January has come and gone...

...and I don't know that I feel as if we are moving in the direction I craved at the beginning of this month.  I don't know if I can honestly say that I actually remember what the goals, or resolutions, were.  I do know that I was craving creativity and balance, momentum and grace.  When the year began I thought of menus and planning as well as ways of improving myself and those around me.  I wanted to project a new focus into the lives of my children.  I know that it starts with me and in the first week I saw that.  I felt in relative control, so to speak.  Somewhere in the middle I got tired, or busy, or both and just settled comfortably back into the warmth of routine.  Habit.  The things we do without even thinking about.  Not bad, really, just not producing the ideas and hopes and movement that I would like.  

I have spoken recently of auditioning for this play.  I have even set the appointment.  I went to the theater and marveled at their talent and a life well loved and left a few years ago.  It is a part of me, it is in me and I doubt that will ever change.  But can you go back?  Can you compete with actors who crave it still, daily and train and work and eat and sleep this craft?  Maybe.  Maybe it is not my turn to audition yet, but to pick up where I left off and study again.  Practice again.  Many years ago I worked on a play that I was not equipped for, a role that I had no way of living up to.  I had not lived enough to do it justice.  I have lived a lot more life and could now give honesty to portrayals such as that one.  That I can say I know for sure.  This is me thinking out "loud" and working through this question again.  I have felt this tug many times.  I watched the SAG awards recently and felt that pull as I listened to so many actors proclaim their pride and being called an actor.  I don't want to be an actor for any reason other than that I love it and it sort of chose me.  I think I might have continued singing more if it weren't for a couple of well placed shows in my high school days.  Reconnecting with some of those old friends has rekindled and reminded me of some wonderful times.  What does all of this mean?  Well, one, that I am considering holding off on the audition but signing up for one of the acting classes they teach at that theater and two, that I want to go back to simple, once again.  Maybe resolutions should be set and re-set every 30 days, keep ourselves connected to what we want for ourselves while dulling the sound of habit that keeps us from doing more.  Being more.

If you have read this far, you must either be very bored or a very good friend.