middle. Here's where the realization came for me.
I have often felt inadequate as a member of this faith based on my willing participation in the gray zone. Much counsel has been given clarifying that there is no gray area. Only the black and white. Those are the talks that are hard for me. I have sometimes prided myself on my ability to walk this gray line and keep my family together and support my husband in his own beliefs. What I know now is that there was nothing noble about it. My immersion into the gray area is self preservation. The truth is that every time I find myself merging out of the gray, attempting to present definition for our family and raise the expectations for all of us I find myself quite sad…sometimes heartbroken. See in our faith we believe that families are forever. We believe that we have the divine responsibility and privilege of sealing our families together for time and eternity in sacred ordinances in the Temple. We want that for everyone. We know that not everyone agrees with this idea and that's ok…that whole free agency thing and all. It is; however, a fundamental tenant of our faith. Having grown up LDS I knew that my only path to real happiness was to marry a nice Mormon boy and be married in the Temple. Well…that theory has been proven and disproven many times over. It is sometimes difficult to maintain the faith when I will not be allowed to perform this sacred ordinance with my own husband and children. It also means not participating in the daily rituals that come with this faith. So, I wade in the muddy waters…I allow mediocrity because it, in some small way, diffuses that disappointment for just a little while.
I do believe in a loving Father in Heaven who knows better what to do with me than I do. I believe that families can be together forever and that sometimes those ordinances aren't done for some time….but at some point, they will be done. The problem is that while I do believe that, the moments of disappointment are still real. So today I reacted poorly. I am still reacting poorly actually. I tried communicating with all of my children a little while ago and felt quite defeated by the end, wondering why I tried at all.
So why did I say anything about a parenting measuring stick? Because in spite of this very personal frustration I have great kids. I know that. I don't measure them against anyone else or what others might expect of them. I want them to be the very best versions of themselves, no matter what that looks like. I heard a brave woman talk about her desire to impose her own maternal will on her children today in church and that she wished that she could have done so to prevent the loss of her oldest child nearly a year ago. Wouldn't that be nice? Just to tell them what to do and they do it…because we said so. That isn't the order of things though. Agency is the thing that allows us to fail and succeed and it is up to us to determine which way that falls, even if the results are devastating. The beauty of the results potentially being positive is enough to make us carry on either way…gray area, muddy waters, divorce, suicide, job loss and any other manner of tragedies and disappointments notwithstanding. We keep getting up.
In a funny way this realization makes me slightly less upset with my kids about the morning. They have no idea what it all really means to me and that's because they have only really known the gray. So I try to explain…and then the cycle starts all over again.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Divorce sucks
No better words for that one really. Having been through divorce myself…twice, I might add…I know how ugly this divorce thing gets. I have seen friends go through it. Siblings now in the middle of it. And life on the other side of it. There's just no easy way to say this…it just sucks. It gets better. Of course it does. People always say that sort of thing when they don't know what else to say but in this case it is true. (unless, of course, you continue to make stupid decisions and then it still sucks) In the people around me I am seeing multiple varieties of divorce…there's the one you don't want but have absolutely no choice but to accept, the one that you never saw coming, the one where you probably messed up big time and now you have to live with that guilt but there was more going on in the marriage than just the Mistake, the one you really want but can't quite get your head around, and the one that was coming before you ever got married in the first place. This is, by no means, the sum total of all varieties of divorce…it's just what's in front of me at the moment. So why does it have to be so hard? I remember thinking that it would be easier to deal with a death than divorce. At least then there is some closure…some way to say goodbye. Divorce just cuts you in half with no real way to stitch yourself back up for a long time. You have to figure out who you are all over again and face that you might not like who you are at that moment. Marriage changes us, that is true. But I believe that divorce may change us even more.
Here's the kicker…I don't really believe in divorce. I know it sounds counterintuitive. (twice…) I don't believe that you should give up on the person you committed your life to. I don't believe that we are the sum total of our mistakes or accomplishments and that for better or worse has to include the worse…unless the "Worse" looks something like criminal misconduct and then it's a no brainer. I also don't do mean. Mean has no place in a family. Mean is kind of third party in a marriage and fights for attention. When Mean gets in the way…it can take over and the person who is mean can even believe that they are right to be mean. Not a concept I can wrap my mind around but I have seen it too many times to ignore it.
I believe that people are who they are and that you can't expect to change them. Change comes with age and experience. Change comes with mistakes. It comes with success. It comes with love and with hate. Change comes but not because you want it to or demand it from your significant other. In my world at the moment I see two divorces that must happen…no way around it. I see one that probably shouldn't…but no one asked my opinion on that one. I see a man that I divorced many years ago that I love more than I can possibly say. We got lucky…we paid a high price but we got lucky. We found the relationship we could have had all along. It's not perfect…let's not sugar coat it. But man oh man do I adore him.
My take away for tonight is this…while divorce does suck…I HATE THAT WORD AND I KEEP USING IT…while it does bear a strong resemblance to hell itself…not all divorce has to happen. We talk about being happy and taking care of ourselves and "falling out of love" and deserving more but the problem with all of that is that we have neglected the foundation of marriage. Fight for the one you love every single day. Fight until there's no more fight and then take a deep breath and fight again. Sometimes that choice is taken from you. Some relationships cannot be saved and we may break into a million pieces when it crumbles. Give yourself the time to get back up but for the love of all that is good in the world…GET BACK UP!
Like I said…it does get better.
Here's the kicker…I don't really believe in divorce. I know it sounds counterintuitive. (twice…) I don't believe that you should give up on the person you committed your life to. I don't believe that we are the sum total of our mistakes or accomplishments and that for better or worse has to include the worse…unless the "Worse" looks something like criminal misconduct and then it's a no brainer. I also don't do mean. Mean has no place in a family. Mean is kind of third party in a marriage and fights for attention. When Mean gets in the way…it can take over and the person who is mean can even believe that they are right to be mean. Not a concept I can wrap my mind around but I have seen it too many times to ignore it.
I believe that people are who they are and that you can't expect to change them. Change comes with age and experience. Change comes with mistakes. It comes with success. It comes with love and with hate. Change comes but not because you want it to or demand it from your significant other. In my world at the moment I see two divorces that must happen…no way around it. I see one that probably shouldn't…but no one asked my opinion on that one. I see a man that I divorced many years ago that I love more than I can possibly say. We got lucky…we paid a high price but we got lucky. We found the relationship we could have had all along. It's not perfect…let's not sugar coat it. But man oh man do I adore him.
My take away for tonight is this…while divorce does suck…I HATE THAT WORD AND I KEEP USING IT…while it does bear a strong resemblance to hell itself…not all divorce has to happen. We talk about being happy and taking care of ourselves and "falling out of love" and deserving more but the problem with all of that is that we have neglected the foundation of marriage. Fight for the one you love every single day. Fight until there's no more fight and then take a deep breath and fight again. Sometimes that choice is taken from you. Some relationships cannot be saved and we may break into a million pieces when it crumbles. Give yourself the time to get back up but for the love of all that is good in the world…GET BACK UP!
Like I said…it does get better.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Involuntary anxiety leads to this
Let's just examine this, shall we…
March 10th. Now 79 days since "the incident". House is finally coming together.
It's Spring Break. A week of sleeping in and enjoying time off.
In a quiet hotel away from the chaos of construction.
All things considered…everything is good. Productive. Moving in the right direction.
So why am I so darned irritated?!?! Saw a movie today, one I do NOT recommend, and everything about it was annoying…except for a funny Bill Clinton joke. The people who came into a nearly empty theatre and decided to sit right next to us…annoying. The kids who came in late and sat on the other side of us and talked the ENTIRE time…annoying. Listen, movie theaters are kind of sacred ground for me. You have to respect the space. Turn your phone off. Don't talk. Don't sip that drink until it's louder than the movie because it's actually empty but you keep trying anyway. Put your feet down. DON'T TALK! It was a kids movie so I expected a certain amount of noise…it happens. But talking in full voice to the person in your row but not right next to you is not acceptable behavior for anyone over the age of 2. Frankly, it makes me anxious just thinking about it again. Something might be wrong with me.
Miss Kierstin wants the Easter Bunny to know that she is ready for Easter so she has written a note and created a masterpiece of jelly bean art and expects the Easter Bunny to come to the hotel and take her cute picture and write her back. Easter isn't for another 6 weeks. Isn't it a little early for Easter Bunny magic? See what I mean? Something might be wrong with me.
Seeing pictures of friends having a good time on their break should make me smile. And they do, until they don't anymore and I find myself complaining because I am not there. Hearing of successful diets or work out routines…most of the time I am the one who will get up and jump for joy with you…today? Just irritates me. HAHAHAHA!
I know how crazy I sound right this second. Believe me, I do.
Are these things one should keep to ones self in the event that it sounds crazy or selfish or petty? Probably, but this is my little corner of the web and I am whining tonight…no…not whining…bellyaching…some would even say bitching…yep, that's the one.
March 10th. Now 79 days since "the incident". House is finally coming together.
It's Spring Break. A week of sleeping in and enjoying time off.
In a quiet hotel away from the chaos of construction.
All things considered…everything is good. Productive. Moving in the right direction.
So why am I so darned irritated?!?! Saw a movie today, one I do NOT recommend, and everything about it was annoying…except for a funny Bill Clinton joke. The people who came into a nearly empty theatre and decided to sit right next to us…annoying. The kids who came in late and sat on the other side of us and talked the ENTIRE time…annoying. Listen, movie theaters are kind of sacred ground for me. You have to respect the space. Turn your phone off. Don't talk. Don't sip that drink until it's louder than the movie because it's actually empty but you keep trying anyway. Put your feet down. DON'T TALK! It was a kids movie so I expected a certain amount of noise…it happens. But talking in full voice to the person in your row but not right next to you is not acceptable behavior for anyone over the age of 2. Frankly, it makes me anxious just thinking about it again. Something might be wrong with me.
Miss Kierstin wants the Easter Bunny to know that she is ready for Easter so she has written a note and created a masterpiece of jelly bean art and expects the Easter Bunny to come to the hotel and take her cute picture and write her back. Easter isn't for another 6 weeks. Isn't it a little early for Easter Bunny magic? See what I mean? Something might be wrong with me.
Seeing pictures of friends having a good time on their break should make me smile. And they do, until they don't anymore and I find myself complaining because I am not there. Hearing of successful diets or work out routines…most of the time I am the one who will get up and jump for joy with you…today? Just irritates me. HAHAHAHA!
I know how crazy I sound right this second. Believe me, I do.
Are these things one should keep to ones self in the event that it sounds crazy or selfish or petty? Probably, but this is my little corner of the web and I am whining tonight…no…not whining…bellyaching…some would even say bitching…yep, that's the one.
Friday, December 27, 2013
S@#T HAPPENS!
I wasn't feeling it this year. The warm, yummy feeling that generally accompanies the Season simply never truly settled in for me. Don't get me wrong, there were sweet moments and I enjoyed Christmas, but there were many times that I found myself looking forward to December 26th. I tried to figure out why this year was different for me. Why was I so out of it? I didn't do cards. I didn't bake. I didn't do gifts for friends or neighbors or most of the wonderful staff that teach my children. I didn't even make it to church last Sunday for the traditional Christmas service. (that was way beyond my control though...more later) I did my Christmas shopping in the span of about 3 days just before Christmas...some even happened ON Christmas Eve itself. I am not an organized person but this is a time of year that I can generally be found with lists and schedules and excited plans for savoring the Season. My favorite moments of this years Holiday festivities were far more simple...could have missed them if I had been worried about the bigger things I did not accomplish.
Finding balance got slightly more difficult this year as I am now working a full time job, which I love. (which is a good thing because the pay is not great) What I get in lieu of a great paycheck; however, is beyond price. The unconditional love from these incredible spirits is priceless. The best hugs ever are given in that special needs classroom. The smiles of recognition from a boy who is stuck inside his own little head are immeasurable. Those kids have humbled me in many ways. The teachers that I work with, in and out of this class, have shown me what it means to love and sacrifice for other people's children, whether the parents realize the sacrifice or not. I have always believed that we each have certain callings in our lives but it never occurred to me that we might have more than one at different times in our lifetimes. I have found a new part of myself in this particular calling/ job. Remembering what it means to love unconditionally is their gift to me.
Holidays rarely happen without a solid dose of drama. The drama for us came on a Sunday morning when the s@#t quite literally hit the fan...well, it hit more than fans over here. It started pouring in around 8:30 that morning and gave us quite the holiday magic for nearly six hours. Needless to say...it was an adventure. We now have repairs and clean-up to do that we were not planning on. We are living for the silver lining though...new floors, new paint, new cabinets, new hall bathroom. I am sure that there are other new things that we have not yet realized are coming given the extent of the damage. I got to see a side of my boys that I had not seen before. They got in that mess and worked tirelessly beside their father for hours and hours without complaint. They were awesome. I am grateful for their ability to work hard. When the "dust" had settled and we looked around at the mess all Larry and I could do was hug each other and see that it could have been worse. We now just laugh about it...most of the time. There are moments that I find myself getting kind of grumpy about it...several moments actually. (2 days before Christmas? REALLY?) And then we just move on. I am sure that I will get grumpy several more times before it's over with but for now I will spend more time on houzz.com searching for floor and paint ideas.
So it's nearly 2014. Oh I can't even get there yet. I will just remain in my slightly delirious state for the moment. You just never know what might come up next in our house...but hey, as the saying goes...shit happens. (it really, really does.)
Finding balance got slightly more difficult this year as I am now working a full time job, which I love. (which is a good thing because the pay is not great) What I get in lieu of a great paycheck; however, is beyond price. The unconditional love from these incredible spirits is priceless. The best hugs ever are given in that special needs classroom. The smiles of recognition from a boy who is stuck inside his own little head are immeasurable. Those kids have humbled me in many ways. The teachers that I work with, in and out of this class, have shown me what it means to love and sacrifice for other people's children, whether the parents realize the sacrifice or not. I have always believed that we each have certain callings in our lives but it never occurred to me that we might have more than one at different times in our lifetimes. I have found a new part of myself in this particular calling/ job. Remembering what it means to love unconditionally is their gift to me.
Holidays rarely happen without a solid dose of drama. The drama for us came on a Sunday morning when the s@#t quite literally hit the fan...well, it hit more than fans over here. It started pouring in around 8:30 that morning and gave us quite the holiday magic for nearly six hours. Needless to say...it was an adventure. We now have repairs and clean-up to do that we were not planning on. We are living for the silver lining though...new floors, new paint, new cabinets, new hall bathroom. I am sure that there are other new things that we have not yet realized are coming given the extent of the damage. I got to see a side of my boys that I had not seen before. They got in that mess and worked tirelessly beside their father for hours and hours without complaint. They were awesome. I am grateful for their ability to work hard. When the "dust" had settled and we looked around at the mess all Larry and I could do was hug each other and see that it could have been worse. We now just laugh about it...most of the time. There are moments that I find myself getting kind of grumpy about it...several moments actually. (2 days before Christmas? REALLY?) And then we just move on. I am sure that I will get grumpy several more times before it's over with but for now I will spend more time on houzz.com searching for floor and paint ideas.
So it's nearly 2014. Oh I can't even get there yet. I will just remain in my slightly delirious state for the moment. You just never know what might come up next in our house...but hey, as the saying goes...shit happens. (it really, really does.)
Monday, November 4, 2013
Parenting and Social Media and my big mouth
There is a sound my dad makes that is loaded with all sorts of meaning...the power of which is that there is no real way of knowing quite what it means. It is a sound he has made as long as I remember. It's hilarious to me that we all know the sound and now I use it with my kids too. It's a "hmm mph" sort of sound. If he says it with raised eyebrows it generally means he thinks you might be a little crazy. If he says it and doesn't look at you...odds are you better apologize pretty quick. Most of the time it's said with a little chuckle and we all laugh. I got that sound last night after seeing my oldest son's car. And, for the record, it was deserved. I had made it crystal clear that we would not buy him a car...no way, no how. Then I went even farther and said we would absolutely not buy him a used bmw. Even worse than that? I posted it to Facebook. Decision making is hard sometimes but it is self-inflicted silliness when one posts parenting/ religious/ marriage/ money advice to any form of social media and then said person does exactly what she said she would never do. Here's the kicker...I was wrong.
I said it.
I was wrong about the car. I do think that accountability must be maintained. I do think that they have to work for what they have...generally speaking. I also think that within a short period of time these young people will be adults navigating life decisions that will sometimes be devastating...and right now, right this second in their lives...they are home and protected. Don't get me wrong. That protection does not always come in the form of a car for your 17th birthday. It comes in much smaller ways for me. Waking them up in the morning. Making them breakfast. Sending them off to school with a lunch in hand and making sure they have everything they need. Some call that coddling. Hand holding. And maybe it is. Guess what...I love every second of it. The day will soon come that that waking them up for school will be a distant memory and I will miss it.
So, how did this car come to be a fixture on our driveway? We gave him money for his birthday. We told him he could use it for a car, if that's what he wanted to do. We didn't give him enough money to buy a car with less than 100,000 miles on it, no matter what the brand. It was just enough to allow him to look for a car knowing that if he found the right deal he would have the cash to jump on it. How was I to know that that deal would show up within 24 hours of giving him the money? He found it. A BMW, no less. It's cute. It's fun to drive. I hate admitting this but I actually like the car. I like the car for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which because of the lesson it is teaching me.
We are seeing a side of him that we have not seen in a while. He is taking care of it. He is researching how to keep this car in shape. He is getting a job. Today, actually. He is beaming about this car. It is something that means a lot to him. More than we thought. I was wrong to think that my moral high ground was sufficient enough to teach him responsibility. While that ground is often all I need in parenting, it can be limiting too. I am not suggesting that every child would benefit from being given a car. I am sure they think they would. I have other children who won't be nearly as invested or interested in any kind of car. Their interests and commitments are elsewhere. As I thought about all of the reasons not to get him a car and the reasons we wanted to get him a car...well, frankly, I realized that the pros outweighed the cons. And the truth is...
I wish that we had done it sooner.
So, to all who read my longwinded Facebook posts about the importance of teaching your kids responsibility and asking why in the world so many of our parents in this area are buying their kids cars...I stand on that...in concept. I have learned; however, that I am not parenting anyone else's kids. I stand on teaching responsibility. I stand on the fact that some of these kids should absolutely not have cars given to them, or phones or computers or expensive clothes. Truth is...it's none of my business. Shame on me for having any kind of judgement about how others choose to parent.
So there it is...biggest lesson...don't let your big mouth get away from you on social media. Otherwise you might be spending some time getting that egg off your face.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
A love letter
To my home...
Ten years agomy our world changed. My fractured little family ceased to exist as I knew it. Divorce is a wound that you think will eventually heal but, like most scars, you can still feel the echo of the pain many years later. As divorces go, ours was amicable. We supported each other, to the best of our abilities, and vowed to remain friends. Many things would test that friendship. Many. The months that followed are something of a blur for me now but there was a great deal of rebuilding to be done. I had allowed myself to get so lost that I didn't know where to start. More loss would eventually bring us home, to Texas, to live with my parents. After eleven years of living away from my family, coming home was as close to a sanctuary as anything could be. My children remember those early days well. It was exciting. Trial and error being what it is, more tests would come. College (again). Another marriage. A pregnancy. Another divorce while just six weeks pregnant. New heartache. New life. New love. A renewed love. And a house. This house. Larry and I remarried here in the family room of this house that we live in now, that we are about to say good-bye to. In the time that we have been here we have built a life together that we never knew we could have before. That friendship that had been so tested grew into a great, great love. These walls have comforted and amused and protected and sanctified our family in ways that we may not yet realize.
As I walk through each room I see so many moments. Overflowing with memories and laughter. Kids everywhere. Family dinners. Christmas. Thanksgiving with my entire family spread across the kitchen, dining area and family room. Birthday parties with magicians and princesses. Sick children cuddled up in our room. Lots of firsts...bicycles, baseball, lost teeth, wins and losses, birthdays, holidays, and so many nothing days that meant more than all of the holidays combined. It was in those nothing days that our family thrived.
There were trying times as well, of course, but being home always made those times better. We are taught a lot about making our homes sanctuaries...protection from outside influence...the place you want to be. Without any real thought this house has become that. Our children want to be here. Their friends want to be here. Family members want to be here. It is a home that, in my opinion, is so filled with love that you can feel it when you are here. I know it's not the walls or the roof or the structure that have created that. It's the people that have filled this home with memories. I also know that it is a feeling that will come in our new home. But for this moment, as we pack up boxes and take down pictures and host one last holiday, I want to say thank you. Thank you to a home that has provided love and stability. I will forever be grateful for all the life that has been lived here and for the family that we are because of it.
A new young family will move in here and will, I hope, find the same love that we have. I see their children playing and laughing, new memories, holidays and their own family gatherings. May this home be for you what it has been for us.
Ten years ago
As I walk through each room I see so many moments. Overflowing with memories and laughter. Kids everywhere. Family dinners. Christmas. Thanksgiving with my entire family spread across the kitchen, dining area and family room. Birthday parties with magicians and princesses. Sick children cuddled up in our room. Lots of firsts...bicycles, baseball, lost teeth, wins and losses, birthdays, holidays, and so many nothing days that meant more than all of the holidays combined. It was in those nothing days that our family thrived.
There were trying times as well, of course, but being home always made those times better. We are taught a lot about making our homes sanctuaries...protection from outside influence...the place you want to be. Without any real thought this house has become that. Our children want to be here. Their friends want to be here. Family members want to be here. It is a home that, in my opinion, is so filled with love that you can feel it when you are here. I know it's not the walls or the roof or the structure that have created that. It's the people that have filled this home with memories. I also know that it is a feeling that will come in our new home. But for this moment, as we pack up boxes and take down pictures and host one last holiday, I want to say thank you. Thank you to a home that has provided love and stability. I will forever be grateful for all the life that has been lived here and for the family that we are because of it.
A new young family will move in here and will, I hope, find the same love that we have. I see their children playing and laughing, new memories, holidays and their own family gatherings. May this home be for you what it has been for us.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Paula Deen and Russian law
I grew up in the deep South. (generally speaking...we moved a lot) I am not ignorant to the racism that existed when I was a child and the racism that exists to this day. I am sure that there is a whole lot more to this story than we are getting but all I can say is "Honey HUSH!" What in the world could she have said that would warrant all of this? Even the publisher? You'd think she fried small children or something. Racism is and has always been a plague of ignorance. We do what we know and was done before us. I never considered myself a racist but I do remember a rather embarrassing moment at a dance a hundred years ago when a wonderful young black man asked me to dance. I said yes...and then I didn't know what to do with myself. I was nervous. I ashamed to admit that but I was. It was something I knew nothing about. Racism in the deep South is categorically different than anywhere else in the country. Family feuds and ancestral agendas have fueled ongoing racism and will likely never end. Unless we can change the dialogue. I don't know how nor do I pretend to but why are we skewering Paula Deen?
Meanwhile in another part of the world, leaders have decided to make being gay illegal.
Russia passes anti gay legislation
I know that I have had a lot to say on this subject as of late and all I can say is that it has really struck an emotional chord with me. Like I said...I have no idea whatsoever what determines a person's sexual preference. I can't begin to debate the science or the religion of it. I can read things like THIS
and understand that mother's perspective. I even understand how she got to the place she was in, believing that she was doing what God would want her to do. I recently watched a documentary about Chely Wright that had an impact on me. This girl knew who she was. She kept it hidden and the thing she said that got me was that she hadn't come out for herself...she came out "for the 14 year old boy sitting on the edge of his bed with a pistol in his mouth". Then I had to decide how I would feel if homosexuality might be addressed at school in a way that allowed kids to feel the freedom to be themselves and not hide. Would I want my kids taught that it is totally normal to have feelings for people of the same sex? My instinct is to say that I would not, that I would fear for the life that child would be signing himself up for. I would be afraid of what others would do to him or her that would tear them down. We are still killing each other over this same debate in 2013 with hate crimes still rampant. Hate. What is the opposite of hate? Well, clearly it's love and if we walk the religious path then we can say that God is love too which can only mean that God loves us no matter what...and expects us to do the same. Like the deal with Ms Paula Deen, I am confident that there is more to the story than I will ever know. I hope that I can look at each of my children, and farther than that to their friends...and know that I would not flinch. I don't need to understand all to get that my job is simply to love...unconditionally and without fear. There was a time when I was too afraid of what people thought to allow myself that luxury. In a time when we have children without families, families without homes, bellies without food, countries without freedom, I cannot understand why we still want to promote and sanctify hate. If you don't want to understand, ok...but admit that you don't and move on. If you think that your family will never be touched by the epidemic of hate that goes along with homosexuality then you are incredibly naive. I know what I believe God says about families and about being gay but if you look to your scriptures you will find a whole lot more written about love than any other subject. Why am I so tuned in to this discussion lately you wonder...I am not sure. I will let you know when I do. What I can tell you is that every single person on the planet today, yesterday and tomorrow is endowed with the divine right to be loved. Who are we to deny that?
In less important news...I am turning 40. "When?"..."Someday". (name that movie)
Meanwhile in another part of the world, leaders have decided to make being gay illegal.
Russia passes anti gay legislation
I know that I have had a lot to say on this subject as of late and all I can say is that it has really struck an emotional chord with me. Like I said...I have no idea whatsoever what determines a person's sexual preference. I can't begin to debate the science or the religion of it. I can read things like THIS
and understand that mother's perspective. I even understand how she got to the place she was in, believing that she was doing what God would want her to do. I recently watched a documentary about Chely Wright that had an impact on me. This girl knew who she was. She kept it hidden and the thing she said that got me was that she hadn't come out for herself...she came out "for the 14 year old boy sitting on the edge of his bed with a pistol in his mouth". Then I had to decide how I would feel if homosexuality might be addressed at school in a way that allowed kids to feel the freedom to be themselves and not hide. Would I want my kids taught that it is totally normal to have feelings for people of the same sex? My instinct is to say that I would not, that I would fear for the life that child would be signing himself up for. I would be afraid of what others would do to him or her that would tear them down. We are still killing each other over this same debate in 2013 with hate crimes still rampant. Hate. What is the opposite of hate? Well, clearly it's love and if we walk the religious path then we can say that God is love too which can only mean that God loves us no matter what...and expects us to do the same. Like the deal with Ms Paula Deen, I am confident that there is more to the story than I will ever know. I hope that I can look at each of my children, and farther than that to their friends...and know that I would not flinch. I don't need to understand all to get that my job is simply to love...unconditionally and without fear. There was a time when I was too afraid of what people thought to allow myself that luxury. In a time when we have children without families, families without homes, bellies without food, countries without freedom, I cannot understand why we still want to promote and sanctify hate. If you don't want to understand, ok...but admit that you don't and move on. If you think that your family will never be touched by the epidemic of hate that goes along with homosexuality then you are incredibly naive. I know what I believe God says about families and about being gay but if you look to your scriptures you will find a whole lot more written about love than any other subject. Why am I so tuned in to this discussion lately you wonder...I am not sure. I will let you know when I do. What I can tell you is that every single person on the planet today, yesterday and tomorrow is endowed with the divine right to be loved. Who are we to deny that?
In less important news...I am turning 40. "When?"..."Someday". (name that movie)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Arms crossed
Spent the day at Great Wolf Lodge with 8 girls to celebrate Kyra's birthday. I learned A LOT. First, it was reiterated to me that I know nothing...really. Teen girls are...
Yeah.
I was struck by something. As we walked into the water park area...well, let me set the scene for you first. It's 102 outside and kids are everywhere. The indoor water park seems the ideal place to go and cool off and have fun. It was also a destination for some kind of cheerleading convention. That added to the curiosity. People watching takes on a new dimension when you watch adults watching teenage girls walk in. It's disgusting. These little girls do not look like little girls though. Perfectly tanned, tiny bikinis, physically fit girls everywhere. They certainly don't look old enough for these men to be ogling but they don't look as young as they actually are. They are trying so hard to grow up. It's painful to watch. Something about them caught my eye at one point. Many of them were walking around with their arms folded. That would not ordinarily seem odd but to see a row of young people walking around on a warm day in a place where they should be able to just relax and have fun was strange. I was busy chasing down my own crew so I quickly let the thought go. When I found a spot to set up and keep an eye on my crew I could then enjoy true people watching again. There it was. Arms crossed over tanned tummies. Everywhere. It was most definitely not cold in there. And then I saw an older woman walking across the pool doing the same thing. She was no longer young or tanned or fit and she walked in such a way as to beg to not be noticed. She had her arms crossed too. As I looked back to these groups of young people it occurred to me that they, too, were trying to hide themselves. Hide their bodies. These beautiful, healthy young women felt inadequate. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to tell them all how beautiful they were but we don't live in a society that takes well to strangers saying such things to our kids so I refrained. I wanted to shake them and tell them to enjoy themselves. Not to worry. They have, for all intents and purposes, long full lives ahead of them with all manner of insecurities sure to come. About this point I was walking over to find my youngest daughter and I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. Crap! I was hiding. I was embarrassed. I was insecure. Now, in fairness, I need to take much better care of myself BUT I also need to be kinder to myself. As I settled back into people watching I decided to look for those who walked proudly, without hesitation. What was it about them that made them different? Perfect bodies? No. Many were far from perfect but they looked amazing. All sizes and shapes and ages. Then I decided to get over myself a little and practice being THAT girl for a minute. And guess what??? No one noticed me more or less than they had with my arms folded. Know why? Because no one cares! We were all there to have fun and make memories with our loved ones and some of us were letting our own insecurities hinder that.
Now these would-be women in the bodies of little girls were interesting. Why do they want to grow up so fast? Why are they in such a hurry and why do we promote it? One day you will look at them and see that the little girl is gone. It will be many years before she realizes that she would give anything to be that young again, to slow down and enjoy those years. Insecurity is a brutal and sneaky weapon. It tears at each of us individually on THE level that will get to us the fastest. We try so hard to fit in that we forget ourselves. It is the very best parts of us that we stifle in order to feel acceptance. While it's slightly different as adults, it's just a shadow of what we endured in school and swore we would never participate in again. Fitting in is so unbearably overrated!
Yeah.
I was struck by something. As we walked into the water park area...well, let me set the scene for you first. It's 102 outside and kids are everywhere. The indoor water park seems the ideal place to go and cool off and have fun. It was also a destination for some kind of cheerleading convention. That added to the curiosity. People watching takes on a new dimension when you watch adults watching teenage girls walk in. It's disgusting. These little girls do not look like little girls though. Perfectly tanned, tiny bikinis, physically fit girls everywhere. They certainly don't look old enough for these men to be ogling but they don't look as young as they actually are. They are trying so hard to grow up. It's painful to watch. Something about them caught my eye at one point. Many of them were walking around with their arms folded. That would not ordinarily seem odd but to see a row of young people walking around on a warm day in a place where they should be able to just relax and have fun was strange. I was busy chasing down my own crew so I quickly let the thought go. When I found a spot to set up and keep an eye on my crew I could then enjoy true people watching again. There it was. Arms crossed over tanned tummies. Everywhere. It was most definitely not cold in there. And then I saw an older woman walking across the pool doing the same thing. She was no longer young or tanned or fit and she walked in such a way as to beg to not be noticed. She had her arms crossed too. As I looked back to these groups of young people it occurred to me that they, too, were trying to hide themselves. Hide their bodies. These beautiful, healthy young women felt inadequate. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to tell them all how beautiful they were but we don't live in a society that takes well to strangers saying such things to our kids so I refrained. I wanted to shake them and tell them to enjoy themselves. Not to worry. They have, for all intents and purposes, long full lives ahead of them with all manner of insecurities sure to come. About this point I was walking over to find my youngest daughter and I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. Crap! I was hiding. I was embarrassed. I was insecure. Now, in fairness, I need to take much better care of myself BUT I also need to be kinder to myself. As I settled back into people watching I decided to look for those who walked proudly, without hesitation. What was it about them that made them different? Perfect bodies? No. Many were far from perfect but they looked amazing. All sizes and shapes and ages. Then I decided to get over myself a little and practice being THAT girl for a minute. And guess what??? No one noticed me more or less than they had with my arms folded. Know why? Because no one cares! We were all there to have fun and make memories with our loved ones and some of us were letting our own insecurities hinder that.
Now these would-be women in the bodies of little girls were interesting. Why do they want to grow up so fast? Why are they in such a hurry and why do we promote it? One day you will look at them and see that the little girl is gone. It will be many years before she realizes that she would give anything to be that young again, to slow down and enjoy those years. Insecurity is a brutal and sneaky weapon. It tears at each of us individually on THE level that will get to us the fastest. We try so hard to fit in that we forget ourselves. It is the very best parts of us that we stifle in order to feel acceptance. While it's slightly different as adults, it's just a shadow of what we endured in school and swore we would never participate in again. Fitting in is so unbearably overrated!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Acceptance
As I expected, response to yesterday's events has been mixed. Interestingly though, it has also proven a tiny bit divisive as well. I can only speak from what I know, from my own experience, so it needs to be understood that I do not speak for anyone but myself. Facebook is a funny thing in times like these. Some make quiet comments, some make sweeping judgements. There is, in my perspective, a sense that if you say anything that might smell like controversy then you must not have enough faith. You must not be strong enough to withstand the "tempters snare". In our faith we honor something called "The Family Proclamation". You can find it here:
Family proclamation
It is where we, in our faith, stand about the nature of families. I believe every word of it. I do. I also believe that the world does not believe that they have to think as we do on just about anything, let alone marriage. I believe that the only way to promote acceptance is to accept that not everyone believes the way you do, moreover, the way that you think they should. Now before this turns into something bigger than intended, it should be understood that I have accepted that I am on the more liberal, a word I despise, side of Mormonism. I absolutely love being a member of this church and being counted, even in the smallest of ways, among these good people. Sadly, some of those good people aren't as good as we think they are but that is true of any and every population and culture. Being in a family with one parent actively pursuing this faith and one that isn't has many challenges and it forces you to really decide what you believe. We are part of an entertainment family as well so living on the line between the two worlds has been challenging at times. Well, it used to be. I no longer fear what others might think of my faith. Conversely, I no longer fear the differences. No matter what faith or philosophy you prescribe to it is important, in the world according to Heather, to remember that we all got here the same way and we all leave the same way. In my faith we are all children of God, loved individually and wholly by a loving Father in Heaven. I believe that same God loves each and every one of us no matter who we are. With that knowledge I can know and celebrate that I do not get to or need to pass judgement on anyone. Ever. I don't want to be judged or liked or disliked based on my actions or beliefs any more than the next guy does. Debates over right and wrong will never cease. The good news is that there will always be someone else to rage those battles with great zeal and fervor. I have to teach my children to love all, to be compassionate, to serve and to honor their lives in a way that would be pleasing to our Heavenly Father. I believe that to be the challenge of a lifetime. How do you teach love and acceptance in a time when we want so much to label and condemn? There is so much more to this debate and the historical implications than I know. I get that. That is the beauty of knowing that you don't know as much as you think you do. That is the genius of life. There is always something to be learned.
Family proclamation
It is where we, in our faith, stand about the nature of families. I believe every word of it. I do. I also believe that the world does not believe that they have to think as we do on just about anything, let alone marriage. I believe that the only way to promote acceptance is to accept that not everyone believes the way you do, moreover, the way that you think they should. Now before this turns into something bigger than intended, it should be understood that I have accepted that I am on the more liberal, a word I despise, side of Mormonism. I absolutely love being a member of this church and being counted, even in the smallest of ways, among these good people. Sadly, some of those good people aren't as good as we think they are but that is true of any and every population and culture. Being in a family with one parent actively pursuing this faith and one that isn't has many challenges and it forces you to really decide what you believe. We are part of an entertainment family as well so living on the line between the two worlds has been challenging at times. Well, it used to be. I no longer fear what others might think of my faith. Conversely, I no longer fear the differences. No matter what faith or philosophy you prescribe to it is important, in the world according to Heather, to remember that we all got here the same way and we all leave the same way. In my faith we are all children of God, loved individually and wholly by a loving Father in Heaven. I believe that same God loves each and every one of us no matter who we are. With that knowledge I can know and celebrate that I do not get to or need to pass judgement on anyone. Ever. I don't want to be judged or liked or disliked based on my actions or beliefs any more than the next guy does. Debates over right and wrong will never cease. The good news is that there will always be someone else to rage those battles with great zeal and fervor. I have to teach my children to love all, to be compassionate, to serve and to honor their lives in a way that would be pleasing to our Heavenly Father. I believe that to be the challenge of a lifetime. How do you teach love and acceptance in a time when we want so much to label and condemn? There is so much more to this debate and the historical implications than I know. I get that. That is the beauty of knowing that you don't know as much as you think you do. That is the genius of life. There is always something to be learned.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Big day
Needless to say today has been newsworthy. Well, maybe it should be said. DOMA and Prop 8 were killed. I am in the small percentage of my faith that did not agree with any of that initiative. I understand what it was about and what we thought we were doing. I think a lot of people believed with all of their hearts that they were doing the "right thing". I've struggled with the treatment of homosexuality in general, much less when it is veiled with Faith as an excuse. Now before you start spewing your shock at me...let me clarify. We, as a nation, have not protected the "sanctity" of marriage for a very long time. Anyone can get married. You can hate each other and get married. You can get married for money or power. You can marry and divorce at will...well, most of us could. Marriage, as defined and protected by government is more like a business transaction, so to speak. The sanctity comes from those who say "I do". I don't pretend to understand anything about what drives a person's sexual preference. Not. A. Clue. I do know what love is though and if you can have that in this life and it brings you joy then be happy! Celebrate that for each other. Promote that joy. I know that it can be hard to embrace something that you don't understand. Historically we have tried to control that with legislation and then stood behind the flag to justify our own ignorance. Life is too hard to have to defend yourself from your own neighbors and family. People are awesome! Those people you shy away from because you don't understand them??? Sometimes, the ones you shy away from are the most interesting, loving, committed, loyal people you will know and that involves the shy, the nerdy, the artistic, the outrageous and anyone who lives a life that might not measure up to what you think it should be. For me it's not about who you love...it's about how well you love. I am sure that there will be all sorts of response on both sides of this and that is great! Choose your happiness and let's get on with letting others do the same.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Insane in the membrane...
Driving Larry to the airport this morning, way too early for this girl, we are listening to the radio...he has a love for Howard Stern that I have never understood...and Howard starts talking about that song. "Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain" It is 20 years old. 20! Larry asks me where I was in 1993 and I reminded him that I had just started talking to him. I was at BYU, in such a hurry to get my life started that I failed to see that I was already living it. I turn 40 in August which means, mathematicians, that I have now been exposed to Mr. Ganson for half of my life. Of course we could probably play that game with any number of songs and bring back memories of things good and bad. Memory lane is fickle though. I remember and forget on a cyclical basis. Often, I remember the things I wish I could forget and ache to remember the things that have faded with time. Then I think about those who have lived into their 90's or even over 100 and I am amazed at how much life they have lived and wonder how much of it they would do over, or repeat, or skip altogether. In this 20 years since that awful song came out I have had quite a ride. 4 babies. 2 marriages...ok, 3 but that third one was to the first one. (good story if you haven't already heard it.) Lived in 5 states. Changed roughly 1600 diapers (of my own children), an average of 15 ER or Urgent Care visits, countless temper tantrums, scraped knees, wounded egos and hurt feelings. I've been thin and heavy, healthy and sick, tired...oh wait, I am always tired. Kierstin pointed that out yesterday. Laughter and tears, arguments and absolute joy. We are in a funny stage in our lives right now. Watching little ones become adults and imagining what the next 20 years will look like. It's a little like seeing the moon and the sun at the same time this morning, both hanging proudly though one is surely on its way out.
Just came across this little gem:
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Just came across this little gem:
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
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